The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Its parent-teacher conference time again, and as you know that’s my favorite time of the year. It’s a time teeming with comedic moments and abundant examples of why I should be stopped. That is, until this year.

I look forward to this time more than my birthday or Christmas. This is a time when people from all over Phoenix line up to tell me how wonderful I am; I hear how their kids think I’m the funniest, smartest teacher ever. To entertain me there is a white trash parade across our gymnasium, a mullet contest and command performance domestic disputes. If I am really lucky a deranged parent tries to kill me, or at least takes a swing at me.

The best part of this magical night is that it happens in the gymnasium so everyone gets to watch. We are lined up in there like cattle before an auction; I don’t know who assigns seating or what they smoke but I’m usually surrounded by people I enjoy clowning with or at and spent a goodly portion of my evening shouting at other teachers like trash while conferencing with parents.

This is also the time, after nine weeks of having a student, that people decided to tell us that the problems we’ve been contacting home about all year and badgering the special education department for help with have been with the student since Kindergarten or before.

This year I was disappointed.

All of our parents had all of their teeth, minimal body piercing, no visible tattoos and not one person tried to light up a cigarette or spat tobacco into a paper cup. No one took a swing at a kid, spouse or me; no one even argued with a family member or me. My principal didn’t have to break anything up. I am not knocking on wood; we have another night of this to come.

I should not have had a busy night, either – but I did. I blame the teacher for the gifted students because she had a line out the door and I entertained the parents we have in common while they waited for an audience with her. No one came to see me but they were content to wait it out with me while I spun my wheels finding something to say to them about their kid.

I saw the parents of thirty students and out of that bunch only three needed to speak to me. Beyond those three parents I spent my evening telling the parents funny stories about their kids or showing them pictures of things from we’ve done, or Ashley’s baby – who bears an uncanny resemblance to one of our students. Sure, some of the stories might not be what a professional educator would share but the kids all tell their parents I’m hilarious so I felt obligated to be entertaining. You know, “Dance, monkey, dance!”

I did walk away from the evening with a few lessons learned and advice for parents:

Don’t apologize for your child’s behavior. You worked hard to raise the little monster like that; don’t feign embarrassment for my sake. Besides, if I was any good at my job I would be able to rein the little troll in myself; I can’t decide if I am being lazy or if I would feel bad if I undid your hard work but I can’t bring myself to do it. A great deal of teaching resembles herding cats and that would explain my wearing cowboy boots to school.

Do pretend to know what I am talking about when I refer to things you’ve read, signed and returned. Someone who has been the victim of litigious people as many times as I have knows that the most important letters in the English Alphabet are “CYA.” If there is something important going on in class or if your child is doing poorly I will let you know in writing and expect you to return that writing to me signed. Most teachers do this as a part of our effort to contribute to global warming by felling as many trees as possible coupled with our amazing ability to spew hot air for six to eight hours daily.

Don’t tell me that your child has a crush on me, especially if they are with you. Even an ogre like me leaves a trail of broken adolescent hearts at the end of a school year. I am not ignorant to the fact that some of the children with impaired vision and olfactory senses develop a crush over the course of the year but I like to be ignorant of the specific individuals who have poor taste in history teachers. This just makes the rest of their time at school awkward for everyone. Besides, I am from Kentucky and we're not cousins so this relationship would never go anywhere meaningful.

Do dress for the occasion. I understand that many parents come to us from work or stop by on their way there but this is a junior high school, not a bar. Sure, people imbibe on campus and tawdry things happen in restrooms but this is not Avalon, baby and you’re no longer enrolled in eighth grade. Wipe the glitter off your breasts and tuck them into your sweater. And, dad, we all like the ‘wings’ at Hooters but perhaps a today is the day to wear the special Harley Davidson shirt you save for funerals, weddings and church. If you want your Hooters t-shirt signed by the teachers who work there the decent, socially acceptable thing to do would be to follow us to happy hour and have it signed there.

Don’t tell us that you are going to beat your child when you get home. There are many, many things wrong with this. We have to tell Child Protective Services; even those of us who support corporal punishment would tell you it is probably too late for it to work once your child is old enough to understand the sound out of your mouth has meaning. Further, it either validates the low opinion you’ve cultivated over a quarter of ignored phone calls and notes home and corroborated by your protestations of ignorance as to correspondence home with your signature on it while attired like a personification of a Jeff Foxworthy sketch. Also, if I can’t hit them, why should you get to?

Do make false pledges about how you’ll help your student. Tell us that you’ll check their backpack, get them a binder to stay organized and help with homework. Tell us you’ll stay on top of projects, behavior, and support the PTA. We know you’re lying but it’s only the Christian thing to do to patronize us with your good intentions. A lot of school is going through hoops and there is no good reason that it should be different for you now that you’re a parent.

There are many, many other ways to help your child and get the most out of parent-teacher conferences. These are just my humble suggestions, which I hope you take to heart.

Comments

[Alex V]

Well, your writing skills are certainly top-notch even if your students' aren't.
I hope you are having a Happy Halloween, Sprite!

[lisele]

*snort*
"Also, if I can’t hit them, why should you get to?"
*snort*

You have said many funny things in your blog, and this is right up there. Also, the breast thing. I had a couple of moms come to see me with those babies falling out too. WTF?