Supreme Court Vacancy, Filled

I saw an ad on TV this morning that said, “The Democrats will hate anyone Bush appoints.” This is most certainly true. I told Kipp this afternoon my favorite part of the whole circus is that last month the Democrats wanted Attorney General Gonzales’ head on a pike, this month he’s acceptable to a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court.

I personally want him to appoint my academic advisor from my undergraduate career to be appointed to the seat. I call it an undergraduate ‘career’ because it lasted longer than any other job I have ever had. Anyone who can endure that can certainly be an asset to the Supreme Court.

I would love her to be appointed because I envision myself being her receptionist not unlike David Spade’s character on Just Shoot Me, making pithy and generally ignorant remarks all day while I answer the phone and play on my laptop. Emily would probably take a position as her assistant, ala Karen Walker on Will and Grace. Emily is the cleverest witch of our year and has more job skills than almost anyone but she makes a fantastic Karen.

I can only imagine how genius the actual confirmation process would be;

The President’s announcement would be memorable:

President Bush: Rarely is asked the question: is our Supreme Court grammatical? Throughout my vocabularious administration, I have tried to obfuscate as much as possible and I have found in Doctor L.A. the perfect candidate to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court. She is a good woman, knowledgeable of grammar and gerunds and stuff. Heck, I don’t even know what a gerund is.

Doctor A.: Thank you, Master Yoda, for yet another assault on our language. While this appointment makes absolutely no sense, I accept it because nothing else in the passed five years has made sense either and I might as well cash in, too. I knew that given the chance, President Bush would ensconce me in a big, black, burqa-like tent but I had no idea that it would be as an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court.

The Senate testimony would be stellar:

Senator John Kerry: What, exactly, are your qualifications to be a Supreme Court Justice? You are not a lawyer or a judge. I was in Viet Nam; I have three Purple Hearts! What makes you think you can be a Supreme Court Justice?

Doctor A You may have gone to Viet Nam but when I was in college I went to a place called, “class.” I have a higher GPA than you do. You could not even get in our College of Education or DCE program at the University where I teach.

Senator John Kerry: Eat it! [Senator Kerry throws his medals at Dr. A] I had three purple hearts and now you do, too! They are not my medals! I did not vote for the War in Iraq before I voted against ketchup! Where am I? I do not work here! [Senator Kerry runs screaming from chamber]

Senator Chuck Hagel I am running for Vice-President! How do you respond to the accusation that you allowed Christopias to feed birds Altoids at the Uffuzi over Kristy Waterman’s objections?

Doctor A Chris did not feed the birds Altoids, he dropped them on the pavement, then accidentally ground them thoroughly with his feet to a size that a bird might be able to eat. It is no one’s fault that the birds ate the Altoids.

Senator Chuck Hagel I’m sorry, Doctor, but that contradicts half of what I have said as a Senator and most of my voting record. Thankfully, the other half of what I have said and voted on supports that.

Senator Barbara Boxer: I have this chart, it charts what you told the American people about WMD in Costa Rica. How do you explain the miss information you fed the people of the United States?

Doctor A.: I never told the American people anything about WMD in Costa Rica…

Senator Barbara Boxer: That is a sin of omission! You have offended us with what you have done, and by that which you have left undone! Do you deny these thoughts, words, and deeds?

Doctor A.: I cannot by my own reason or understanding comprehend what you are talking about. I never said anything about WMD in Costa Rica. Costa Rica has more monkeys than people!

Senator Barbara Boxer: [Now standing on her chair] Liar! Liar! Liar!

Doctor A.: I will not have you impugn my integrity! In fact, I will not even let you use a word that would appropriately complete that sentence either!

Senator Barbara Boxer DIE! [Senator Boxer leaps from her chair chomps down on Doctor A’s arm like a well-trained police dog, Senator Nelson starts to smack Senator Boxer with his toupee to free Doctor A of Senator Boxer]

Senator Nelson: Bad Barbara, bad! Get off Doctor A! Bad! [Senator Kerry runs back into the chamber, waiving a catsup bottle, knocking papers off the Senator’s desks]

Senator Kerry: I have a plan! [squirts ketchup on Doctor A.] I! HAVE! A! PLAN!

Clearly, this is the best of all possible worlds.

Comments

[Alex Vance]

I like your high-altitude blogging, Spritopher. It must be the lack of oxygen up there.