Caustically Optimistic

only the good

I want to know why Eric had to die when there are ample amounts of perfectly awful people that the universe could have taken care of with what we like to call a "courtesy flush," in the profession.

I could tell you stories about what a great person he was and recount the fact that I am not a wonderful person and he was still a friend to me.  I am so hard to like.  I am so hard to be around.  I’ve gone through roommates, debate partners and whatever else a person can alienate at an alarming rate.  I’m probably one of two people to have a common law girlfriend.  It’s that bad. 

We had a couple classes together and despite my best efforts to be off-putting he still included me.  Most notably we had America History together and in my years of teaching I couldn’t get through a major unit without referencing something ridiculous he said or did.  There are children in five states who think that he was a serious scholar of our history and that things I repeated were worth holding as facts.  

I remember that the Continental Congress was called by Benjamin Franklin, Ben shouted out of his window until people showed up.  John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln because he was wearing white socks with a dark suit and dress shoes.  Theodore Roosevelt left his mustache in his will to our teacher.

I won’t bore you with how smart I am but I’m a legend in my own mind, but one day I said something incredibly stupid in class.  In a rare moment of not having done my homework and not knowing the answer I was called upon.  I think the teacher was relying on my unnatural ability to enjoy his class or alternately knew it was the one time the whole year that I was in the dark.  I bravely tried to sound like I knew the answer and Eric looked at me and said, “you don’t have to pretend to be stupid to make the rest of us feel good.” 

 He was also a smart ass after my own heart.  When we were learning about colonization we had to make up a proposal for “the king” about what kind of colony we would have, going through a list of questions and a shopping list of supplies.  When we were being questioned about our choices in front of the class – the teacher using a poor choice to teach the class about how our world differs from colonial times – Eric told him that, if we cared what he thought, we wouldn’t be endeavoring to pack our stuff and leave. 

I don’t know if I’ll still laugh or cry when I get back to teaching and think about those things.  What I do know is that I will always remember the person that was kind to the new kid, the unpopular kid, and even the kid who was unkind to him.  There were always people who were so incredibly mean to him – and I have no idea why because anyone who tolerates me is a candidate for sainthood.  I cannot fathom what someone who was unkind to him was thinking. 

We should always learn things from our friends.  If I had to take a lesson from him and share it with you it would be: be a smartass and be kind to everyone you meet.  Don’t empower people who hurt you by letting them know it upset you.  I think that’s what always impressed me about him because he never let the negative people in life know if they had hit their mark.  He might have been bothered by it but they never knew it. 

I forget who said it, but it really does feel like the whole world depopulated when one person dies.  

user name: spritopias

I’ve forgotten my password to get into my manufacturer’s training website.  It’s very secure and I’d like to congratulate the jerk that locked it down like it is Fort Knox or Buckingham Palace.  The absurdity of this situation is that I don’t know the answer to my security question to get be back into the system.  My choices are: my favorite sports star, my favorite childhood television show, my favorite television show, my favorite cartoon character, the best man/maid of honor at my wedding or my pet’s name.  Let’s discuss how genius those questions are. 

I don’t watch television, I don’t have a favorite sports star because I don’t care enough to have one, I haven’t been married and I didn’t have a dog when I was hired.  I could make one up but will I remember that later?  Also, and this is more important, if I were a normal human being you’d know that it was the Golden Girls, Battlestar Galactica, Alex Rodriquez, Fry, Alex Vance, and Molly Ringworm.  It’s on my Facebook, we’d have talked about it around the water cooler, something…but probably not going to know my mother’s maiden name. 

 I mean, if you’ve been following along you know that I’d have put Beelzebub, Hapsburg, or something similar - but it’s unlikely that you’d guess what I put or care. 

 You’re also not going to break into the manufacturer’s training site and do my tests for me – not that I’d stop you or care.  I’m starting to think that I put Jay Z as my favorite sports star because he can make a Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.  If you want to do my tests for me, I’d appreciate it because I have to know a bunch of things you won’t ask me when you come in to buy a car. 

