t-h-a-t

My students are taking their standardized tests this week which leaves me with time on my hands during the day when I would normally be busy flapping my gums about anything from Woodrow Wilson to prepositional phrases, the catch is that I have to be quiet. This excludes many of the things I would do in my classroom when I have a free minute.

I could play one of the lame video games I have on my computer, LEGO Star Wars is a favorite but it is hard to quickly quit out of if my boss comes into the room and I tend to be expressive when I am playing video games (even lame ones) the last thing testing students need is for their teacher to let off a stream of expletives while they are trying to concentrate. This also is why I cannot grade any late or adrift papers that wander into my in-box. I also cannot clean my classroom or get my OCD on by rearranging something in the room. I have to find something quiet to do at my own desk.

I was sitting here typing something up for another lesson when it occurred to me: I should clean my computer. I have special LCD wipes for my computer and camera screens so I took those out but then I saw something in my keyboard – a sesame seed – and realized that I needed to clean my keyboard, too.

I have no knowledge of computers or their mysterious inner workings but I do know how to pop the keyboard off on my computer. I do not know what the shiny objects under the keyboard are or what the best way to go about removing the crumbs, eyelashes, and other refuse lurking down there. Knowing that computers, especially laptops, are exquisitely delicate, I knew I probably should not touch it or rub it down with a chemical. I decided the best course of action was to pick the computer up, keyboard dangling, and dump the rubbish out of the computer’s keyboard.

I am most annoyed by the sesame seed. Sesame seeds are found on carbohydrates: Big Mac buns, the crust of pizzas, and worst of all – in Chinese food. Someone has been eating carbohydrates and using my computer while doing it, ostensibly to leave evidence I was bound to find to rub in my that they can enjoy the carb laden sugary goodness of Mc Donald’s, Mc Donald’s, a Kentucky Fried Chicken, and a Pizza Hut.

What is really annoying me is that the insurance people have not gotten back to me about fixing the other computer and I have been taking it out on my class. Specifically, when Fernando asked for the tenth time, “how do I spell weight?” I said, “W-e-i-e-i-o-g-h-t.” Then during the spelling test he asked, “How do I spell that?” when the spelling word was, “hamburger.” I said, “t-h-a-t” because I was appalled that (a) he had fallen for that trick twice already this year, and (b) that someone I see almost daily at Mc Donald’s does not know their food groups (Burgers, Premium Chicken, Fries, Ice Cream & Pies). He is an embarrassment to all the rest of us fat people. When I was his age I could not spell my name but I could spell enchilada. For the first time in my career, I feel the sting of failure. The only thing that makes me feel better is seeing ‘t-h-a-t’ on his spelling test.

Of course, I am concerned for the weight and their health and when considering their health I picked Fig Newtons as their snack during testing. I eschewed cookies for the snack that is fruit and cake. Chaos Bean insists that they are a healthy choice, probably only in comparison to cupcakes, or eating whole sticks of butter.

On a side note, the thing I miss more about being a debater than having structured, intelligent discussions with well informed people about substantial topics is being able to say “rubbish” while someone else is speaking or to admonish them that they should be ashamed of themselves for what they are saying. I rarely ‘shamed’ someone, because coming from shows loads of nerve or a lot of shame.

Comments

[liz]

Hey there, you know they sell canned air for cleaning your keyboard? I'm not sure what they call it, besides canned air...but it is aerosol and has a tiny little wand for directing the flow. You can blow that crap right out of there!

[Betrothed]

Don’t get yourself too down, when you get here we cab discuss and dissect all the issues you want to- it's not like having a crappie job is going to take up a lot of my time. And the "t-h-a-t" incident is well pretty much the funniest thing I have heard in a very long time, props to you.

[Suburban Island]

It's the little things in life that drive us crazy.