CE if you’re Hebrew

Today, in 1911, the South Pole was discovered. I feel like I have moved to the South Pole with the temperature in the teens.

I have received many Christmas Cards lately, I have not received any that the blithely wished me, “Happy Holidays.” I always feel like a card that just says “Happy Holidays” instead of “Happy Holiday You Celebrate.” This time of year is full of holiday, but if you were really friends with a person enough to blow the money for a card and stamp, would you not also be close enough to know what the celebrated? When I have the presence of mind to send out cards at the holidays I remember to buy cards for my Jewish friends that mention Hanukah, Christmas for my Christian friends and Kwanza cards for people who make up their own holidays.

However, I am too classless to send out cards this holiday season. I am feigning that graduate School, teaching, a part-time job, and my lame attempt at a personal life are eating my time in such a way that I cannot find the time to write something down in a card and mail it. I love you all, each one of you – but not enough to go to the post office and buy stamps.

I figure that if you have not heard from me for the rest of the year or if we have not seen each other then, to be honest, I could care less if you have a nice holiday or not because I obviously also do not care how the rest of your year went either.

I go to great lengths to keep up with the people who are important in my life and I try to see them each every two years, unless you are my best friend – then I try to squeeze in a visit every eight to ten years. With email, cell phones and other people’s cars and couches, I am able to get around to everyone that I want to and if I did not see you or call you, there is probably a reason.

Conversely, if I have not heard from someone the rest of the year I do not mind if you do not send me a card either and the last thing I want to do is read your letter detailing your year, your mediocre children and lackluster vacation. My father’s Aunt Fern is the worst, she writes poetry – of the most awful sort. Her poems rhyme and very contrived. The worst part of my Grandmother’s funeral was holding my peace during and after the reading of the poem she wrote about my Grandmother.

In that vein, the worst thing I do with Christmas cards is throw them out without opening them if they come from someone I detest and then lie to my mother when she asks if I received a card from (insert a member of her family). My sister likes to open them and see what they wrote, but it usually rude and considering the lengths they went to be nasty to my sister after my father’s heart attack and the two weeks he was in the hospital I can only say that there are not enough candles on my menorah to burn all their correspondence. No, I will never be poor enough to open their cards to see if they sent cash or checks.

On that note, Alex Vance sent the best Christmas Card of the year. Picture it, Palestine, 28 AD (CE if you’re Hebrew), Jesus is standing in the doorway allowing snow to blow into the house and his mother Mary says, “Jesus Christ, shut the door! Were you born in a barn?” Dr. G wins for the best Christmas letter, it was just a list of what she did and where she went during the year without the tedious descriptions that normally accompany such letters. I enjoyed all the cards I have opened this year and thank everyone who sent one, it as an honor just to be thought of by such fine people.

Comments

[meredith]

so i WAS going to ask you for your address...but...um...i guess maybe not so much now...

[Christopher]

I'm not against cards, I'm against cards from people who don't like each other or that are generic. Its just expensive junk mail at that point.

[l-empress]

You make me wonder...

[candoor]

I rarely do cards because I am seldom organized enough to mail out bill payments on time (so I use telephone payments) so keeping addresses and envelopes and stamps stopped happening when I got rid of my desk and all my other worldly possessions... anyway, they say it's the thought that counts and I am always thinking... I love the honesty (and the born in a barn' card :)

[Margaret]

I don't do separate cards for everyone, thus Happy Holidays is safe and inclusive. It doesn't leave out anyone!