The question of what to wear to the wedding has been irrevocably resolved! Due to the ethnicity of our last name, the Princess and I have decided that we should attend the wedding in kilts. Our last name has over two hundred plaids, or tartans, to choose. Unfortunately, we decided this without enough time to commission them – since each one is made to order and the Stepford Kilts-R-Us closed when the haberdasher, in a heroin induced rage, headed William Wallace’s call and slaughtered the English family who ran the fish and chips stand. This is when the City of Stepford got serious about the drug problem, ousted Richard Pryor as mayor, and built a methadone clinic RIGHT OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT.
I would seriously wear a kilt, and so would my sister. There is nothing unattractive about that outfit, except the models they show wearing them. Our favorite part is having a knife strapped to your leg. However, the real vetoes came in for the kilt when the Vice-President (Kipp) stated that I could not wear a skirt, no matter what it was called, lest I look better in it than she would. This sentiment was shared by her recently appointed personal assistant Madeline Albright. Madeline is perfect for the job because even on Kipp’s worst day Madeline will always be fatter and uglier, not to mention insanely incompetent. Thankfully, Madeline is always dripping in bling - maintaining her street cred. Thank God for Condi Rice, without her we would not know that a woman could not only be appointed to a high office, but also be able to do that job and be exceedingly attractive.
The final reason that I cannot wear a kilt is not that no one I know or am related to is Scottish, is that I would not only look better in the skirt than Kipp or the Princess, but I could possibly outshine the Bride. It is her day and the Major (my father) has made it ‘pretty-damn-clear” that my normal antics and trouble making are unwelcome this weekend and unbecoming for someone my age.
Now, I am going to get my hair cut for the wedding. I am not to be a shaggy hippie at the nuptials.
Haircut? HOw about a Mohawk. THAT would make a statement.
Posted by: cosmic | Wednesday, 10 August 2005 at 06:55 PM
Speaking of kilts you MUST check out this picture in alleged wife's diary. You must! It is the single most important reason why you DO NOT want to wear a kilt. Unless you are into that sort of thing...
http://allegedwife.diaryland.com/050718_54.html
Posted by: liz | Wednesday, 10 August 2005 at 06:58 PM
I do like kilts, as my dad is Scottish. You have to have the right legs for them though and be careful in the wind.
Posted by: Margaret | Wednesday, 10 August 2005 at 11:55 PM
Oh, Behave!
Posted by: Yvonne | Thursday, 11 August 2005 at 10:17 AM
Well maybe a kilt with a lovely argyle vest would be an interesting alternative.
Posted by: Suburban Island | Thursday, 11 August 2005 at 09:48 PM
Life begins at conception, at birth
Posted by: lexus | Saturday, 29 September 2007 at 11:56 PM