Weekend Update

Friday after classes, I drove to Colorado to see my friend Emily and wait until it is time to go to Texas. The drive was uneventful; the people of Nebraska have turned their rest stops into sculpture gardens dedicated to peace and harmony in the world. I know I drive out to places with no names in order to meditate, at a filthy rest stop, on peace and harmony.

Saturday we woke up late, entertained the Direct TV guy and then went to Pike’s Peak where we sacrificed Emily’s car, Dale, after driving it up and down the mountain. Pike’s Peak is something that you will have to see yourself because I could never describe the feeling of being there and what I saw. We were above the clouds and the thin air added to the feeling of euphoria provided by being there.

It was where America, the Beautiful was written. You could tell why but it is even truer today, you can see the beauty of the Rocky Mountains juxtaposed with the urban sprawl that is Colorado Springs. Colorado Springs is a filthy place and what I might call the South Pole of Colorado. It is the home to Focus of the Family, “Where the Love of Jesus and the tolerance of the Republican Party take a hike!” Before you Democrats comment, you have proven in the past five years that you are still very much the party of racism, and the Bush family is the very much the party of racial progress in this republic.

When you arrive at Focus on the Family you are greeted by an Arian boy who is way too excited to be there, who tells you to sign in or security will beat you down. You will notice that there are no minorities there. I am surprised the women there spoke without being first spoken to. I heard them whispering that I looked “Jew-y,” my Yale t-shirt and Yankees cap give away that I am from the First World (New England/New York Metro).

The Focus on the Family Compound is an Amusement Park and Monument to bigotry. I am not kidding; they had rides at Focus on the Family as well as dioramas of homosexuals and Catholics being stoned. Okay, the dioramas were of other things but if they could get away with it there would be a diorama of Hell with the different rings labeled: “Papists” “Lutherans” “Queers” “Abortionists” “Democrats” “Canadians” and “Californians.”

We saw a sixteen-year-old boy with his right arm broken, I would have taken his picture, but Emily said I could not. They broke it because they caught him masturbating. Masturbating is not just a sin because you are slaughtering millions of potential Republicans but because the person masturbating is enjoying himself and you can never do that as an evangelical. Evangelicals must be joyless. This was all written on his cast by James Dobson himself.

Upon leaving, Emily and I called into the Home Office to inform Dr. A that our mission was a success. I spat on the floor for my Catholic and homosexual friends.

The next day we went to Boulder, which is the north pole of Colorado (I decided this because my phone only works between Colorado Springs and Boulder). Boulder is where all the hippies and liberals are. We also went to Estes Park National Park, the hotel where they filmed The Shining and to a Wine Tasting.

I drank like a pro. I drank as if were Summer Gale. Okay, I had eleven half glasses of wine and had trouble walking and we can say it had something to do with the elevation but as anyone who went the conference at Yale this past May can attest, I hold my liquor like a colander.

I am having the time of my life in Colorado. I am probably boring Emily to certain death. I will write about my Fourth of July tomorrow. I hope you had a nice one.

Comments

[Sarah Betrothed]

So if you fit more then one ring of hell according to FOTF do you automatically go to the lowest ring? Because I fit in 3! Democrat, Lutheran, and Californian. Or do they have an entirely new ring that's in the center for people as awful as I am?

[Alex Vance]

I'm glad you're having a good time in Colorado.

Hopefully, when America finally switches from fossil fuels to ethanol, the local mouth-siphoners will merely get drunk rather than poisoned.

You chose the right time to travel: Buzznet has been offline for much of the past two days, possibly for technical reasons, but I think maybe Karl Rove is trying to play with Timmay's head. Lack of Buzznet has forced me to seek entertainment in the cobwebbed recesses of the Internet, and luckily I found a couple of stories you may find interesting.

First this, on the possible convergence of McDonald's and Abercrombie & Fitch.
http://adage.com/news.cms?newsId=45461#

I also saw a story about a rising problem in education: scantily clad teachers.

http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/news.aspx?id=15515

This gave me my own brainstorm on how schools can improve discipline: continue to require students to wear school uniforms, but encourage faculty to adopt "gangsta" style clothing. You really want to mouth off, Johnny? That saggy-pants geometry teacher just might be packing a 9 milimeter.

[Margaret]

I am jealous--I have always wanted to go to Colorado. It sounds like you are tearing it up! I wouldn't make it in the Focus on the Family Compound either. I lean a bit too far left.