The Forest of Nerds

Emily and I embarked on an important project two years ago and have only now completed it with Chaos Bean’s return from her surveying mission. Emily and I, with the help of Chaos Bean and an interesting person we met during our work – Melody, and others, have successfully mapped the Forest of Nerds.

Emily and I have been to the Forest of Nerds and enjoy frequent visits to a place on the outskirts of the forest. However, we were unaware of the deeper reaches of the forest and the forest’s inhabitants. We also had no clue as to the diversity of the population or that really, there are populations within the forest. Over time many of the populations within the forest have intermingled rendering some groups virtually indistinguishable even to the best-trained anthropologists. Most of the species found here do not live full time in the forest – they only return often, like animals looking for a mate or religious pilgrims. Other species leave rarely and some, sadly, never leave all. Emily and I charted twenty-one major groups within the forest. To be certain, there are other small groups and each group has subgroups. This map and this study are not meant to be comprehensive – rather this is a survey of tribes, clans and factions we encountered.

We started our journey where most people do, on the outskirts. This isn’t the only way in, some people are born here and other parachute directly in to one of the encampments. I started in the Speech and Debate camp and Emily started at Choir and Band. We met up at Harry Potter, oddly enough labeled 9 & 3/4 on the map. Speech and Debate, Choir and Band, Bloggers, and Drama and Theatre comprise the Cardinal Gatekeepers. If you walk into the forest, you’re going through them.

Not to get ahead of myself, the forest is ruled by a monarchy. Currently, Melody of House O’Malley is queen of the forest. Before her rule the forest was unruly, intermittently violent and quite nasty. She organized the people into their areas of the forest to keep warring factions separate. Melody was able to achieve harmony in the forest because she belongs to all groups and no group. She transcends any label and each applies to her in turn. This begins at the gates to the forest where she separated the gatekeepers into four groups, before they had merely been “people who don’t shower after gym.” She then divided the Speech and Debate people from the Drama and Theatre groups, because of their animosity towards one another, set the Bloggers high upon the hill to look down on all and set the Choir and Band people upon the plain so they could march when they felt the need.

There are areas of the forest where there is harmony. There is no conflict between the Lord of the Rings camp and the Potter fans. In similar fashion the World of Warcraft faction only needed to be near the Internet connection; no one has any idea what the Dr. Who people are talking about – or even where they came from. However, other groups have violent disagreements and while Melody rules a harmonious kingdom from her home off the center of the forest, Palais de la Mélodie, she has her work cut out for her in maintaining order.

First, and most difficultly, the groups of space-based fandom must be kept separate. The Battlestar Galacticans, the Jedi, the Stargate Atlantians, and the Trekkies must be kept from one another or the arguments roar on without out end. Their disagreements never turn violent, despite what they will tell you the Battlestar Galacticans and Stargate Atlantians have no special technology, the Jedi cannot actually channel the Force and the Trekkies have no special neck pinch. While they are annoying and their arguments are without end they are harmless creatures. Melody’s legitimacy as a monarch comes from being a princess in the Star Wars tribe thus the Palais de la Mélodie is located on the outskirts of the Star Wars encampments and she is protected by people dressed as storm troopers, albeit short ones.

While the Star Dorks are harmless the real danger in the forest comes from the Renaissance Fair and Civil War Reenactment rivalry. The Star Dorks all speak English. The Renaissance Fairies do not and this exacerbates the difficulties between them and the Civil War buffs. The crux of their disagreement is the wholesale disregard for historical accuracy by the Renaissance Fairies that is a key element of the Civil War buffs lifestyle. Both groups are heavily and unfortunately armed. There have been minor skirmishes between the two groups but Melody has been able to quell the insurrections by pointing out that slaughtering Fairies was not a war goal of the Union or Confederacy war goals. The Fairies are prevailed upon to be wary of gunpowder weaponry. Recently Melody has removed the Fairies to the deepest part of the forest near Palais de la Mélodie to keep an eye on the dimwits.

Other concerns are keeping the Japanese Animation factions separate from the Adult Swimmers – and keeping both from the Disney Adults; keeping the Buffy fans from slaughtering the people who think they are vampires – who have oddly mingled with the pirates; keeping the Dungeons and Dragons crowd out of the Sun; and keeping the Dr Who fans from confusing everyone. In one tragic example of her predecessor’s incompetence in keeping the Dr. Who’s separate from the others a small group of Trekkies started to speak Klingon. Tragically, these people can never again leave the forest.

A small group did escape in what is now called the Plander Debacle. The Klingons slipped past the Bloggers by taking out the wireless transmitter for the Internet, anchoring the Bloggers to their desks and interrupting their surveillance. They made it as far as a small Amish village in Kansas – which has no business being there – and were butchered by an angry Excel-wielding mob led by Kristy Plander who had mistaken them for Paratroopers. Now the Klingons are kept in the deepest parts of the forest and when they reproduce their offspring are sent to Grove School.

This tragedy prompted our research to give you a better understanding of the forest and its people, an appreciation for who they are and a guide to bring you from place to place should you find yourself there.

Comments

[Alex V]

This forest scares me.
I wouldn't even set foot in it without my paintball gun.

[Stan]

I have a question about the animals that inhabit the forest.... Are they all Furrys? This truly wouldn't be a Nerd Forest... or rather a "Forest of Nerds" if the animals roaming weren't anthropomorphic.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furry_fandom

[Emily]

If I live with the Queen, does that make me the Lady-in-Waiting in the forest?

As long as I don't have to dress in the cultural costumes of the inhabitants, I am fine with associating with any of the clans that reside therein. Just don't expect me to adopt the culture. As a gatekeeper, I must remain unbiased and unaffiliated with the various tribes.

[Stan]

I bet the Forest is Wifi enabled

[Spritopias]

I think that, in honesty, we all have a place here in this forest - every one of has a place and a place for everyone. If we were truly insulted by this we need to take ourselves less seriously.

I count several places where I fit on the map and really, Emily and I made this making fun of ourselves.

[Spritopias]

The Forest is WiFi enabled, Melody is a good and just ruler.

Chaos Bean is no where to be found in the forest.

[Stan]

No CB in the forest? Did you check under the bridges?

[PhilosopherP]

Are you sure the Speech and Debate people get along well enough to share an area?

I suspect that the NPDA-loyalists woul pick terrible fights with the NPTE people... and both would gang-up on the IEers (with good reason).

[Suburban Island]

I think that there is a large suburbanized area of the forest that you need to chart.

[Nicole~Emily's friend]

That is the funniest thing I have ever read!! You are hilarious!

[pixeltopia]

Where's the best location for Rodney King to make his "Can't we all just get along?" speech?

[liz]

That was hysterical. I loved that. Love, love, love that. I kept waiting for MY brand of nerdiness...I guess I'm just a blogger now, but in high school, being editor of the literary magazine AND a Neil Diamond fan didn't earn me any cred, let me tell you. Even if that WAS in the '70's. LATE '70's :)

[Ryan]

Nerd.