ring through my ears and sting my eyes

I have been working my butt off, literally, on this diet. On this weekend, of all weekends, I have decided to cheat on Dr. Atkins with my old lover, Oreo Cookies. I went to Super Stop and Shop to round up the delicious chocolate and crème sandwich cookies along with the other carbohydrates I have steadfastly ignored to the tune of forty-plus pounds lost. Super Stop and Shop should cross out the “Super” in their name because of all the products they carry, they do not carry Double Stuff Oreos.

Sure, they have the ones with yellow fillings for Spring and pink filling for Easter, chocolate covered Oreos, and even inverse Oreos with chocolate middles and Mint Oreos. When I asked the person from Nabisco who was stocking the shelves if they had any that they were hiding some place else in the store he offered me reduced fat Oreos. I consider those to be blasphemous, unnatural, and offensive. Reduced fat Oreos are like cartoons of the prophet Mohammed – completely out of line – but unlike my peers across the Muslim world, I do not wait several months to react to my offense. I told the person from Nabisco that reduced fat Oreos were offensive to me, and to Jesus.

I wanted Double Stuff Oreos. Nothing else would do. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I was homicidal. I had to walk around the store for a while to calm down before I could consider operating the car. I have been accused of being homicidal before, and I have even claimed that I had been before, but today I was truly unhinged.

I had half a mind to call Melissa Potter because it reminded me of our college experience. Me from the East Coast and her from the West Coast: both missing not only our homes and families, but also product availability that people in the Midwest not only live with but gladly accept. Do you realize that when I was in college you had to drive to Omaha, an hour and a half, to get Reece’s Pieces? How many times did she have to shut me up in Pac-N-Save of Seward, when I would be incredulous at the idea that they did not have staple products like Breyer’s Natural Vanilla or Aunt Jemima pancakes? I will only admit to being ridiculous when I was hunting down Matzos in the Midwest. Eh, the more the Manshevitz, the closer to God.

You have no idea how many people I have conned into driving to Omaha for or with me. My mother would say, “Maybe God is trying to tell you that you don’t need the Reece’s Pieces” and alternately Double Stuff Oreos, my friend Amy replied, “God is just telling us to work harder.” The greatest length I ever went to for junk food involved driving the car down a bike path (I wore a helmet, making it legal). Of course, only Amy had God’s good sense to buy more than on bag of the Reece’s Pieces because my father was on the record for thinking us out of our damned minds to drive around like that with gas at eighty-seven cents a gallon. It leaves no illusions in my mind as to why most of the Pioneers pressed on through Missouri, Nebraska, into Wyoming and Idaho over the Rockies to Oregon. They were looking for a decent Albertson’s with fresh produce and all the junk food your heart could dream of.

I did not move to Connecticut, leaving my family and people only pretending to be my friend, to work at a job I do not like for too little money and not even have pretend friendships not to have Double Stuff Oreos on my birthday. I work too hard, am too miserable, to be denied this one, small, happiness. I did eventually find them in Target, an adventure for another day, and they were even on sale.

I realize that other people have lives harder than mine and would find happiness in much more substantial and simpler pleasures than a Double Stuff Oreo, but there is no accounting for taste and I will not tolerate being compared to ignorant people who suffer from acute culinary illiteracy. Certainly not, if I am ignoring my own mother reminding me that I am lactose intolerant and allergic to refined sugar – food does not make me happy, it usually makes me pretty sick.

And, lucky for Melissa - I was distracted by a shiny object and forgot to call her.

Comments

[liz]

You just reminded me of a lady I worked with 25 years ago. She was from New York, and her boyfriend had been transferred out to LA. She wouldn''t go without a ring, so eventually he went back, popped the questioned, they got hitched, saved like crazy, bought a house in the valley, and there they festered. Two displaced New York Jews in, like, the valley. They divorced and at some point she took up with a guy who took a promotion in Oklahoma City. Eventually she did follow him, to check it out on a provisional basis. She was back in a few months. Her biggest complaint? She had to take up knitting for something to do, and she had to drive all the way to Dallas to shop. and that was the point of my story. Have a nice weekend!

[l'empress]

On sale, huh? Did you look for an expiration date? When something is not available in Stop & Shop -- especially a Super Stop & Shop -- it is very likely tht they are being phased out. Back in the day, there was one vsriety of Oreo; when the product developers got going, not only were there too many varieties, none of them tasted as good. It's the equivalent of dembing down the flavor.

[My Spin On Things]

I'd go to another store and find muh double stuffed Oreos's partner:)

[golfwidow]

Our Super Stop & Shop has the Double-Stuff Oreos, but I only like Oreos with milk, to which I am allergic.

Did I miss your birthday? I think I might suck.

[Alex Vance]

So how did you celebrate your birthday, man? More than just cookies, I hope.

[Alex Vance]

You should have taken your class to this to lobby in favor of Double Stuff Oreos:

http://www.boston.com/news/local/connecticut/articles/2006/03/06/some_legislators_say_quirky_bills_make_good_civics_lessons/

[Alex Vance]

http://www.boston.com/news/local/connecticut/articles/2006/03/06/some_legislators_say_quirky_bills_make_good_civics_lessons/

[Alex Vance]

It won't post the damn link!