rules, regulations, and requirements

Everyone has rules they want everyone to follow and rules that they ignore because they think those rules are stupid.  Driving offers us a plethora of examples.  I think that using blinkers is more important than obeying the speed limit.  I don’t think that people aren’t handicapped should park in handicapped parking but the handicapped shouldn’t park in our spaces either.  I jaywalk like it’s my job on Dixie Highway no less but I’d like you to be ticketed when you do it – especially if you’re the [insert feminine hygiene product here] that stairs me down while doing it.  I’m a terrible driver so I’m not going to talk a great deal about how to move a car around.

The area where I am most concerned about rules, regulations, and my hypocritical application thereof would be in the writing, speaking, and presentation of the English language.  The English language follows Jesus, comes before the Republic, and ties my family and students in the order of things that I love with my whole heart.  Studies in the English Language was my favorite class at University and I would have taken Language and Linguistics but there was the small matter of a nervous breakdown and a larger matter of an oppositional/defiant disorder when in a formal learning setting with my debate coach who was the instructor. 

There are words I’d like you to stop using, “a lot,” and “got” are the ones that run to the front of my mind.  There are a multitude of better words to use when you’re describing the state of having heaps of stuff.  When I teach English I teach two lessons early in the year where we go over better methods to express one self than using those two words.  I lose my religion quickly when someone writes “a lot” as one word instead of two.  Consequently motherfucker is one word, not two and I’d rather have that dropped into conversations and formal writing than other words. 

Another rule I am a big fan of serial commas; you call them Oxford/Harvard Commas.  I have permission from Dr. Jewett to use them as well as Chaos Bean.  There are several authorities whom would argue against the use of the serial comma but the last time I was told not Dr. Jewett referred to the rule as “Canadian” which probably meant “normative in Canada” but I took with the pejorative Midwestern, “not quite Minnesotan” meaning of the word.  I like them because they add form and cadence to the visual form of writing chiefly since my writing turns into rants where I rattle off a list of adjectives without warning, credence, or need. 

However, double negatives and ending sentences in prepositions are things that are not Canadian rules but rather Latin.  The prohibition against double negatives comes from a time before time when monks were conforming English to Latin grammar so that we might have grammar at all.  Double negatives add emphasis to words written and spoken and go well with soda crackers, and serial commas.  I add the double negative rule because it one that I don’t follow along with the idea of ending sentences in prepositions being tawdry.  Hemmingway did it, so it does imply that the practice is suspect and probably crude, but the difference between Hemmingway, and you and I would be that Hemmingway moved paper and we’re reliant on other bored nerds surfing the internet begging for attention, validation, and companionship. 

There are a ton of rules that I get wrong and don’t care about.  You have your rules about the English Language that you’d like everyone to adhere to.  I know I am putting myself in jeopardy of my comments being spammed unto death by people who are barely clever inundating it with words like, “a lot” and “got.” 

If you find her: I am looking for a woman who follows these rules without trepidation, and breaks the other rules with abandon.   Also, a woman who knows how to use a semicolon and ‘whom’ correctly is more important to me than anything. 

 

Comments

[Emily]

Alot of times Lauren got these wrong. She never knew how 2 read, write and talk good. Seriously; one time she asked me how to spell "nother" cuz she didn't know that the word is "Another." Whom is she to not know this rule? She isn't never going to be able to write a book or nothing. She is one I will never look up to. I like your blog; because you are a person whom takes English real serious alot.

[Spritopias]

I could have made that comment for you, Emily. I knew as soon as that was written that you'd be the first to jump up on that. The thing I left out was that I hate to year people speak in accents they don't have or use forms of English (British, Australian, Southern) that they didn't grow up with.

Also, y'all is spelled y(ou) + all = y'all.

[Erin Colligan]

I must say that even with a Master's Degree some of that blog was over my head, lol! But still quite fasinating as usual.

[pixeltopia]

I almost achieved spontaneous combustion when the parent of one of my lovely 6th graders told me in a parent conference years ago..."I aint never been done heard of dat fo sho."

[Mary M.]

Oh Christopher, you would adore Shurley English. A lot. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

[Alex V]

Solecisms bug me, too. But there are so many other things that get me angrier, I rarely think about it. The frightening thing is when you can't tell what a person is trying to say to you.

[Colleen]

Love your blog! A LOT!! A LOT!!! (*wink*)
I got the link from Emily and will be stopping by on a normal basis from now on. Thanks!

Colleen