There’s an old joke that I really enjoy that is alternately about growing up down the street from Jesus or growing up as Saint James the lesser (traditionally understood to be Jesus’ brother). The gist of the joke is that it must have been hard growing up near/next to someone who was perfect and didn’t give his mother any trouble, “Why can’t you be more like that Jesus down the street who always does his homework?”
My friend Nici has consumed my thoughts and prayers as of late; it’s why I haven’t been blogging. I don’t want this to become a compendium of my stages of grief. In church this Sunday we sang, Savior, Again to thy Dear Name, and it took me through the entire process all at once. I was pretty angry because in a prior hymn we sang that God always takes care of his faithful servants and all I could think was, “yeah, right.” This hymn, however reminded me of the truth of the matter that if life isn’t easy, then following Christ doesn’t make things any simpler. The lines that hit me follow:
Grant us thy peace upon our homeward way;
with thee began, with thee shall end the day.
From harm and danger keep thy children free,
for dark and light are both alike to thee.
This also reminds me of the joke, that I would realize wasn’t funny if I were a mature adult, because Nici and Matt have been so human but also on perfect pitch about how they’re feeling and their faith perspective. I’m sure to a greater extent than I am; they’re having moments of anger, guilt, and remorse. I almost never feel remorse and I’ve felt it more since Matt summoned us to Texas than I’ve felt it my whole life.
I will always love Nici because of her incredible example of
what it means to be a friend, to love someone, to be a teacher, a Christian, a
Lutheran, and now she’s teaching us – always a teacher, that one – to cling to
Jesus no matter what. Matthew as
well, who I am more crushed for than anyone, and her parents. However, all of these people can be
falsely accused of putting on a brave face for the adoring public but I believe
that they are buoyed by an incredible faith that their reward is in Heaven,
that Jesus will see them through this.
The vast, unmapped parts of my personality that are largely selfish and immature I harbor this tawdry resentment that Nici is being like Jesus – perfect to the last. However, in this season of thanks it breaks my heart that I will bid farewell to a friend while being thankful that her suffering is going to break way to glory in Paradise. I am alternately thankful, and I feel this is perverse, that Nici has taught me one last thing. I’ll always remember so much about Nici but it will always stick with me how her every remark and action came off as well scripted as something from Larry David even her final act.
Shakespeare said that nothing was good or bad, only thinking made things so. Obi Wan told us that much of what we cling to as true depends greatly on our point of view. The author of this hymn, who was Methodist so I’m not going to linger on that, reminds us that what we view as dark and light are immaterial to the Lord. Dying isn’t good but neither is it bad. The bridge between an event and an experience is learning. I’ve learned from this experience, my faith has been challenged and it has matured and grown. While my feelings are still very raw on the topic I know that my friend has been a good and faithful servant and will be going Home soon, and our tears – as Hazel has taught us – are tears of jealousy because her reward is won and ours is yet to come.
Now, I need to go and live a life as Nici has shown us as possible: as a good and faithful servant. I will never be the picture of grace and faithfulness that Matt and Nici have been. I’ll never be a teacher of her caliber; I will never have a heart that big. What I can do is turn the heart that I do have, my whole heart, over to my faith and to my work, to my Lord, and live in a constructive and helpful way – the way she has.
In this season of thanksgiving I dislike being thankful having had something but I’ve got to change that perspective because a good example is never lost, a good friend is never lost, and our Lord is never lost to us, either.
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