Hello, Kitty

Today I was called in on my day off to deliver a Jetta.  It came in at one ton, one thousand two hundred thirty pounds, white with tan; client and car are resting comfortably.  It was nice to see someone happy about making such an enormous purchase.  It was touch-and-go for a while and I was afraid they weren’t going to make it but if I come in on my day off, you’re leaving in a car.  I had big plans for my day off, all of which were accomplished – sort of – but I would have liked some time off for myself.  

 

One of the things that I wanted to do was to make Rice Crispy Treats.  We didn’t have all the ingredients so it was okay that I had gone into work and not okay that ALDI was closed by the time I left the dealership.  I had to go to the regular grocery and pay full price for food items that will probably be raided by the other salesmen, who are Neanderthals and won’t appreciate good, home-style cooking. 

 The grocery store was pretty interesting because I was in line behind a woman talking to the cashier about her tattoos.  The cashier was loudly complaining that someone had told her that she had too many tattoos.  I usually avoid this cashier because I used to work at this store and while I didn’t work with her, she annoys me.  I am annoyed because I’d never have been allowed to wear a headband, sunglasses, or have exposed tattoos.  This evening I had no choice

 As I drew closer, following my groceries down the belt, I was able to scrutinize her tattoos better.  She certainly thought she was a badass.  More metal in her face than de la Tour Eiffel and more ink than a Batman comic book.  These weren’t even good or nice tattoos.  They all had the appearance and quality of prison tattoos, and by ‘prison’ I may have meant ‘juvenile detention.’  I didn’t know if I should laugh at this person or send them to the nurse to have the Sharpie tattoos taken off.

 Valerie and I can tell how much learning went on in your classroom by the quality of the Sharpie tattoos coming into our rooms.  It’s one of the many free services we provide.  I love it when my boss tells me, “I don’t pay you to be a smart ass,” and I reply, “I throw that in for free.”

 When that tattooed cashier mentioned, when I was closer, that she was tired of hearing she had too many tattoos I threw in that I didn’t think she had enough.  I think she needed to add more tattoos so that she was expressing herself more clearly.  She didn’t have her arms completely covered in other people’s ideas, symbols, and art.  She was running her hand – the one with evil tattooed on the knuckles – through her hair when I noticed her most important tattoo.  You might think it would be the symbol of her favorite band or the band’s lyrics, or something that might even be significant to someone beside an outsized twelve-year-old like a cross or a heart with “mom” written in it. 

 It was Hello Kitty. 

Not just Hello Kitty, but Hello Kitty that looked like it came from a coloring book filled in by someone with cataracts in the dark.  She went from a wannabe badass to Super Chump in seconds.  It was beautiful and pitiable all at once. 

 Hello Kitty.  Seriously?  I about went Guano Crazy on her.   

 I was on a secret mission, under Emily’s orders,  to get another box of Cheez-its.  We need enough Star Trek uniforms so we can blend in and form an “away team” to make fun of the “renaissance faire” this summer so perhaps I shouldn’t judge.  Perhaps, but there is a huge difference between a t-shirt and permanently altering your body to profess your love of the Insane Clown Posse.  For the record, I have to be Sulu because I’m part Japanese and very jealous of Erin from University who will get to say things like, “Damn it, Emily, I’m a doctor not a zoologist!  I have no idea who she’s kissing!”  At the end of the day we’ll fold up the shirts and store them next to our Quiddich jerseys because while one can have too many tattoos you can never have enough mockery, snark, or t-shirts. 

 

 

Comments

[Erin Colligan]

I am now on a mission to get a hello kitty tattoo, but hopefully much better quality than the one mentioned here, lol.

[Colleen]

Hello Kitty...horrid tattoo. My stepsisters have tattoos of what I like to call "Porno fairy"...a fairy getting very intimate with some sort of flowery branch. Yikes.