My friend’s son had an assignment for school where he has to refute the arguments his parents have for him not being able to do something he would like to do. To do this assignment my friend has to come up with these reasons and email them to the teacher. Apparently, “I am your mother,” is not final enough for kids these days and it is certainly not enough for the teachers of the gifted.
My friend’s son wants to bring his unicycle on vacation with them and we were helping her come up with some arguments to use – since, “I’m your mother,” doesn’t work. We had some practical ones such as, “strapping the unicycle to the camper-van will create drag on the vehicle and hinder our fuel economy,” and, “what is someone steals your unicycle?” or “what happens if you get hurt and they don’t take our insurance at St. Boondocks Hospital?”
This all makes for good academics but the serious issue of the day and this argument goes unsaid, so I will say it and I will even write it for her as if it were me talking to my own children – who do not exist as a testament to God’s loving grace for all humanity:
Dear Seamus,I know you had your heart set on bringing your unicycle on vacation this summer but there are several reasons that this will not happen. First and foremost, I am your father and I say, “no,” but since you are my son simple patriarchy won’t work on you so I will have to resort to cold, hard facts.
Sure, the unicycle will be a fun thing to ride around on after being in the camper van all day but the camper van will have six people in it and there just isn’t enough space in the camper van for it. Strapping it to the exterior opens it up to possible theft, vandalism, and road hazards but if none of that happens we at least know it will create drag on an already fuel-inefficient vehicle. Then we have to consider the implications of its loss or theft, what happens if you are injured outside of our insurance coverage area and that this is a family vacation designed for us to spend time together. Unicycles are built for one and not really a ‘togetherness’ activity.
The other thing to consider, Seamus, is that if we bring your unicycle then we have to let Kirsten bring her fire-batons and if Kirsten has her fire batons and you have your unicycle we’re at a loss as to why Isaac can’t bring his stilts. The three of you will have fun in the evening after a long day in the camper van and at night you’ll be good and tired out to sleep until the next day’s drive or activities – or so you think.
People will see you on your unicycle – strange enough on its own – and Kristen juggling fire and Isaac on stilts. What are people going to think? Will they think we’re eccentric, fun-loving people with unique hobbies? In a perfect world they would but we do not live in a perfect world and very different things would happen. People will see you and think, “Carney Folk,” and then it is all over for us.At night while we’re sleeping; dreaming of barreling down the road at speeds exceeding the breaks and maneuverability of the van burning Iraq gas all the while on way to another national park or camp ground the villagers will gather. The villagers will gather with pitchforks and torches, scythes and truncheons – they will gather and then march out to our campsite and if we are lucky they will chase us out of town but if we are not – and again we are not lucky people – they will decide to purge the world of one more family of traveling freaks.
They're protecting their daughters from the wiles of strapping young lads like yourself -full of vigor and tales of adventure and their sons from the lure of the open road and traveling freakdom. They're protecting themselves from their wives getting the idea that being overweight and bearded in a commodity to be exploited or somehow attractive. Seamus, always be wary of stupid people in large groups - especially when those stupid people are voting, in an eating contest or angry at our family.
So you see, as much as you love the unicycle and as much as I love to see you physically active and happy I cannot let you bring the unicycle along. Even if we had the space, gas didn’t cost more than medical care or a trip in the space shuttle or we could all enjoy it together I have to say no. I cannot fight off a mob of angry village folk and neither can you. If I were younger or you were stronger or we lived in an open and affirming world this might be a different story, but we live in the real world where I am old, you’re scrawny and people are afraid of the unknown.
The unicycle stays home. I’m your father. I said so.
Love,
Dad
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