Caustically Optimistic

Hiatus

I will be back on November 5, 2008. I have pursued and accepted an internship that will require my attention and prohibit me from writing until the first Wednesday in November. My mentor assures me that this is the correct course of action. As I have sworn fealty to her, and not you, I will have to give this up temporarily. I will return, I love writing and expressing my Freedom of Speech but I may have to suspend it to preserve it.

I will return, more powerful than ever – either having been vindicated or crushed by the course of human events. I will be back to gloat or to grind an axe, potentially both. Jen Hill, Pillar of Seward Society noted that if you don’t participate you cannot complain and I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I love to complain.

I’m my absence please note that I am not abdicating the responsibilities you gave me when you elected me President of the Internets. Kipp remains Vice-President of the Internets, and was smoking-hot and in Tina Fey glasses before Sarah Palin or Tina Fey. I will beat this dead horse eternally but shouldn’t need to: Kipp was chosen for her brains and blogging acumen; the beauty and glasses are the icing on the cake. They are Kipp Glasses, not Tina Fey glasses. Tina Fey is on my list of imposters and charlatans along side Rachel Ray.

If you wish to support me in my internship I advise you that I am woefully under-prepared as I have nothing blue from the Gap or a Gap subsidiary, below are some suggestions. I take a jumbo-economy size and when I said, “Gap Subsidiary,” I mean, “Banana Republic,” not, “Old Navy.” I am spending your money, not mine: get me something nice.

Even now my notebook, bestowed upon me by Enzo, is filling up with stories, diatribes, and observations. There will be a blizzard in early November; you will be buried in it. From the time my assistant coach told me how the body makes urine and the customer who didn’t want to talk about his car but peeing to the McDonald’s Drive-Through Attendant who wanted to know if my order was here or to go, from the perils of probation to the triumphs of hypocrisy, it will come and it will come here.

For now, do what Kipp says and buy me things from Banana Republic. Remember: jumbo-economy sized, intern blue, and argyle is preferred.

Also, a full head of hair like that guy will not be turned away.

a gallon in the tank is worth two in the nose

The post previous is an attempt at humor, if you’re going to read it please read it knowing that I was being humorous when writing it and am not really interested in anyone’s ideas about current events. I make fun of everyone, people only notice when I make fun of them. Please read this post and pretend the one before it never happened.

One of my favorite activities in the world is sleeping in a moving vehicle. I think my favorite part of a plane trip is falling asleep when the white noise of the engine. When the engine starts up, I shut down. It’s beautiful. If someone else is driving the car I love to take that opportunity to nap. Last night I had a conversation at a friend’s house about just this topic and had only filed it away in my brain for a story later because beyond saying, “I like to fall asleep if I am not operating the vehicle,” is pretty boring or at least really short. I almost considered blogging the fact that (a) I had friends (b) I left the house and (c) I spoke to humans face-to-face without trying to sell them a car or a Senator. I am a troglodyte is a horrible theme for a blog.

Today, however, we had our corporate meeting and our dealership carpooled to the meeting. On the way over I was coached on how the meetings go and what important parts to pay attention for: specifically to get there before the guy who eats all the donuts. I did not get my nap on the way to the meeting and was then careful to stand up during the meeting so that I would stay awake for the whole thing. Luckily, we were there in time to get donuts; unluckily I was singled out during the meeting which made me reconsider ever going to a meeting again – at least I thought this was my bad luck. I always have something trivial happen during the day and habitually make the mistake of saying, “I hope this is the worst thing that happens all day.” It was not.

On the way back to our dealership I did get my nap in. The person sitting next to me then made it his business to try and wake me up. He seemed a little irritated that he had to sit in the back seat – as if we had been folded into a Volkswagen Rabbit and not a luxury sedan - and I guess he needed someone to take it out on or perhaps the fact that I was behaving like a toddler was worthy of scorn. Truly, either excuse works for me but his attempts to wake me were short lived. I soon drifted back to sleep. It’s fifteen or twenty minutes between our dealerships and I was going to get my sleep in.

However, what woke me up was as a bad smell. I have never, ever been woken by a smell before in my life. My brain quickly cycled through all the things that could create such a smell, all of them were catastrophic considering we were in a car barreling down the interstate and I had never smelled anything like this before.

I can sleep through a great deal. I slept through my co-worker’s attempts to wake me; I’ve slept through earthquakes, house fires, tornados, and most of college. I could not even try to sleep through this; it was terrible. Not only was it terrible, it had issued forth from a HUMAN BEING. This person was also at the time operating the vehicle and found it imperative to lock the windows. He unlocked them just in time to prevent me from throwing myself from the car and onto the interstate.

Indeed I miss Valerie, because Valerie does not fart. Yes, yes: Valerie would have let me sleep (like you could with Ashley driving) and Valerie would have (in the event of farting) not locked the windows, but most of all: Valerie does not fart.

The lesson I learned today was: always volunteer to drive; gas in the tank is less expensive than gas in the nose.

How can you have any pudding?

