Mission Accomplished

Fifteen states, six weeks, three blisters, eight sunburns, two oil changes, and nine academic hours ago I left Stepford in search of my master’s degree, best friend, and a new life for myself. Mission accomplished? I think so, but I am not ready to hang a banner off an aircraft carrier no matter what Tommy Franks thinks.

This summer is largely due to the generosity of others – my boss at my second job securing tuition reimbursement, my grandmother dying and willing me cash for school, my friends for having me over, my parents for outfitting the trip, my sister for lending me a car, and my readers for filling up my iPod with bad music so I could rock out on the way to Nebraska for school and then on to Colorado and Texas for my vacation.

My master’s degree is progressing nicely, but I need to work on my final project. I cannot work unless I am at my office – formerly known as the bar at the end of my kitchen counter. I have not started working on it because I need to clean my apartment. I am not saying the roommate is an incredible slob, I am saying I have obsessive-compulsive disorder and there is only so much I can take. As soon as I get done alphabetizing the tooth paste and canned food, I will be able to settle down and work. It was fantastic to be back in the classroom and on the other side of the desk.

I did find my best friend – he was in Texas where I had left him. I am not easy to be friends with and this guy handles me like a professional. I had the best time I have had on vacation in memory while I was at his house. I am not downing anyone else’s hospitality – but visiting him was the best part of the whole summer.

I also stayed too long with Emily, her roommate, Emily’s personable cat, and Emily’s roommate’s psychotic cat. Emily’s roommate contends that her cat is not psychotic – but the cat does not even like her. I have never encountered such an unhappy animal in my entire life.

I also have a plan to finally be a self-supported, single source of income adult that involves initially mooching off the best friend and saving around six thousand dollars, which is more than half of my annual income. We will see how it works out.

Here are my state-by-state impressions:

New York A lovely place to sit in traffic, thankfully the have an abundance of ridiculous talk radio shows to fill your time while you stare at the car in front of you.

New Jersey A whole state where you are never allowed to turn left and the gas stations (largely) lack restrooms. Still, it is home to some of my favorite people and wackier family members. Also, I saw more people in New Jersey wearing cowboy hats than I did in Texas.

Pennsylvania How can you dislike a turnpike with a Starbucks at every stop? It was like heaven. Also, there are Amish and there is nothing like the Amish to make me look so much less fanatical in my religious inclinations

West Virginia Every state should be as wise as Virginia in cutting off the unpleasant parts of their jurisdiction and allowing it to fend for themselves – the same goes for Kentucky (also formerly a part of Virginia)

Ohio Their electoral votes went to George Bush and that is the only good thing I can say about them.

Kentucky as bigoted as you think

Indiana Thanks to the iPod, I did not fall asleep in this state – also home to my sister’s convent. Our family has a sick predilection for living in churches.

Illinois I listened to a radio program driving through here with the premise that, if we taught monkeys to talk we would have to treat them humanely – which begs the question, “why do we treat mutes so well if they can’t complain?”

Missouri Put me out of my Missouri. I have never seen so many “adult video stores” in my entire life – and that was just off I-70.

Iowa I owe the world an apology? Probably

Nebraska I got my learn on. I did not notice a whole lot else.

Colorado Your alcohol tolerance drops when the altitude goes up, watch out for this.

New Mexico definitely better than the old one, and you can’t say THAT about New Jersey.

Texas God Bless Texas, everything is bigger in Texas – and I don’t care that they think they’re another country and everyone carries a gun, I am moving there when I grow up.

Kansas Missouri may have more porn, but Kansas has drive through porn shops. Can you beat that? I only go in those places because there are no children in those shops. Whoever dreamed that up was a genius.

Comments

[meredith]

hey, if you ever happen to want to be a self-sufficient adult in New Jersey and want a roommate, let me know....

[mary]

Sounds like an eventful trip, sorry I wasn't in KS when you passed through. Good luck gearing up for the upcoming school year!!

[liz]

So you chickened out and didn't make it to California?. I am sure that I speak for the entire state when I say, we feel slighted.

[Little Island]

The best trip summary I've read in many a year!

[emo]

you missed my state. you missed both of my states, actually! and you were so close. we could have had a slumber party!

[Margaret]

What a time you've had and I laughed myself silly over your state by state critique. The Pac NW is very nice--come on by any time.

[Yvonne]

Great travel commentary. I'm glad you had an interesting and enjoyable summer. Welcome home!

[golfwidow]

How was the Sonic status in each state? I ask because CT STILL doesn't have one.

[cosmic]

Ok, so I figured out how to comment. I am still sad.

[Barbara]

Ah, you failed to mention the lovely Diarist that reside in Pennsylvania!!