First Friday

Now that it is just unseasonably warm instead of “grill steak on the sidewalk” hot I have decided to participate in “First Friday” with my work-friend, Casey. First Fridays happen all over the Republic but this was the first time I went to Phoenix’s. While the First Friday – Phoenix Edition was pretty lame compared to the one held in Louisville, Kentucky it was still an interesting adventure for me.

First Friday – Phoenix Edition starts well if it starts at Casey’s house. Casey provides a prodigious spread of food, a well lit place to meet people and a clean bathroom – the likes of which you will not see until you stumble home later that night or early the next morning. After everyone has eaten Casey trundles us downtown to see what the tweakers made with their crayons.

Mark’s Malfeasance – An Interlude

Before I start to talk about the arts and crap we saw downtown I have to talk about Mark. I have no explanation from Mark’s behavior, which I can only describe as shameful. I am appalled at his actions mainly because he beat me to it. Mark and I were in a gaggle of teachers when what to our wondering eyes does appear but nerds in their underpants advertising the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The last thing I want to see when I am out with my friends would be nerds standing in their underpants on a street corner soliciting for something. Furthermore, it is the position held by this government that this whole enterprise is indecent and contrary to our morals – of which we have too few. Common decency would dictate that one stuff their underpants or brassier to attract attention (and therefore membership) but also to be properly groomed and by ‘properly groomed’ the Vice-President and I are very clearly saying, “shave your back.” Not unlike arthmetic, shaving should be balanced - do it to one half and the other or not at all.

Mark’s malfeasance comes into play by saying, “can you imagine seeing [insert our administrator’s names] out on the street corner in their underpants?” This morphed the scantly clad college students into our administrators – one of whom is shaped like Homer Simpson. All I could see was that man in Dallas Cowboys underpants and matching neck-tie next to our Principal, equally inappropriate in her negligee.

Now back to our regularly scheduled cynicism…

The Rocky Horror Picture Show retinue served as gatekeepers to the larger event. There was a Zombie wedding to be attended, an anti-Bush protest to be argued with as well as the fruit of artistic people’s labors.

Of course, I could not resist arguing with the anti-Bush people. I had it in mind to buy an Obama button so that I would blend in with the crowd. I have lived my life with the belief that I had a sign on my forehead discernable to the leftist eye that said “Republican.” Not so! I learned that leftists* can smell the conservatism on me; I have learned to conversely sniff out the leftists. The anti-Bush people are, apparently, not only boycotting the President and clambering for his removal but also punctuating their point with being pungent – in short they are not using deodorant.

I got into it with one of them when I was getting my Obama button. I have lost considerably street cred due to my time working for Senator Lieberman, for whom I have enormous respect. When I was asked by a non-Obama activist if I wanted an impeach Bush sticker I informed him that the last thing I wanted to do was impeach the President. As Pelosi Iscariot has pointed out, the 2004 election closed that discussion, and if we impeach the President then we install Dick Cheney – formally – as chief executive. It is no secret that Dick Cheney was chosen as our ‘number two’ in government and there was never a person more adept at being a number two**. He is our insurance policy that no one will impeach, assassinate or otherwise remove President Bush. Also, I give no credence to people who do not clean and groom themselves. Call me whatever you want but if you smell bad you are going to have to do it out of my earshot.

Additionally, while I was not impressed by the quantity or quality of the artwork – a city as left leaning and sizable as Phoenix should rock my art world – I am appalled that I bought something. I was tricked, cowed into buying an ugly coin purse of questionable craftsmanship for none other than Chaos Bean because purportedly the money was going to be used to buy library books for poor children in Belize.

I’m willing to bet money, because I clearly have no problem wasting it on crap, that the artisans in question paired a noble cause with an obscure country so I would part with a few dollars and they could part with their garbage. I would take a picture of it for you but I am far too lazy for that right now and a picture would ruin Chaos Bean’s Christmas surprise. I will defer that disappointment for a time when it could introduce an explosive and unnecessary conflict into our yuletide gayety***. At the next First Friday I am going to sell something, probably t-shirts that say “Pelosi Iscariot” for a bargain basement price claiming the money is going to help rich children in Moon Valley or Scottsdale.

Later in the evening I had too much to drink (one beer) and found myself being used as a beast of burden for a second grade teacher who decided to wear a ‘cute’ pair of shoes to stomp around the perpetually ‘under construction’ downtown area. I thank her for not wearing spurs, as Chaos Bean would suggest. After I delivered the young lady to her destination – Casey’s Vampire Bar – I walked home to my apartment and took a shower.

Ann Coulter might be wrong in stating that if Democrats were smart they’d be Republican but I submit that if Democrats at least used deodorant and showered regularly they’d be confused for Republicans.

*It is the position of this government to call them ‘leftist’ and not to call them ‘liberal’ because that would imply open-mindedness and we all know that this is not the case.
**Yes, I am making a literary allusion to poop. Spend this much time with Seventh graders and you become skilled at making poop jokes, too.
***By ‘gayety’ I definitely mean to use the post-contemporary meaning and predict that our holidays will descend into a stupid, immature morass**** of hostility
****I definitely meant to add ‘morass’ pronounced ‘more ass’ into a comment showing my maturity– or lack thereof – in a footnote of a footnote that uses the word 'gay' in an offensive manner, which I am sure is a grievous error in grammar and usage but only Dr. Ashby has the chops to curtail my chutzpah and she is too ashamed to read this.

Comments

[Margaret]

But I am a liberal liberal, and wear deodorant, plus I smell VERY nice with my Light Blue perfume. So there! It sounds like you had a great time seeing(and smelling?) all the sights!