gifting repackaged

This Christmas I made your gift.  I realized that holiday gift giving is important to others and that I should be a team player and participate.  People like stuff.  They like getting stuff from other people.  They hang on to that stuff and remember those people and associate the items in their possession with the person who gave them.   I’ve just recently come to this conclusion or realization.  I made your gift because I wanted you to have something nice to commemorate the holiday and encapsulate what I wrote above this paragraph.  I didn’t want it to have any monetary value and I’m fine if you toss it in the rubbish when I’m not looking.

 For years I’ve been disgusted with Christmas because of the commercialization of it and despite a preference for the discipline and piety of Lent and Eastertide I couldn’t shake this feeling of dreading and disliking Christmas.  Beyond my religious misgivings about direction observing the holiday has taken I have other problems with gifts and gifting. 

 

My grandparents disowned me eight years ago.  A part of that discussion was in response to their demand that I pick between maintaining a loyalty to my sister (Chaos Bean) or to them; I couldn’t do both.  This was their construction of reality – there were other conditions involved but it boils down that being the over the top, unacceptable condition.  When they realized that I could not be moved from my loyalty to my sister they became angry and made a string of accusations and insults and one of them was, “after all the money we’ve spent on you and all the gifts we’ve given you.” And I realized, I had been and could be bought and sold.  

I’m not denying I’m materialistic.  I like things, nice things, expensive things, refined things, and things that are handmade.  However, the caused a rift in our family that very easily could have been solved at the nearest holiday.  At the point at which they hadn’t pointed out an obvious fact such as this they could have sent a gift.  I would have accepted the gift and written a thank-you note.  This would have thawed the ice on relationship and started the process of healing, instead they’ve set up the scenario where I cannot nor never will accept a present from them. 

There were other issues I needed to work through.  I have never denied I was materialistic.  I did need to accept and work with the idea that for years that materialistic nature allowed me to be used to hurt other people (mainly my grandparents used that to hurt Chaos Bean) and it put a rift in our relationship.  I needed to work passed.  I needed to learn the difference between paying a ‘tribute’ to someone to buy their friendship and being generous in response to the felicity of someone’s friendship and love.  

If my grandparents had bought me off for so many years, who else had?  Had I been someone’s friend or allowed something to happen or been in someone’s company because I was benefitting from it in material ways?  I’m ashamed to say that my grandparents weren’t the only ones who had done this. 

This has been stuck in my heart for a long time and I haven’t been able to enjoy a gift much less be gracious and accept one.  This year on my birthday one of my friends was furious I wouldn’t disclose my address (or the exact day of my birth) because I didn’t want a present from them.  I realized that I didn’t want a gift from them because of my hang-ups with gifts and was missing that giving someone a gift was important to the person giving the gift.

My godmother maintains the (professional) opinion that I am autistic, not understanding something as basic as this only underlines her argument.

I think it’s easier to buy your best friend a Cowboy’s t-shirt or a beer than to verbalize that you appreciate the fact they are in your life.  I shouldn’t have robbed them of that opportunity – certainly not without explanation.  In general I break towards birthdays over Christmas anyway (the birthday is, after all, about you) and then I only get you something if I see something I think you need, would like, and I want you to have it from me.  

I have a lot of trouble with gifts because I have to figure out and work around my feelings on this whole issue.  I don't like getting things and wondering if its a gift or a payment.  Also, who would buy me?  Of all the people on the market, who's doing that?  

This is why this Christmas I made your gift.  I wanted you to know that I appreciate the fact that you’re in my life and that you tolerate my shenanigans.  I’m not sure if or when I’ll be okay with getting gifts in return but I think this is an important first step in becoming a normal person again.  Not normal, never that, perhaps functional.  

 

Comments

[Jay]

Powerful stuff Chris. I'm sorry for the broken relationship. Shared this with my wife and she recommends "The Five Love Languages" book that might give a little more clarity as to your grandparents statement...but whichever, thanks for the powerful words here.

[Suburban Island]

I am glad that you are understand how all of what happened with your grandparents has impacted your current relationships. It's very insightful of you and requires a lot of personal honest and strength to move past it. I am looking for my gift every day. And you're getting one from me. :)