Caustically Optimistic

Spritopias and the Deathly Hallows

ACHTUNG BABY! NO REAL SPOILERS!

HOGWARTS – ASTRONOMY TOWER

Senator Hillary Rodham-Clinton is pursuing Harry Potter in the climax of an epic Wizard’s Duel – the junior senator from New York has the boy hero cornered, all seems lost…

HILLARY CLINTON: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power! Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the Middle East.

HARRY POTTER: I'll never join you!

HILLARY CLINTON: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father.

HARRY POTTER: He told me enough! He told me Voldemort killed him.

HILLARY CLINTON: No. Bill Clinton is your father. Shocked, Harry looks at Clinton in utter disbelief.

HARRY POTTER: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible! That would make you my mother, wouldn’t it?

HILLARY CLINTON: AVADA KADAVRA!

A week ago preparations began in earnest for the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Books were reread, movies viewed again, predictions made and costuming prepared.

Normally I eschew costuming for these events and if called upon to don a costume I claim to be Seamus Finnegan in street clothes or a Muggle. Deathly Hallows is the final installment of the Harry Potter series – unless J.K. Rowling decides to besmirch her good name and pull a George Lucas on us – and this auspicious occasion called for either formal wear or a costume.

Seamus Finnegan is my favorite minor character only because I bear an unfortunate resemblance to the actor who portrays him in the films. I decided to research Seamus Finnegan and settled on making Kenmare Kestrel practice jerseys as our costumes. The Kestrels are Finnegan’s favorite Quiddich team. This proved to be a bad idea when it was time for the book release, but like many things in life it seemed like a good idea at the time. Using the description I designed a mirrored double k logo and my sister helped me put them on shirts for Emily, Hanna and myself. If I had known that more people were going to be in our party I would have made enough for an entire team of Quiddich players. That would have solidified my position as a leading citizen in the Forest of Nerds. However, Emily’s pregnant friend Lisa dressed as the quaffle rendering our costumes lame – well, more lame than your general costume. Justin made the shirts cooler than I had hoped by somehow naming the logo the "Golden Snatch" in a misnomer of the Golden Snitch.

Deathly Hallows is a great literary adventure. Giving details on the book would be uncouth, however I will say that Rowling handles twists and turns in plot and character like a Volkswagen on a winding mountain road. The suspense and action do not let up until a very lame epilog. Lame as it is, I would do the same thing for reasons I will divulge later. I finished the book in twenty-two hours and was happy that my predictions were right and wrong where appropriate. I am right, for those who pay attention, where my opinions mirror She-Who-Must-Not-Be-First-Named*.

Getting the book was an adventure as well.

Emily sent me to the designated Barnes and Noble to pick up tickets for our party – Emily, her literate sister, her coworkers and myself. I arrived at the Barnes and Noble late – the line would open at nine and I was there at half past eight. People had lined up at half of seven in the morning for the tickets – in costume – and I was so far back in the line that I was waiting in the alley like Kaneesha Bangladesh. I regret that my camera died given the costume parade and classy locale.

The worst part of being in line, I wrongly assumed, was going to be the ubiquitous dry-humping college students. Then again, dry-humping college students are an American tradition and no Harry Potter book release or amusement park can do without them. The real problem was Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, who was in line behind me with her children. Mrs. Onassis’ children had no problem being in line, one was the stock greasy teen boy with new and improved shaggy long hair that no one taught him to wash or comb and his sister who was too cool for Harry Potter and remained happily, rudely plugged into her iPod almost the entire time. I regretted now that I had left my iPod in the car, too.

Mrs. Onassis decided that her children would certainly starve to death in the never-ending line for Deathly Hallows tickets and went to the Barnes and Noble Starbucks to provision them for their quest. Unfortunately, she got them the wrong drinks and was soundly berated by her children and after much discussion it was decided that the only thing she had done wrong was switch the children’s drinks. My mother would have dumped them on our heads rather than listen to us berate her and we would not have remained in a line to get a book later in the day. My mother is some exception to a parenting rule about the children being in charge.