I am volunteering for Barack Obama, and while I don’t want to talk about politics on this page and prefer to promulgate my politics here, I have to share this story because I think it is important to retell.

I do very, VERY important jobs for our local campaign – most notable is to retrieve food for the other workers at local restaurants and bring it back. Don’t worry; everyone pays for his or her own food so as not to run afoul of any election laws concerning donations. God1 forbid a pizza push me, or anyone else over their donation limit2 . On the occasion of Senator Joe Biden coming to our fair city I was tasked to get a very fancy lunch from The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Panara Bread3.

One of the workers with the campaign is from Texas and Texans eat meat4. Vegans, vegetarians, and several other forms of herbivores populate the Obama campaign. Omnivores and carnivores are few and far between5. The Texan asked a very, very important question he had about The People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Panara Bread was, “do they have food for people who eat meat?”

For a second I thought he was joking and then I noticed one of the other workers outside on the green eating leaves right off a tree, like a giraffe and I realized, “they haven’t fed this poor Texan meat for a while. He probably hasn’t even had potatoes6!” I felt very sorry for him when I heard this because I love meat and I eat it all the time. I dream about tasty cheeseburgers and the website that features kittens eating and pining over cheeseburgers is the best thing on the Internet7. I cannot imagine the pain this kid has been in not eating meat, and perhaps eating the leaves from the trees.

I assured him that they did have meat and it would find its way onto his sandwich. I am sure there are people who have good arguments about not eating meat because it’s cruel to eat animals, but its not like they’re alive when we eat them and the animals cooked alive are few and far between. I’m pretty sure God made animals delicious so we would eat them8. To wit: how can you have any pudding when you haven't eaten your meat?

When I got to the People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Panara Bread9 I insisted that they not only put meat on his sandwich but to put a ridiculous amount of meat10 on his sandwich. He got a turkey and roast beef sandwich; I am hoping he slipped either the turkey or roast beef off the sandwich and saved it for later in case the meat drought continued further.

If you see one of these intrepid supporters of Senator Obama and Senator Biden, please offer them some meat to eat. Whether you offer them a country ham or just a tasty cheeseburger, even if you want to give them some bacon bits for their cereal, your help will be greatly appreciated11. Even McCain/Palin supports can show compassion in offering something to their poor souls working toward something they feel passionate about . Even a ham and cheese sandwich shows that you care and for mere cents a day you can keep a Texan from wasting away.

1. In the spirit of Multiculturalism, use whatever demon you’re worshiping if its not God, and I really think you should reconsider worshiping that demon and start worshiping God because demons are fun for a little but they’re really nasty boogers if you get on with them too long. Really, think about it but with respect to multiculturalism feel free to think, "The demon I worship forbid.”
2. You know as well as I do that there are people with nothing better to do than to count the beans of people they do not like, on both sides. Really, if you’re that misemployed go outside and pick up some litter. What is wrong with you?
3. I refer to the restaurant as the People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Panara Bread because, in my experience with Communism, the people who work there are as aloof, inept, rude, and most importantly as slow as people in communist countries.
4. Texans eat a great deal of meat, they eat meat with every meal – indeed it is a law in Texas just like everyone owning a gun and everyone owning at least two guns after turning sixteen. Texans will put bacon bits in their cereal if they run out of Hamburglar Cereal and need to eat a meat-free cereal like Cocoa Puffs. When I last visited Texas I went out for hotdogs and they had to put chili on them to ensure they had enough meat.
5. As a practical joke, herbivores working for Democratic campaigns have been known to try and pass off veggie burgers and tofu shaped as meat to unsuspecting omnivores.
6. It is a well-known fact in parts of the country on the West Bank of the Delaware River that meat should always be accompanied by potatoes – it matters not how the potatoes are cooked as long as they are, although it is usually preferred that the potatoes are fried or accompanied by butter or a fat-rich gravy. As an example: the health benefit in baking a potato as opposed to frying it in the French-style should be offset by sour-cream, butter, and cheese in a combination pleasing to the person eating it.
7. The only except to dreaming about cheeseburgers is dreaming about Oreo cookies. I dream about Oreos cookies when I am on Dr. Atkin’s Diet and cannot have Oreo cookies. The dream is pretty stock: I am in Target chasing my Vice-President who has the low-carb Oreos (don’t get excited low-carb Oreos do not exist), sometimes I am in a Candy-White Volkswagen Rabbit and she is a Saint Andrew’s Mini-Cooper, but always she has my cookies and will not share. Madam Vice-President, you are a heinous bitch – but only in my dreams. While we are on the topic I am going to again register the complaint that I was the one who pioneered the smoking-hot Vice-President in Tina Fey glasses, however MY Vice-President happens to be smart as well as beautiful – thus the basis of her appeal. Beauty fades, Stupid is forever – the apparent theme of the Vice-Presidential debate. Joan Rivers has proven that money cannot buy you beauty. George W. Bush has proven that sending your kids to the best schools and spending a great deal on their education can get them a diploma but not make them intellectual curios, intelligent, or worth a damn.
8. Again, if you do not worship God and believe in Him I ask you, “how did the big bang make Chicken so good?” “What other than intelligent design could have given us cows – who issues forth all the goodness of cheeseburgers? Atheists, I have found your Achilles’ Heal: the cheeseburger. It must be from Jesus, even if cheeseburgers are not kosher and he’s probably never had a cheeseburger. That’s really unfortunate because I cannot say enough good things about cheeseburgers.
9. I really hate that place, its abominable. It is a testament to my dedication to Giselle, and I guess Barack Obama, that I go there at all. I obscenity in the milk of the People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of Panara Bread. I do all that I can for my boss at Obama/Biden: awkwardly tying ties on Dustin because he has somehow been accepted to a Lutheran University not knowing how to do this, editing campaign literature in a very rude and unsolicited manner, and making chocolate-chip cookies. The hardest thing I am asked to do, however, is go to The People's Soviet Socialist Republic of Panara Bread.
10. Moose is not a viable option. No self-respecting person would eat moose, at least not shot from a helicopter. A real barracuda would attack the poor animals from the ground where the moose would have a fighting chance. I just hope they haven’t capped Bullwinkle.
11. They cannot accept donations from lobbyists or political action committees.
12. Again, no one wants to eat moose.

