if I knew (how to save a life)

I lost some of my best friends because of my work on the Obama campaign.  I realize that they weren’t friends in that event or even best friends but I lost them anyway.  I am not hurt by that turn of events: eventually people show their true colors and I’d prefer that happen sooner rather than later.  I had hoped that during my work on the campaign I would meet people to fill the hole in my life created by the loss of my friends.  

Instead I learned something else about life. 

When you love someone, whether it is fraternal, familial, platonic, or romantic, you carve out a special place in your heart for that person.  No one else can fill it.  People are special in their own way and no one else can take that place. Alternately Whitney Houston tells us, “Once you love somebody, don’t you always love somebody,” and Nate said, “If everyone is special then no one is.” 

I realized this truth last year when I wrote on my white board that, “You are my favorite student.”  Each of my students is a person that I love and care about – in their own way – and while I had students that I loved more than, or favored, more than others I did love them all.  It is what makes me a better teacher than most.  Between the ones I could depend on to help me and the ones I could depend on to laugh at my jokes, and the ones that I could depend on to be delightfully mischievous and need every ounce of my patience I realized that I loved all of them in their own special way.  Renea told me to do this, I wasn’t sure what she was talking about and I knew I couldn’t do it.  Many a time I felt like Luke Skywalker on the side of the pond waiting for Yoda to pull my ship out until I realized that I was failing because I was failing to believe.  Love is the key to success in any pure endeavor. 

I realized this, but didn’t know it, when the debacle happened with my relatives so many years ago.  I realized that I didn’t love them and I was perhaps using them or allowing myself to be used.  I contend that I wasn’t using anyone but for the sake of argument let’s grant that I was.  I also realized that while my sister and I will eventually destroy each other in a titanic clash that will make the 2008 Democratic Primary look like a PTA election I do love her.  It also refined my definition of family, as articulated by my cousin Daniel, “your family are the people that you’re related to that you care about and care about you, and have a relationship with.”  I would expand that to include the people who are at the core of your life.  It is how Valerie and Ashley are important to me and for some reason I am important to them.  It’s why I know I would do anything for Gretchen or Michelle and I know that when I really need them Michelle or Gretchen will save me.  It’s what would drive me to watch Cindy’s mom for the weekend because I know that Cindy would do the same for me.  It's why I wasn't lying when I told that customer I had a lot of children who needed me - and that I need. 

What you need to know about living and loving is this: it is going to hurt.  People will tear themselves out of your heart and leave big, gaping holes that might get smaller over time but will always remain.  The key is learning to move around them and not fall into them.  You can’t fit new people in those holes: only around them.  

I didn't meet the people to plug the holes in my life caused when I started working for Obama but I did meet great people during that time.  Sure, there are a couple people I'm glad I will never see or break bread with again, but there are people I cannot wait to see again.  

Parts of this post were brought out, illuminated, during a conversation with Kristi.  

Comments

[Joanna]

Kat gave a toast at our wedding that went something like this "I always thought family were the people that you were related to, and now I know that family means the people you choose to let into your life. You are all my family now." I like the family I've chosen more than the blood relations to be honest.

[Cosmic]

That was beautiful.

[Margaret]

YOu are a wise and well-spoken man, my friend. Every person(especially teachers) should read this post.