welcome back, Suburban Island

I am pleased to announce the return of Suburban Island to the Internets.  I have no explanation for her absence but I can explain my own. 

 It started on the Independence Day Weekend.  I went to my friend’s farm to help him bail hay.  Some people who aren’t charter members of the Spritopias Fan Club don’t know this, but I have done a bit of farm work in my life.  My grandparents had a farm in Germany; Chaos Bean and I had been known to work on it from time to time.  I have also been a garbage man and a groundskeeper so it isn’t outside of my experience to heft something and toss it.  It isn’t rocket science.  It is funny to watch my fat, out-of-shape bulk waddle around the farm and try to be useful.  I had to come after work, so I was there long enough to get filthy but not long enough to be useful, strictly speaking. 

 After helping with the bailing I went to the fireworks with Jason, Erin, and their kids.  Erin went to High School with Chaos Bean and I, but now lives nearby on a farm.  Chaos Bean was busy and unable to come to the fireworks, which is a shame because I had learned how to take fireworks pictures but Chaos Bean could have done it well.  This is where I tried, but failed, to ruin my friendship with Jason and Erin.  I took their oldest daughter to get the three kids glow-in-the-dark necklaces – which will probably give them cancer later.  They were a dollar.  For three dollars you could also get a baton that lit up and had tassels.  The girl asked for it and being a moron I not only got it for her, I didn’t get anything analogous for the other girl and the boy.  This caused the other children to be intermittently upset because that was really unkind and stupid on my part and there were a couple squabbles over the baton.  It was entirely my fault, stupid baton. 

 Despite the baton fiasco I was invited, along with the Bean of Bedlam, to their Fourth of July barbeque.  We didn’t realize that we were going to be waking up Jason to intrude upon their family day or we’d have stayed home.  However, no one chases off people bearing beer and ice cream.  This is where I disappeared because Erin’s children repaid me for making fireworks into a fiasco. 

 And, really, someone should have warned Jason: nothing ordinary can happen when I am around.  There will be some disruption to the peace, a fiasco, a debacle, and if you’re luck and hang around long enough an imbroglio.

It wasn’t that their toddler took on the duties of my personal trainer and made me chase her around the house and then would chase me around the house.  It wasn’t that the older daughter made me help her with her math homework (in the summer, AYFKM?).  It was their son.  He is a drug pusher.  He had my play Lego Batman with him on the PlayStation – which is only a gateway drug – and then put me on Mario Kart for the Nintendo Wii.  This is a bigger time suck than inspiring a good Alex Vance photo-shop and then trying to do it yourself.

I spent hours and hours in college playing that stupid game.  People I went to school with, I’m not kidding, decided who their roommate would be by video game system and ownership of Mario Kart for N64 – yes, I am that old.  I met a lot of great people through that game (Christian and Mike, although everywhere Mike and I go, we see the same hoes).  I have had to admit to people that I was only their friend in college to get a Nintendo fix.  I am not proud of that.  I am proud of the fact that for about seven or eight years I was Mario Kart free.  I had broken the habit.  I have stepped away from this post twice to eat and three times to race on the Nintendo.  It hurt their son’s feelings that I didn’t consider him when buying things at the overpriced useless light-up thing booth and he has repaid me for that by exposing me to a drug I cannot say no to.  It’s like giving an alcoholic a glass of whisky or handing out heroin by the methadone clinic or telling a dieting fat kid you’ll meet them at the McDonald’s parking lot.  It’s just wrong.  It’s horrible and un-American and I need to wrap this up so I can go play.  Yes, I have my own now.  

 This is where I’ve been and while it’s been comical to think that Grand Dame of Suburban Island has been rocking out her Mario Kart skills I am entirely positive that it isn’t the case.  I am glad, however, that she has returned unto us.  

Comments

[Erin]

Thank you for spending the 4th with us we all enjoyed having you there. Emma enjoyed the chase and William is always happy to have someone to play video games with. Ella, well....who knows why she wanted to do homework in the middle of summer but at least you were there to help! The light up baton really wasnt that big of a deal. You made her feel special which is important too plus I thought they did pretty good a sharing it ;) But yes it is ok to say no sometimes but it IS hard to say no to a pretty girl! Anyhow, I dont recall you waking Jason up that day but if he was sleeping at 5pm then he needed to be awakened, lol. So I consider this as a positive not a negative. We all agree that you and your sis are welcome back anytime. You guys definately know how to make excellent ice cream sundaes! Talk to you soon.