"I was just unkind to someone in Akron, Ohio on the internet. I'm going to send you a strongly worded email and drag you back to my cave!"

In the news today: President George W. Bush said today that the war in Iraq was worth the sacrifice. We contend he prove it by sending Jenna. Tom Cruise announced that we are not alone, apparently there are poor people on Earth as well as half baked celebrities. He reasserted his dislike of psychiatrists while we contend he is in dire need of their services. Cults are sad, especially when they do not end in Kool Aid. William Rehnquist still has not died due to Alex Vance’s absence from the Supreme Court. Vice-President Kipp dispatched Mr. Vance to the Federal Capital to photograph the Chief Justice during this process as well as the Senate’s eventual circus of a nomination process. When asked why she did not do it herself the Vice-President shouted, “BORING! WEAK!” at every mention of the Supreme Court. That is the news in brief.

I told someone today that she needed to think before she spoke. I should get to wear a big, scarlet “H” on my shirt all day for “hypocrite.” I have one thing in life that they can never take away from me, it is not my dignity – I have none, it is my chutzpah. If I have one thing, I have chutzpah.

I figured out why people in Kentucky are so stupid. We do all our best thinking in the bathroom – primarily on the toilet or in the shower. How can a state so devoid of indoor plumbing be expected to produce an Einstein? I contend that it cannot.

In other news, this section of graduate school is quickly ending. We are buried in a blizzard of papers, homework, and generalized things to do. I still have not finished my memoir piece and my literary agent refuses to read it.

Yesterday while I was out walking on the Plum Creek Trail I noticed that there was an animal on the trail. I first took it to be a bear because Meredith Elaine encountered a bear while she was jogging. Although this bear did not eat her, I am pretty sure a bear would eat me. Meredith Elaine has three things going for her that I do not: she is cute, she is useful, and people would miss Meredith Elaine if she disappeared. Sure, people would notice me missing but I no one would be devastated.

A case in point is this: the people I work with at my part-time job has expressed to be that they miss me and cannot wait for me to come home while the people I teach with hope I am eaten by a large animal while I am out west. I think that those blood-thirsty rabbits may make their wishes come true.

This animal, however, was not a bear. It was a cow. I had no idea what to do but I was told today that I should have called the Sheriff and they would have come and taken care of the cow. I have seen how cows are “taken care of.” I rented Napoleon Dynamite. That is just sick.

I decided to try to communicate with the cow but it did not want to talk to me at first. I mooed and mooed but it did not want to talk but eventually it did saw moo back to me. I was pleased. I did not take her picture because it was too dark. I did not touch her udders because it was our first date and I am a gentleman and a scholar. Sarah called me a liar, but under close scrutiny, my story holds up. The weird stuff only happens when I cannot take a picture. I was going to ride it back into town but then I realized that I would have to touch the cow to ride it

Comments

[Sommer]

Was it worth the sacrifice to you?

[Christopher]

There are many good things that can come out of the situation in Iraq, but all of those things are long term and abstract at this point in history. Ask me again in ten and twenty years.

[CGG]

Here, Here for drafting Jenna.

[meredith elaine]

first of all, you would be VERY VERY VERY missed by yours truly if you disappeared. second, you made my day. seriously.

[Alex Vance]

Being unkind to someone in Akron, OH is like kicking a man when he's down.