cheating on you

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.
Benjamin Disraeli

Oops.

Today I went hiking with the science teacher on my team. I became sick and had to leave early with Jeff’s words ringing in my ears, a lot of people had the same idea I did – stay home. We went well before the sun fully rose but it hot by the time I staggered back to my car.

I’ve been cheating on you. I have been spending my time, free and contracted, at school, working or with teachers – those things are not always mutual – and I have not been spending time doing what I love, which is writing. I’m also loath to pass on the stories from the classroom fearing that I will become pigeonholed into telling dull stories all the time about the same ‘you had to be there’ topic.

I also have the problem of my students being good this year, which isn’t a problem at school but it is if you want to tell entertaining stories outside of ‘the office.’ The best I have is that we had a kid we wanted to take a pre-emptive strike on and call his parent or guardian before he got too squirrelly. We honestly wanted to ensure he had a successful year by working around his predilections before they became discipline issues.

When he figured this out he went from his forecast being ‘partly immature to mostly stinky, with a high of getting his pencil out and a low of shoving crayons into the pencil sharpener,’ to taking scissors out of someone else’s backpack – that kid having scissors being an independent concern – to cut a butt-hole into a stuffed Babar the Elephant he found on the playground. By the time I was wise to what he was doing Babar’s eyes had been gouged out.

Who would do something like that to Babar? He’s royalty, not some hood-rat like Big Bird or Snuffalufagus! I’m outraged! You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in to the wind, you don’t pull the mask of that old Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with Babar. Paddington Bear and Curious George would do well to watch their backs.

When I called the English teacher to tell her I had a hard time not laughing because I might be turning thirty (in six months and four days) but I am still pretty much thirteen. I was composed until she laughed as well. She’s an amazing teacher but she makes the mistake of letting me hang around her own offspring. In school I am one person and outside of school and school hours I am another. I feel no compulsion to be a good example for children unless I am at school. Specifically, I am going to be her son’s irresponsibility mentor this year – not that he as much needs my help as he needs quality training.

Later on in the lesson there was a time when the students were to color something. This is when he made his move on my electric pencil sharpener. When I was on the other side of the room helping another student he went over and broke a crayon into the sharpener and then crammed it in there with a pencil. That’s when I kicked him out of my classroom – something I am embarrassed to have had to do – the other children where furious with him and I was worried for him; as one of them pointed out: he wastes a lot of everyone’s time. My students are not only generally good this year but they are also serious about learning – for their age.

Hopefully the rest of the year remains as remarkably tame as it has been so far and this young elephant-abuser returns with better behavior. I won’t hold my breath. Moments, such as the unfortunate torture of Babar remind us of how lucky we really have it this year.

Comments

[pixeltopia]

One day this past week we were talking during lunch about troublesome and memorable students. My very first year of teaching (20 years this year, dear god i can't believe it)I had a student named Devious. Swear to god. Devious T. He did everything he could to live up to his name. Obviously his strung out crack-addicted excuse for a mother had a shoot up buddy as well because there actually was a second student named Devious in a lower grade level. During moments when we could steal away, we would always compare notes on the hellish mission the two Devii embarked on each day.

[Suburban Island]

This is the kind of post that makes me laugh out loud and recommend Caustically Optomistic to everyone I know.