King's Island

Last week, for Jason’s birthday, we went to King’s Island.  I could regale you with stories about the amusement park but you’ve been to one and know the drill.  We stood in lines, we rode rides, we observed teens dressed all in black shameless licking each other in line, we ate food that cost too much, came perilously close to dehydration and sunburn, and had a very good time.

I felt old, not because we were there to celebrate someone being thirty but because after one ride I was too sore to want to any more like it.  I’d have been happier if I had hung upside down in the sun for three hours waiting to be rescued by a volunteer fire crew.  I just read an awful book by Frank Peretti about big foot and creationism or science being dumb, and while I’d like the hours I spent reading that book back the ride was not unlike the description of how big foot killed people 

I didn’t know the book was about Big Foot.  I am ashamed to have read it. 

This trip was also notable for the fact that things went so well, at least as far as I know.  I may no longer be their friend.  No one got sun burnt, dehydrated, or shanked.  It’s very hard to be seen in public with me because I am embarrassing.  I have no social skills.  A kind person once submitted the idea that I may be slightly autistic but the truth of the matter is that I am an asshole.  I would be ashamed to know me. 

A case in point would be when we ran into my greatest fear in the park: an albino.  It makes no sense and is probably bigotry at it’s worst but I am afraid of albinos and I avoid them at all cost.  I should be ashamed but I sell cars: I have no shame.  Most people who hear this point to the statistical chances of encountering an albino in the wild but I defy statistics; they show up on all my vacations.  I probably had a bad experience with a 7UP as a child or something.  I am also afraid of riding in elevators and peanut butter.  If I ever encounter an albino holding a jar of peanut butter in an elevator I will probably soil myself. 

I think my favorite part of going to the park is that my sister bullies people to get on rides.  Not people she is with, but gorgons on their youth group outing or if we’re lucky macho dudes impressing ‘their women.’  She emasculates them or herds them on to the ride using peer pressure – but don’t try to get her on a Ferris Wheel.  I would ride a rollercoaster that does anything or drops from any height, but I won’t get on a Ferris Wheel. 

And all of this?  This is was my summer vacation.  I have hope to have a real job before too long and real vacations, without albinos.  

Comments

[Anastasia]

lol People with albinism are nothing to fear :) Being partially blind, they probably wouldn't even notice you unless you walked up to them for a chat :)

If there really were something to fear, they wouldn't be murdered in Tanzania :(

[Colleen]

You are funny. Just saying.