Haircut Rules

Today’s summer adventure was getting my haircut. I made the assumption that the barber at Wal Mart would be inexpensive and since I never like my hair cut I may as well get a cheap hair cut. I may as well train monkeys with down syndrome to cut hair because I am sure they could do just as terrible a job for $13.95. This time, quite literally, my assumption made an ass out of me, and hopefully you, too.

Yes, I paid two dollars more to get my haircut here than I would have in Stepford. The myth of the Great American Desert (the area of the country between where the Appalachian Mountains start and the Rocky Mountains begin) is that things here cost less. Colorado is just like the rest of America, with less oxygen.

I have rules about haircuts. First, I try not to talk about them because my attorney – Alex Vance – cannot get haircuts. I hate to hurt his feelings and finding good help is near impossible. If you think that finding good help is impossible, you will never believe how hard Kipp and I had to look for this mediocre clown of a lawyer. I know that Alex got Robert Blake off but Kipp contends she did too – without a law degree even – but I think that Alex and Kipp are talking about two different things.

My second rule is that I never let someone with a terrible haircut cut my hair. That is like asking Saddam Hussein to hold on to your WMD. It just does not work out. What do you mean, “Uday doesn’t remember where he hid them?” I broke this rule today. The kid who cut my hair today owns an impressive collection of combs and brushes. Emily’s roommate has an impressive collection of Star Wars memorabilia and the parallel is this: neither of them have, or will, take their toys out of the box or use them for their intended purpose. Emily’s roommate is the best roommate Emily’s ever had – I have dated almost all of them, I get to make that assessment. Dr. J M-R, if you are reading that – I am sure I am using assessment and evaluate wrong. I know they are not interchangeable.

My third, new rule about haircuts is this: a person who does not believe in deodorants and antiperspirants also does not believe in cutting my hair. Sitting in that chair is one of the superficially hardest things I have ever done. I have lived through some pretty harrowing ordeals in my short life and I realize that this is not as hard as some of those things but this was self-inflicted, I could have gotten out of the chair. I considered it and wondered if I only let her cut half of my hair if I got a discount. I received a refund the time the woman cut off one of my sideburns and not the other.

How could someone not wear deodorant in the summer? I realize that it could have worn out but I am also pretty sure that it was never worn in the first place. She had that natural, French, smell. It was not the industrious musk of those clever Germans – but the idle and indifferent attitude towards hygiene demonstrated by the French. I spent my childhood in those two countries. They do have their own special smells and this woman did, too. I tipped, not because she deserved it, but because she needed to be let in on the secret of Secret.

If anyone has a monkey with downs syndrome, let me know. I want to train it. My mother, honestly, lets her friend’s retarded daughter cut her hair because it is a boost to the girl’s self esteem. Luckily, my mother’s self esteem is not tied to how her hair looks and neither is mine.

This is the synopsis of the sad lives of teachers. In the summer we sleep in, until eight, eat Captain Crunch in our pajamas on the couch and plan the next school year until about noon where our families and friends assert themselves to remind us that we do indeed belong to them during our ten weeks off each year. We can widow and orphan our loved ones for the time the school possesses us but we must submit to entertaining, visiting and showing affection to the people we chose to have in our lives during the summer.

I felt like I had been drug behind a truck on a dusty Texas road for seven miles after Graduate School let out for the summer. I may have been under the care and instruction of a dream team of instructors but it was a great deal of work. The hardest button to button was the fact that the people who do not do the reading also feel it is incumbent upon them to speak up in class. That was the most tiring part of Graduate School, just as it was when I was an undergraduate, because believe you me, I kept my mouth shut if I had not doing the reading. I have a lot of chutzpah, but that is not chutzpah – it is stupidity in the rough.

Comments

[Princess]

you made laugh and spit diet coke with splenda on my computer. you not my friend

[Alex Vance]

Did the barber do your whole head or just trim around the hat?

[Kellbelle]

Speaking of dusty Texas roads, are you still planning to visit Texas?

[Mary J.]

Where's the picture of the hair?
Does Dr. JMR read this? If so, Hello Dr. JMR! :-)

[Rachel]

I was going to get my hair cut tomorrow, but I think I'm going to have to hold off until I stop thinking about your story of doom. *sigh* It was wildly entertaining, though!

[Kellbelle]

Yes, I am fleeing for good! College buddies uh? Are you good in math? hehe

[Sommer]

typepad isnt as much fun as dland :o( but no I was made no ass out of with the haircut assumption ;)

[Margaret]

So did they say really stupid things? That would have been amusing. Some people are very arrogant about their own so-called intellect.

[mel]

hey chris..

well as emily's new roommate *waves* i have to say that emily is probably one of the best roommates that i have had as well. and yes i love star wars.

also...i saw chris's hair, i didn't look THAT bad, but then he said he had fixed it. :)

[Pelosi]

Stay away from foil highlights.