seven, an immorality tale

Today at work we were trying to sell a car to a particularly cantankerous woman.  In order to ‘close’ the deal with her my boss said, “you need to sign up; he has seven kids to feed at home.”  The woman wasn’t an idiot and demanded to see (a) pictures of the kids, (b) know their names, and (c) a bit about them.  She thought she had caught us in a lie; it is much harder to catch me in a lie than that. 

In a bit of foreshadowing I noticed earlier that I have pictures of my friend’s kids on my phone and I need to clear that up and send them these pictures.  Luckily, I had not done this so I could produce my children. 

My children in reverse order, and order of appearance in the story are:

1. Mackenzie, actually the daughter of Chad and Ashley, is my youngest.  Her claim to fame is the time that I was interrogated about her age, name, and other vital statistics at Chic-fil-a.  This is a true story made funnier if you’re thinking that I am actually her father. 
2. Connor, actually the son of Chad Ashley, I told them that I think he is trying to kill Mackenzie because she’s a “bad baby,” and he doesn’t like her.  When they were horrified by this I said, “this goes for all my children: if they can survive Connor they can survive life.”  He reminds me of child three and I am afraid that he’ll be just like child three. 
3. Benjamin, actually the son of Jon and Melissa, is noted for vomiting all over my sister, Leah, at Easter.  We named him Benjamin because he is the youngest brother of Joseph from the Bible and we were hoping to stop at five. 
4. Kinley, who we call Alison, is actually the daughter of Doug and Valerie, and besides being the studious one and a talented athlete is the oldest girl.  We call her Alison because the name Kinley offended members of our family.  She has gotten me in the bad habit of calling children one through three, “the Neanderthals.”  I love that Kinley is the boss of her house. 
5. Justin, who was a student of mine, is the twin of child two.  Justin is the one I call the ‘bad twin,’ owing to the fact that while he really is a good child he isn’t as good as his brother and has my bad habit of letting things wander out of his mouth and it conversation.  Justin has actually told me that he was going to kill me in my sleep so I told them that when I put the kids to bed at night he hugs me and says, “I am going to kill you in your sleep.”  I added that a responsible parent would worry. 
6. Nathan, who was in a random yearbook picture on my phone with Justin, is also a former student.  I told them that Nathan was the good twin.  I told them that Nathan was my favorite and while it was inappropriate to have a favorite, he was the one I could depend on to do the right thing, snitch on the other kids, and tell me where the candy was hidden.  He’s the favorite because he gets my jokes, tells me when they aren’t funny, and has a sense of humor of his own.  He also reminds me of his mother – Cindy I totally sold you out as my wife.  Nathan is party to the cruelest thing I've ever done - which is convince (with his help) the student teacher that he had a crush on her.  
7. Seamus is actually my son so I had to throw him under the bus.  My story about Seamus was that he was the oldest and the one I was confident would stop Justin from killing actually killing me because it was the one thing I couldn’t depend on Nathan to do.  Twins are of one mind, one will, and are one force.  You cannot divide and conquer twins.  He prefers to be called Caleb.  My cousin Alison picked the name.   

I also claimed that my sister doesn’t like babysitting the children and says things like, “you wouldn’t miss one if I gave it to someone else,” and I claimed my mother said of Justin, “If I were you I’d start his day off with a spanking to make sure it got off on the right foot.” 

My new boss, who has never complimented me on anything ever and has openly expressed the little value I have in the organization, was impressed.  He had no idea that at the drop of a hat I could bend reality, spin fiction, and follow along with a story.  I have my uses and now I have seven children that I have to take care of.  

Comments

[L'Empress's UD]

That was beautifully done.

Have you thought of a career either as a novelist or a politician? (Probably) You could also host at drag shows.... you've got to be QUICK and ON to do that job...

[Erin]

Impressive. I'll keep you in mind next time I need a good excuse to get out of doin something I don't want to do. You're a legend!

[Trev]

I always say...if you're going to lie, lie big.