 My favorite one, from another site completely, is, “Who did your best friend lose their virginity to?”  It really should be, “To whom did your best friend lose their virginity?”  Or, “What dirty whore gave it up to that scumbag you call a homie?”  Also, my best friend is a little more discrete and less indelicate about things like that.  So I remember how to get my password back I ended up answering, “Your Mom.” 

 I can’t decide what’s more offensive to me: the question or the bad grammar in which said question is posed. 

 My point is this: there are so many sites you have to have complicated passwords to and I honestly doubt anyone is so incredibly bored that they’re hacking into my life (my debit card excluded) and taking my tests for me.  I don’t know who people think I am or what their website is but I’d bet people don’t care enough to hack into my lameness. 

The tragedy is that beyond their incredible security hoops I can save my passwords and had a passive aggressive coworker not set my computer to not remember passwords or security protocols I wouldn’t have to bother with it, because really – how secure are you if you let me save the password in the first place? 

For the record, my mother’s made name is Mephistopheles – but the key is remembering that correct spelling.  

Relentless

Yesterday, after a brief audience with Colonel Sanders, Emperor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky I gained a dispensation to leave before the end of the Derby Festival and upon receiving it fled to Colorado. I've been in Denver and the surrounding environs and will get about forty-eight solid hours in. I always enjoy traveling in Colorado in general and Denver specifically. Approaching Denver is like approaching the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. It rises out of no where and presents it's impressive skyline to the traveler and seems to welcome them in from the austere loneliness of the surrounding farms and ranches.

So far, this trip has been a brilliant success. My boss insisted that I take some time off and relax but I think I should introduce him to Emily or let I'm spend the day with her. I enjoy visiting Emily because you'll have a full day, everyday. I think she has Carpe Diem tattooed on the back of her eyelids.

Today we went to the Furry Scurry which benefits the Dumb Friends Society which I was surprised to find out had to do with animals. I spent the entire ride over wondering why - if the friends were dumb - you'd want to or would be able to help a friend who was stupid. We walked around a park for an hour with a herd of corgis and helped raise (I think) over a million dollars for homeless pets the Denver area.

Emily's corgi needs companionship during the day and there was a co-jack (Corgi, Jack Russell mixed) in need of adoption. We headed put to the shelter and Emily and Ginny made their introductions with the yet to be named Co-Jack.

Ginny is a very spirited and relentless corgi. She is a furry creamsicle of energy. She's also an only canine and one can never really know how they'll react to someone being introduced into their pack. Ginny was initially cool to the puppy and perhaps a wee bit annoyed at his Russell-tactic-ness (if that wasn't an all out assault on our language, what is?). The-puppy-who-must-not-be-named is currently being tolerated by Ginny and she'd like me to note that its the puppy who should not be petted, played with, held, talked to, noticed, fed, watered or walked. She's currently occupying her old bed so that her little brother cannot use it (live with it, Ginny, he's staying).

After the trip to the shelter we went through the foothills because it is too cold for us to willingly wander into the mountains. We went to Morrison, Idledale, and Evergreen. If there is am ugly part of Colorado I've not been there. We were able to walk Ginny and Puppy-who-hasn't-yet-been-named around and it didn't wear them out at all. Corgis are relentless, even Co-Jacks. We were able to see sights, buy candy, and do the "trip to Colorado isn't complete without a" wine tasting. Normally, I like all the winds and tumble down the mountain but this time I noticed some of the subtle differences and what I don't like in a wine. Emily noted that she was noticing the different notes in they wine herself - I lack her vocabulary (and refinement).

The fun after returning Emily's home wasn't the Ginny & Ginny show, where the delightful and jovial corgi runs circles around the world and makes watching a goofy movie with a bottle of wine an event all its own. Instead, we had a sociology lesson from the dejected and jealous corgi as she responded with all the aplomb of an eighth grade girl who's just announced that she hates her parents and the whole world is against her. She looked ten times more hurt than when I leave my Molly in the morning to go to work. She was cool with the puppy when they were hanging out but was horrified when she realized he was staying. It was cute, funny and very sad. If you're reading this Molly, I'll never do that to you.

