like donkey kong

This weekend I went to IKEA with Vicki with an invented reason and to have breakfast. While we were there we were looking for a baby present for the English teacher on my team. Specifically, we were looking for a name for the baby, something unique and Swedish. I am returning my gift because the English teacher threw down the gauntlet and now it’s on, like Donkey Kong.

Here’s how things went down:

The English teacher’s son needed a mentor and I took it upon myself to be his irresponsibility mentor. His stepfather is a great man, a really amazing person who you would learn nothing but virtue from and his father is apparently some type of religious leader. It is oxymoronic to take on the responsibility of irresponsibility mentoring so it fell to me as the only man in his life who is moronic to take on this imperative task. If I hadn’t stepped in when I did he might have grown up to be a productive member of society. As a teacher it is my sworn duty to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening.

I have been diligently undermining her and her husband’s best efforts to mold him into a fine young man and contributor to society. People think that like shit*, “Spritopias Happens®,” but a great deal of work goes into being this crass, offensive, and charming. It is indeed so important that I be myself that I have a Vice-President to fill in for me in the instance that I am incapacitated or unable to fill my duties. These are skills I need to hone before Chaos Bean has her own children because my own son seems incorruptible and Jon and Melissa’s son will require greater skill than even I have.

A good example of this would be his backpack. He was doing what he should be doing, which is the wrong thing, and destroyed his backpack. He packed it all wrong and the bag fell apart. His parents, rightly, declined to buy him a new one since he didn’t take care of the one they bought him in August. He would have to use an old one. I offered to bring him one from home but I went to target with another Social Science teacher**,*** and bought him a new one instead. If that weren’t enough, I filled it with toys and hid them under school supplies – offending not only his own parents but hopefully a swath of eighth grade teachers as well, maybe an assistant principal or guidance councilor, too.

Another example of my shenanigans was when they thought it would be a good idea to take me out in public and invited me to a baseball game with them. We were so bad that two people left the game and another couple interrupted their regularly scheduled public domestic dispute to point out that we were at a baseball game and that we were being obnoxious. I forget what I said in response but I definitely didn’t apologize.

They have also invited me to church, but I won’t be fooled. I can see an exorcism attempt a mile off. It would be a waste of time anyway. You would be amazed at how many times people have tried that on either myself, or Chaos Bean. Besides, one of my best friends is a Catholic priest and he’s been trying to exorcise me for years – at least that’s what I think he’s trying to do. I’m not sure, he tells me not to question him.

So in return for this undermining of her parenting the English teacher has enacted revenge. Today in the middle of a very serious staff meeting she decided to fight back and hit below the belt. No, she didn’t share how I have worse table manners than her four-year-old or how she caught me dancing and singing along to my iPod. She disclosed my blog to the rest of the people at this meeting – people who I have snowed into believing that I am a decent human being who goes to church, pays his taxes and votes for Democrats. Now they are going to know that the last part isn’t true. The last thing I needed confirmed for the coworkers is that I am a crass, immature sloth.

I know you can’t fool all the people all of the time but you can fool some of the people some of the time. Sure, one of the people in that meeting thinks I’m an unprofessional jerk (true) and her friend in the Science department thinks I’m a pompous ass (also true) but the rest of those chumps think I am a nice guy who works hard and other things that simply aren’t true. This blog has put me through more lawyers and girlfriends than I care to count.

This is truly a disaster. It would be better for me that there were naked pictures of me on the internet, at least that way I would know that people were laughing with me not just at me. I feel so exposed and violated. The next time her son needs a new backpack, which should be in three or four weeks, instead of toys I am going to fill it with cigarettes and pornography.

*Suburban Island might say shit when no one is listening but she protests my inability to stop saying it in this forum.
** Teachers, like zombies and missionaries, move in packs.
*** I call it Social Science purely for comedy

Comments

[Padre Pietro]

You little bastard. Did your mother have any children who lived? Anyone who leaves their son or daughter with you is being criminally negligent.

[Alex V]

Oh, man. There goes your perfect score on Ratemyteachers.com

[Margaret]

You have a perfect score on ratemyteachers? Wow. I say shocking things around people sometimes because they think I'm way more prim and proper than I am.

[Allanna]

Cigarettes and porn??
C'mon. hit them where it hurts.

Load that bag with CANDY.
Now I want candy.