The rest of the time in the line was spent listening to her complaints about the length of the line and the time spent in it, which totaled ten minutes. She would occasionally attempt to engage her children and the people around her in conversation until she decided to recount how her children were ungrateful, if you can imagine ungrateful teens, for when she took them to London and they saw Daniel Radcliffe in Equus – which the boy said ‘ruined’ the movies for him and elicited me to say, “If I had seen Harry Potter’s ‘wand,’ it would have ruined the movies for me, too” this too was ill-advised because it caused the woman to start a conversation about people being prudish about nudity and sexuality in art and caused the woman in front of me to ask her to ‘shut up.’

When I got to the end of the line Mrs. Onassis had a fit because of the amount of tickets I was getting. There was no prohibition in getting tickets for others and I was armed with a list of five or six people. I received all but the last remaining “A Boarding Group” tickets and was nearly assaulted by Mrs. Onassis for standing in line so useful people could work. I further enraged her when the manager pointed out that one in our party had asked for a paperback of the book and I commented, “Don’t mind Shawn, he’s retarded.” To quell her anger I claimed that Shawn was indeed retarded and later that evening met him for the first time and advised him to act dumb or drool if we encountered the woman again.

That evening, when we returned to Barnes and Noble dressed in Kestrel’s practice shirts, we were glad for Emily’s friends. In year’s past we have gone to must better release celebrations and this one was clearly an evening dependent on the participants more than the events presented. Our costumes because an object of discussion with two very bizarre people – one who claimed to be a fan of the Kestrels who attended every game and sang us our fight song. Another claimed to be on a real Quiddich team and tried to talk Quiddich with us. We ran away from the first person and I used the Spritopias Offendus spell on the second. The spell was performed simply, I saw two very large people with someone who was clearly malnourished and suggested privately to Lisa that they stop eating her food, at the top of my lungs.

The main entertainment for us was Justin securing free drinks for some of us at the world’s busiest Starbucks – surreptitiously – and trying to decide if people were in costume of if they were dressed in the clothing they would normally wear. We also had to ward off two people who had accosted us earlier when the Spritopias Offendus spell wore off and at one point my friend Ana arrived with a friend of hers and her friend said, “There is a man with a koala in a costume” and Ana said, “Oh, that’s got to be Christopher.”

There was also the subplot of Lauren, Emily’s sister, who came with us despite not having seen the movies or read the books. A Muggle in our world, she attended the festivities to be with her sisters and wore a shirt that said, “nice from now on,” and by magic changed to, “nice for as long as I can tolerate this bawdy band of social misfits, Jesus come take me now.” She had several moments of disbelief but was the best at figuring out who was in a costume and who dressed like that every day.

When midnight approached it was not unlike New Year’s Eve – except most of these people are probably not at large gatherings of humans at the dates designated on the calendar – everyone was giddy with anticipation and strangely unruly. The woman who sang us the Kestrel’s fight song ran up and down the aisle imploring people to behave while the man I repelled using Spritopias Offendus started to push people. It was later discovered this person did not have a ticket.

Luckily, we were in the first group to get our books and left the store books in hand, triumphant. Unfortunately, it took us longer to leave the parking lot than it did to stand in line to get the tickets or the books as someone parked us into our space that Lauren had procured for us earlier in the evening – the car being half on the curb.

I was able to finish the book quickly – wanting to avoid Stan’s persistent and ill-informed spoilers – placing my mouth under embargo until Emily finishes the book. So far it’s the best of the books but that is just my opinion. I have no complaints about the book or anything that happens in the story except the corny epilog.

*Citizens of the People’s Soviet Socialist Republic of the Spritopistan out of reverence, like ancient Hebrews fearing using God’s name, will not use Dr. Ashby’s first name and often refer to her simply as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-First-Named.

Magic, It's Everywhere!

