be prepared

I was a Boy Scout a long time ago and I think that the Boy Scouts are a good organization for people who have fewer friends than I do and enjoy being eaten by bugs.  I learned a great deal in the Boy Scouts and about ninety-five percent of what I learned can be categorized in “information I will never need,” and, “things I learned from my father.  The other five percent of things I learned are what makes me such a neurotic mess today.  I try to blame my parents like any decent Christian, but it ends up being the fault of the Boy Scouts. 

One of the neurotic little habits I picked up was the need, or attempt, to be prepared for every eventuality imaginable.  This has caused me to the object of scorn and taunting people who have traveled with me before – most notably the things I toted all over Rome the time we went while at University.  James and I – another Boy Scout - made everyone get anoraks that folded up into tiny pouches, and carried around an Italian phrase book, deck of cards, baby wipes, and a first aid kit.  Kristy had a good laugh at this, and refused to get an anorak, this was all very comical, until it rained on and off the entire time we were there, and we wore the anoraks every day and had to use the first aid kit, baby wipes, and deck of cards on Kristy.   James lent her his anorak because he is a scholar and a gentleman.  Despite this preparedness, we left one of our suitcases in the van in Nebraska. 

On Saturday night I was to go to see Mac Beth with a group from church that I like to call, “random members of my family and Linda.”  I had to go there from work so I packed a small bag of clothes to change into before the play.  The play was going to be in Central Park, Louisville, which has all of the seediness and none of the charm of Central Park in Manhattan.  I needed some shorts and a lighter shirt than I wear to work, not to mention appropriate shoes for being in a bad neighborhood.  In an example of history repeating itself: I left all of this at home.

Now, I am sure you are sniggering at my preparedness: he packed a bag and left it at home.  I would like to draw your attention to always having a Plan B and a Plan C.  My backup plan includes always having something at Target that I like, and am going to get eventually, picked out and on sale.  This is always available to me in case I need something appropriate to wear at the last minute.  This always works out so I left work on Saturday night and headed to Target where my plan came to fruition.  I will grant that at this point Plan A seems a lot better and economically more sensible.

On the way to the dressing room I realized that I had to use the restroom.  I hate using public restrooms but there was no way I’d last through Mac Beth and be able to use the restroom at home.  I dropped what I wanted off at the dressing rooms and went to the bathrooms and was glad that I was going to be in there alone.  I think that using a public restroom is a tawdry and unhygienic; I would hate to have been seen doing it. 

Being seen doing it wasn’t going to be an issue, it was perhaps the most foul smelling thing I have ever done.  I normally wouldn’t share this information with anyone but the comedy ensues when I had to use all the toilet paper and then discover I picked the toilet that didn’t flush.  I am guessing that if I were a regular patron of public restrooms I’d have known some sort of sign that I had picked the defective toilet.  Instead, I had to fill the broken toilet with the most noxious thing to come out of anyone’s body ever. 

I’d feel bad for the person who found it and had to rectify that situation, because it was truly gruesome.  I do not feel bad because I pay a great deal of money in taxes so that we can provide every child in the Republic with a free education and it isn’t my fault they didn’t take full advantage of that.  You can lead a horse to water, you can hold their head under it, but you cannot make them drink. While I am heartily embarrassed of my actions I feel no remorse for the poor soul who had to clean it up. 

While this plan wasn’t economically preferable to the first plan I am lucky that I used the bathroom because that would have been much worse in Central Park.  I can’t imagine, if they have a bathroom, that it would have been much better.  I’d rather blow up a Target’s bathroom and leave than do that in Central Park and have to sit through the rest of Mac Beth with everyone knowing – at least in my neurotic head – what I had done.  

Comments

[Ruth Fister]

I hate alimentary details. I have now passed a judgment, just glad I didn't have to observe. I wasn't in the scouts but I do have kits, LL Bean hand cranking radio, ancient bug bit kits, and various old sticky band-aides that leave more goo than the original injury! Strive on, Chris. You'll grow up to be like me. Ruth Fister
As a side note, I have so much useful stuff that the new car I bought in October has yet to in my garage!