disco passionate

I feel like I should be doing something productive on my vacation from teaching, working, and going to school. So far, all I have accomplished is sleeping in, watching television, reading, and playing video games. I have a “to do” list a mile long, which I have also lost. I am, however, taking a shower every day, and changing my clothes too. I also am taking very few of my meals at home.

Yesterday’s outing out of the house was to a wake for a friend’s father. I felt guilt because her father died of a heart attack and my father has come out of his like a professional heart attack artist (one more heart attack and he gets to be Vice-President). You can tell that my father is still not completely well because he is often tired now but he does a great job of hiding that, if you were not here when he had the heart attack you would also question that it happened at all.

You can see it in the concern on people’s faces when we meet friends while we are out to eat or at a church function, it is like he is Baby Jessica and they have just pulled him out of the well. He may not be old (forty-eight) but I just dated myself with that cultural reference. Their relief at his new found wellness betrays how ill he really was.

I have my father; our friend does not. I feel a certain sense of relief and guilt. Our friend’s Christmas could be my Christmas. I could be shaking hands at a visitation instead of at tiresome Christmas parties. I could be consoling my mother over my father’s death instead of helping her wrap his presents.

We were shopping yesterday for presents, I am not giving or getting presents this year, but she is. She asked me again if I wanted anything and I said, “I think presents take away from the holiday and we have our family in one piece for one more Christmas. I am afraid to ask for more. What more do we need?”

Comments

[Alex Vance]

"Wise man says:
Forget the past:
you cannot change it.
Forget the present:
I didnt get you one."
-----------------------
But seriously, I'm glad to hear your father's doing well.

[liz]

Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah. Glad to hear about your dad.

[Paula]

You are so right about presents taking away from Christmas. I have been toying with the idea of a presentless Christmas for a while but when I bring it up, people get upset at me. My goal next year is a completely simplified and spiritual Christmas. You are lucky to have your father with you but he is even luckier to be able to experience more life with a wonderful son like you. Happy New Year Christopher.

[Suburban Island]

Merry Christmas, dear Christopher! I am glad your dad is doing okay. I am shocked about his age. For some reason I am placing him in his 60s. Good health is a great gift.

[Christopher]

Nope, only 48. In my classroom, if your father is still alive - mine is younger than yours.