Tomorrow I return to the Commonwealth, my only instructions being from the Colonel that I shouldn't have anyone else's chicken on my breath. Most of the time when you leave a place after a vacation you'll note that it was a nice place but you wouldn't want to live there. Colorado isn't that place. I hope to grow up, get a real job, and move to Colorado.

Rambling on the iPad

I'm typing to you from my iPad. At first I thought I was ambivalent about the thing because I didn't need it. Who needs anything? You don't need computers and I certainly didn't need this wee computer but there is no point in working if you don't get a cool toy once in a while, right?

This now allows me to do what my moleskin notebook hasn't allowed me to do: instantly tell you the stupid things that have wandered into my brain. For instance, Governor Bashear said the budget negotiations could prove "cataclysmic," as if the budget situation could provoke the Lord in Heaven to open up the earth and swallow Paducah or hurl a meteor at Berea.

I'm also imposing the Beastie Boys on my coworkers. I'm a little annoyed at the foul language myself but I have to support my people. I sometimes feel like Bob Cratchet at work because I sit at a tiny desk and while one of my immediate supervisors babbles inane and cruel remarks or offers a commentary on our work habits. The best times of course are the ones like right now where he makes a big show of scolding us for being lazy when his boss wanders in catching him watching videos on YouTube.

I have a new appreciation for the show, "The Office," that I lacked entirely before. There is always a heaping portion of the truth in any comedy and while I'm unfortunately Angela in accounting or Andy Benard in his less malicious moments my immediate supervisor is not unlike Dwight when left in charge. He lacks Dwight's charm though but that's fine as we have neither a Jim nor a Pam. We have Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. In these tough times its rough to be out of work.

What I'd like to eventually do is figure out how to mark a montage of the moments from "The Office," that remind me of my own place of work. It's truly appalling what goes on there and if you were exposed to the videos we take of each other and post on Facebook you'd be mortified. I should probably juxtapose the videos we've made with the ones from The Office. People in the car business aren't the villains you think they are - they're not intellectually capable of the trickery with which we are associated.

I complete this on a very tiny plane on my way to visit another professionally displaced English teacher. Those of you who love the language - or are vaguely familiar with it - would also be horrified by the people I work with and how they speak. I look forward to being around other literate adults and by God if I am going go work with children why do they have to be my boss and why can't they be actual twelve-year-olds instead of emotionally handicapped nincompoops?

Being on an airplane is also a great deal like being a child in school again - although United let me have a full soda which i absolutely regret as the person I am sitting next to is asleep or possibly dead. He also looks like Pedro and I'm terribly tempted to say, "I didn't vote for you." I refrain because he's asleep, not drooling on my shoulder, and I'd retort, "at least I don't resemble the bloated corpse of Jack McFarland."

I could also comb through the catalog they put in the seat behind you full of things that seem like a good idea thousands of feet in the air but that we'd pass on when we found it at Target. Right now I'd take the R2D2 that follows you around the house and the oak or mahogany pet kennel that looks like furniture. I'd totally go for the meerkats statue for the garden and the King Tut sarcophagus for inside the house - it doubles as a cabinet!

I can pass on the wasp traps, our neighborhood needs a little more catch and release on those. I'm also a little afraid of all the products to abuse your pets. My dog, Molly, and my koala (who prefers to have his name redacted from the internet for his own safety) are pretty much the only animals that I consider. Dogs are pretty easy going - it's the humans who could use a nap.

I thinks so far my favorite part of this iPad and this flight has been the questions. "Is that an iPad?" No, ma'am it's an brushed aluminum sandwich. "Do you love it?" It's inanimate. How can I not love it! It doesn't talk back or pee on the carpet or even use all the toilet paper.

It's like reading a book and being asked what you're doing. What are the possible answers? Also, doesn't it appear to you that I am pleasantly engaged in something and perhaps you should keep your hand out my cage?

There are a great deal of productive things I can accomplish with this computer but I'm pretty sure I'll stick to causing trouble.