lesson learned #23

The key difference between my old job and my new job is that I have moved from an industry dominated by women (teaching) to one dominated by men (automotive). I can assure you that in all my years working, going to church, having lunch, and socializing with Valerie she never farted, not once. Valerie’s is so clean and pure that I even let her children in my car on several occasions – and like many men my car is the cleanest thing I own. I am surprised that I let myself in it. My new co-workers are inherently decent people but they are guys and it’s a switch to be one of many guys from being the only one – and no one here thinks I am funny. Valerie’s major fault is that she thought I was clever and I decided to run with that – and I still am. The magic of the internets is that I can still entertain Valerie and not get anything out of it for myself.

Yesterday we had training – and its generally assumed that adults are the hardest age group to teach and teachers are the hardest of anyone to teach. I know that having just had the training a few weeks ago that I would be a difficult pupil despite knowing how to behave in a classroom. I wasn’t nearly as bad as I would be during a teacher training – I once so obviously fell asleep in a teacher training that I fell out of my seat and pretended to have a diabetic episode so they would let me leave, they did not.

I followed one of the important rules of teacher meetings that I learned from Valerie that can be applied to any staff training: sit in the sun so that you can rely on emergency solar power (in the manner of a cat). Well, I’m not sure I learned that from Valerie but I am going to claim that as I did not follow her other rules which include (but are not limited to): set your phone to silent but continue to text, bring a chocolate bite-sized candy (enough to share) with a hard candy shell and nut in the middle (the nut makes it organic health food), and finally sit by a friend with whom you can pass notes. I didn’t bring candy because I forgot it and the corporate trainer frowns upon it, I left my phone on because all my friends were asleep or teaching during this time, and I didn’t sit by a friend because…well, I don’t have any at work.

I was a perfect employee before I met Valerie and never misbehaved in these kinds of meetings but I had the worst time yesterday because I kept tuning out during the vignettes thinking about how I used to have a life, friends, etc, when really I had a different job that ate my life but it ate my life differently.

There are also rules that stipulate that I didn’t ever, ever leave campus for lunch and faithfully brought my lunch and ate it with the kids and it was Valerie who made me go to Wendy’s every day and eat with other teachers, causing me to be fat. Another observer may blame Ashley for this malfeasance but Ashley will assert that it is Valerie’s fault. Ashley and I would have eaten something healthy, Valerie made us do it. To this day, when sent to Wendy’s for lunch, I pour a little of my Frosty on the group for my Homies. No one notices litter on Dixie Highway, it helps me fit in.

The person who tolerates me at work suggested that we go to Hooters for lunch – which has the attraction being close to work, inexpensive, and beautiful women wearing next to nothing – or should be but at this one are not. I went because it was nice to pretend that you were a part of the group for thirty minutes but this was a horrible mistake. It wasn’t because of the immorality of going to there but the food made me sick. I spent the rest of the training worried that I would either throw up (which I did) or violently expel the food in other ways (which I did not). I am sure had I done this at my old job where everyone liked me this would not have been a big deal but at a job where you are the person that isn’t good at his job and no one likes you have no business exploding and if you do, you pretty much have to quit to become, “that guy,” or, “that freak,” but no one remembers your name – only your shame.

Sensing that I had some sort of digestive or intestinal distress the trainer went on a bit longer than he needed to and every time I tried to escape (when it became apparent that lunch was rented and would escape through the front door) the trainer started in on a new non sequitur. This may have been magic, The Force, random, or malice but I am going to ascribe it to magic and later burn someone as a witch or heretic.

What I do know is that I got out of there only looking erratic but I knew that if I had this happen as a teacher I would have gotten away with running, screaming from the library waving my arms, and knocking people over. The lesson I do have in my notes from this training is, “The key to success is to not give a damn,” and frankly my dear I shouldn’t have.

At least I didn’t throw up on my clothes but sadly, Valerie missed this whole episode.