This is the Harry Potter Special Edition of the “Dueling Posts” broadcast between Suburban Island and Caustically Optimistic. Both authors discuss the same topic from their divergent points of view to give you a fuller view of the question at hand. If you would like to be a part of July’s Dueling Post drop either author an email or comment and we will include you in the process. First a video, then onto our story

Magic, It’s Everywhere

Like many people half my age I am excited about the impending release of not just Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I realize that I am fifteen years too old to be enjoying these books and while I could mask that with being a teacher and a writer I have to admit that I really do enjoy the story and mythology as much as the elements of fiction contained in the story and analyzing the text. I love gathering with Emily and other friends and hiking into the Forest of Nerds to our spot, past the Lord of the Rings fans but not quite to the Star Trek convention, to discuss the story, characters and our impressions and predictions.

I was first attracted to the books because of the controversy surrounding them. The same people who had been weaned on Bewtiched and The Wizard of Oz were suddenly, rabidly opposed to this book. If I know anything about Adolescent Literature I know that when adults come out against a book in force, it is a good sign that it will be a popular item with children. I know that my goal for my book once published is to offend Tipper Gore, Lynn Cheney and James Dobson simultaneously so that I can be an unparalleled success. What then was in this book that was so terrible that it needed to be taken away from children? That it should be banned, burned and discarded for other books?

I have read them all, some several times. I have found nothing in there that should create the hysteria that these books have. I have found a story that uses magic as a frame to house the story of children growing up and a classic story of good verses evil that is rivaled in adherence to the textbook hero story only by Star Wars. Often as a teacher of reading I am challenged on having the books in my classroom and I answer that challenge – and am willing to remove them from my room if this challenge is met: if you find me another series of 800 page books in British English that children fight over reading then I certainly will replace Harry Potter with your books.

They try and give me The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because that story is an allegory but considering the lack of depth in plot, character and mythology I can only call it an alle-snorey, it should be also be noted that witchcraft is present in this book as well. They try and give me the Lord of the Rings, which is oft over the student's heads, but is also an allegory despite having the same elements of magic that make Mr. Potter so offending. The Narnia Series and the Lord of the Rings are in my classroom as well, but Harry Potter is the big man on campus wherever he arrives.

The magic of Harry Potter isn’t the magic but it is how young people, and people who think they are young people, relate to the story of growing up. Readers enjoy the human characters they can relate to themselves and their friends, the plots that remind them of their own lives and realize better than we do that the magic is just the engine that drives the train.

What are my predictions about the book coming out twenty-five days from press of this posting? I compiled these with Emily’s help, editing and excellence in Potter Trivia (she got all N.E.W.T.s).

Harry vs. Voldemort
I am conflicted on this issue because while American authors feel compelled to end each story happily European ones do not necessarily feel this urge. However, these are books for children – children growing up during a time of increased awareness of terror in their lives – and I think Rowling will end this book with Harry winning. The prophecies seem to indicate the question’s answer being either/or and in this case I would put my money on Harry. However, we would have already given Rowling our money and I guess we cannot return a book or get a refund for disliking the ending, can we? I don’t think Rowling would do that.

Also, Emily and I have ascertained that the Death Eaters are really terribly incompetent. The best example we can think of is that in the first book – and following books – protections against Voldemort and his followers were frequently bypassed by the children and not by the adults they were intended to keep out.

Other Children Dying
I am going to bet against Hermione or Ron dying in the books for the same reason I do not think Rowling would kill Harry, but like any Star Trek Away Team I would expect anyone unattractive or ethnic to bite the dust. Neville? Cho Chang? Your numbers are up. Cedric Diggory dying was tragic in the story but he was not a huge character until that book. I expect that Neville’s development and usefulness in the last few books will bring him to prominence and then death. Emily notes that Neville being the other possible child from the prophecy also qualifies him for death, even if it were just a precaution. Cho Chang or Ginny Weasley – being close and beloved to Harry – makes them marks as much as their ethnicity and unattractiveness.

Dumbledore (and Snape)
Dumbledore isn’t dead, completely. Rowling said there would be no Gandalf moment where he’d be resurrected – and someone resurrecting from the dead would really set the Christians off. Emily and I believe his animagus is a phoenix and that is why a phoenix rose at his funeral – in some shape or form Dumbledore will still remain with Harry – not unlike Obi Wan remained with Luke in Star Wars.

