never touched a frying pan

The other night we went for Japanese food.  I am always torn between getting sushi or hibachi.  The people I am with usually get hibachi and it’s fun to watch the chef cook.  However, this time I was conniving and realized that I always have left over food and so does my father: I could get the sushi and have dad’s left over food the next day for lunch.  Our friend Linda was coming too and she would abstain from eating rice so I would not only have food for the next day, I’d eat like a king.  I was free to enjoy sushi and hibachi.

Whoa, getting the subject/verb agreement right in the sentence about Linda and the rice was a bear! 

Normally, Sushi for me is a team sport.  I started eating sushi with my father when we were another family from church who I feared was trying to impose their daughter on me.  The daughter has the bad habit of talking like a baby; apparently there are people turned on by that.  I always thought those people were called pedophiles but I could be wrong.  I rarely am.  Well, she mentioned that she thought sushi was, “icky” so I decided to eat sushi with my father in order to be repulsive.  It worked. 

I also discovered that I liked sushi.  We should have never doubted this.  I would revel in the absurdity of enjoying food that you pay extra to eat uncooked.  Other people I enjoy eating sushi with would be my friend Amber-san – who lost her sushi virginity (sushinity) with me (don’t worry Amber it was circumcised), Emily who does all things adventurous, and of course the teachers and Laura in Phoenix who always made it a competition.  I don't know what you do with your friends but apparently teachers and their friends imbibe.  I am amazed and appalled at how much sushi I am able to eat.

The waitress had trouble with English and I ordered enough sushi for two people.  One of the advantages of eating sushi with friends is getting a variety without paying an arm and a leg.  I didn't get the bill this time but next time I would insist upon it after seeing plate after plate of sushi.  It was good, but next time I may have to call for back up.  Amber-san, be ready! I can put away a lot of sushi but this was ridiculous.  

Of course, wasabi is an important part of eating sushi.  You mix the wasabi paste in soy sauce and then dip your sushi in it.  I have been tricked into, and tricked others into, doing shots of the mixture.  It’s cruel and funny.  Somehow while eating the sushi someone bumped into my air and caused wasabi to get into my nose.

It was the most pain I’ve been in, and I have been hit by a bus and struck by lightening (not at the same time).  Truly, I tell you: I am surprised I haven’t been hit by lightening more often and I don’t believe the person who told me I was struck by lightening but I am not going to let this get in the way of my story.  This was awful pain.  It was agonizing, excrutiating pain.  During the time it was in my nose I hit Linda, who was sitting next to me, writhed about, and offered prayers and supplications to the Lord because I believed Jesus would be coming to take me home.  I also had a thought bubble wherein DeAnn, the embodiment of my conscience, was saying, “Shame on you!  Hirsh!  Hirsh!”  DeAnn will be unhappy to learn that I orchestrated and planned my menu around eating other people’s leftovers.  You can’t eat today’s sushi tomorrow. 

The best part of this story is that my parents, so used to me being an idiot, didn’t even notice.  

Comments

[Alex V]

We can't let you sit at the wasabi-table any more. At least there wasn't any tossing of carving knives in the air.

[Linda]

AKA Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes!

FYI, I think the fact that I don't ingest anything with more than 5 grams of carbohydrates is the reason people invite me to dinner. They know I will order food, eat half and offer all the tasty carbalicious stuff to them.