I’m looking for a new job because I am moving back to where my parents live. I keep having nightmares where my parents introduce me at church as their ‘failure to launch,’ while I would characterize myself as a ‘failure to nest,’ the idea of joblessness is leading to sleeplessness and tortured sleep. This was satiated by being finally certified in the Commonwealth and almost immediately getting appointments for interviews. I even received a job offer – which I turned down despite me job-related anxiety.
I am not claiming to be perfect but if I were writing to someone to be an English teacher at my school I would probably spell check the query email and have a peer proof read my work before making that crucial first impression. I also wouldn’t construct the e-mail in the form of a text message. I realize that I am BFF with the English teacher on my team and we TXT back and forth all the time, LOL and ROTFL sometimes ICFBTS and more OMG than I would like to admit but I know her and neither of us is interviewing the other for a job. I feel like responding with AYFKM? SRSLY? STFU. SRSLY? NFW! YFSMT? WTFIWWY? SRSLY? NFWAIWFYDA. TTFNMF. If you’re having trouble parsing that I am using Revised Modern New Jersey Text Messaging. I’m a mess, I shouldn’t judge.
Today, Michelle came to my classroom to help with a lesson – one of my favorite lessons. In this lesson the students write ‘functional text,’ which answers the question of ‘how are going to use this,’ because functional text (written directions) is the text most encountered in life. I expect this question when I am teaching History or Science but when I am teaching a core, skill based class like reading, writing, or math I am always shocked to get that question. I use this lesson to bring it home to the kids because no matter what you are doing in life you will be reading instructions and if you move up the heap you will be writing them as well. My lesson is pretty simple – so you can see the beauty in the comedy of it – the students write instructions on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for someone who has never done this before.
I had one good set of directions, a couple of mediocre ones and some truly terrible sets of instructions. After having written the instructions and submitting them for peer review the students were visited by Michelle’s class who used their directions to make the authors a sandwich.

A student who has obviously been in my kitchen trying to make a sandwich wrote my favorite. His instructions included sage advice like, “check the expiration date,” and, “if there are no clean knives using your finger is acceptable.” The girls in class – who are too few in number – all included ‘clean up your mess,’ and, ‘do not mix the peanut butter and jelly.’ This betrayed the fact that they had switched papers (as instructed) because they included the information.
Many of the boy’s instructions went along the lines of, ‘take two piece of bread, put the peanut butter and jelly on the bread, eat it.” The math students making their sandwiches dutifully took two pieces of bread, slammed the jars of peanut butter and jelly on top of them, and presented them to the boys to eat.
I should have been embarrassed but this is part of the learning process. They can rewrite their papers for increased credit. Writing requires constant revision; life is like writing because you are constantly revisiting, revising, and trying again. It was very brave of me to have Michelle into my class while my students were bearing the fruits of their labor and it was brave of Michelle to eat one of the sandwiches. I will eat anything.
So, what is the proper way to make a peanut butter sandwich? We use a very simple method:
1. Have your students ready by the door at least five minutes prior to the bell so you can get out to the parking lot quickly. Shoo them out the door as soon as the bell wrings. If you are me then you treat them as if they are the paratroopers of the 82nd Airborne Division – we check, double check backpack readiness and I scream, “go, go, go!” as they leave the room.
2. As soon as the students clear the classroom, lock the door, and rush to the parking lot where Ashley has left the urban assault vehicle (UAV). Pregnant teachers sit in front, math teachers and men in the backseat. Buckle your seatbelt.
3. If it is not Ashley’s week to teach then you need to make sure that you have a driver picked before lunch and that they hit the curb on the way out of the parking lot, in the Wendy’s parking lot, and that you do not get behind any old ladies. You must be very careful because if something happens to Valerie, her children will be eaten by wolves or sold to gypsies.
4. Enter the Wendy’s drive through. Everyone should know what they want before you get to Wendy’s – this is important because we only have thirty minutes to do all this and eat and they will get the order wrong. McDonald’s is too far away and Taco Bell is slow.
5. Argue over who is paying or alternately how lunch will be paid for, this should be resolved before we get to the window where the scary toothless woman is waiting.
6. Have Valerie check the order because the driver cannot and Christopher will only start to eat your fries, he can’t get passed that part.
7. Return to school, avoid speed traps, and, yeah – that u-turn was totally illegal.
8. Valerie carries the drinks, Ashley carries the food, Christopher is a klutz and cannot carry anything as he will drop it.
9. Go to the bathroom.
10. Gossip, you won’t see other adults for hours.
11. Take you food back to your classroom because it’s fifth period and you have to teach.
12. Eat in front of the kids.
Other cautions:
1. Train new teachers on this BEFORE students arrive. Cindy was almost left behind too many times because she didn’t have the students out the door fast enough.
2. Do not take orders! They don’t pay you back and they slow us down.
3. Student teachers are not officially there to pick up lunch for us so we can sit down and eat like humans. Student teachers are interested in good evaluations and job recommendations. They'll fetch food if they know what's good for them.
4. If you get pulled over it will happen in view of students on the pasture. They will take your picture. You will be on MySpace before say, “norms.”



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