Fits & Starts, Part Two
I have to apologize, but I hate doing it.
It’s not that I can’t admit that I’m wrong or that I don’t feel like I
should – I want to apologize and have this weight lifted off me. What I want to do is say, “Stan, I’m
sorry[i]
for being a penis[ii],” without
going into detail about the whole episode or disagreement and how I am a
repugnant human being.
I hate this because I want apologies to me to go like this:
Offending Person: I’m sorry.
Me: Okay.
I don’t want you to go into too much detail about what went
on and how much you think I need to know.
I’d like to make my own story up in my head, it’s always less hurtful
than the one you’re going to drop on me.
I am paranoid and I will only add my own epilogue to your tale of sadness. My faith dictates that I forgive you, it is so much easier when I don't know what you've done.
This comes up, not because I have to apologize to someone, but I am going to [obscenity] someone’s [obscenity] the [obscenity] up. I lost my wallet and because I am a man, I am going to pass responsibility on to someone else. I didn’t lose my wallet; someone took it. Someone had to take it. I wouldn’t have misplaced it. NOW I have to go buy a new one and this means entering a long-term relationship.
I liked my old wallet, and apparently someone else did as well, and now I have to find another one that meets my needs and doesn’t cost more than what is carried in it. The DMV replaces your driver’s license, the bank sends you a new debit card, and Triple A doesn’t card you. But your wallet doesn’t replace itself. Also, this wallet was a gift and was intended to be a bit more (um) “grown-up” than my other ones. Apparently, it grew some legs and wandered off.
If I wanted to be in charge I’d have been born a woman, I don’t want to make decisions I want to do what I’m told. Now, I have to go to the store and decide between money clips, bi-folds, tri-folds, and a bunch of other things that evade my understanding and will impact my life until this happens again or Christmas. This is like having a baby only it will take longer but involve less blood to find a new wallet.
[i] Never apologize to Stan: he is always, always wrong. I am using Stan as an example because it is comedic.
[ii] Remember, just because you have one doesn’t necessarily translate into being one.
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