Dumbledore pled for mercy from Snape when he was killed and while I do not like Snape I also hold out hope that people – real and fictional – are redeemable. Snape could have been in cahoots with the Headmaster, allowing him to remain ‘good’ and uphold his oath to Lady Malfoy to help Draco Malfoy kill the Headmaster.

I think that Dumbledore, like Obi Wan and Jesus, knew the power that Good has over death and that their deaths are not permanent. Obi Wan and Jesus prepared themselves to die at the hands of their prodigies knowing they could better serve their other followers that way. In Chamber of Secrets Dumbledore says that he will not leave Hogwarts as long as there are people still loyal to him there. Emily also reminds us that Dumbledore tells Voldemort that there are things worse than death in Order of the Phoenix.

Snape is duplicitous and this could be another clever turn on his part or genuine treachery. Emily believes Snape is evil and opportunistic and I would like to see him ‘good’ in the end. We have to remember that Lupin defends James Potter and Sirius Black’s bullying by telling Harry that Snape was no “innocent victim.” Many death eaters, most notoriously the Malfoys, recanted or helped the Order of the Phoenix – but were really still servants of the Dark Lord. I will grudgingly side with Emily because she is the Potter Scholar and better judge of character (real and imagined) but keep my fingers crossed behind my back that Rowling pulls out some genius move with Snape.

Hogwarts
Hogwarts will reopen, under the leadership of Minerva McGonagall. The office opens to her – and only respects the real Headmaster or Headmistress of Hogwarts – so there is little question to her leadership of the school. I would also submit that despite it all the school is still the safest place for the children. Emily thinks that once Voldemort is defeated the school will reopen, I would think sooner for literary continuity – but we are unsure if Harry will return.

Will Harry become an Auror?
He would have to return to school and get N.E.W.T.S on all core subjects to be admitted for formal Auror training. However, for ease of storytelling, I think the school will close and Harry will join the Order of the Phoenix and fight the Death Eaters. He may not become a formal Auror but I am certain that he will, at the least, perform the duties of one in his mission. McGonagall and the other members of the Order are well aware of the prophecy and also know what Harry must do; they’ll train and teach him, protect and guide him. Ultimately – as she promised – McGonagall will train Harry to fight the Death Eaters and Voldemort. Hermione and Ron won’t leave his side – and I am sure that will be a subplot to watch.

Who learns magic late in life?
This was a hard one for Emily and I to answer. We considered Dudley and Petunia – but they are obviously Muggles and I am not sure that Dudley is in ‘late life.’ I would hate to see Uncle Vernon receive redeeming qualities. Hagrid knows magic, does magic, but how much magic does he know? Could the ability to do magic and a need for formal training be two issues? Hagrid learned something but his training is incomplete – otherwise he would have been implicated in the Order of the Phoenix. Cornelius Fudge has yet to show redeeming qualities, so it could be him.

I would put money on Hagrid learning a few tricks. When they have wanted to Dumbledore and McGonagall have bent rules for the greater good – and to protect and promote Harry – and Hagrid would be a good candidate for greater literary glory. This could also be the end of him.

Harry and Ginny
Will Harry marry Ginny Weasley? This question has been obvious since the beginning. They had the beginnings of a romance and that will return after the Dark Lord dies but considering the timeline of events Harry Potter will eventually come to America to defeat Hillary Clinton, when this happens he will meet and fall in love with Emily and they will live happily ever after. Besides, it is weird to date your best friend’s sister.

So tell us, what do you think?

The Half-Blood Trick

I am voracious reader. I can read, retain, and comprehend, quickly. It is almost alarming how well I can do this. I had my copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for roughly thirty-six hours before finishing it. I normally would not tear through a book at that speed. I like to savor fiction. I do not want to plow through it like a textbook or a news brief. However, Emily is a genius and she is training her sister Hannah to equal her in this genius. Photo: Dr. A as portrayed by Maggie Smith

On Saturday, I intended to read a couple of chapters in Half Blood Prince Saturday and then put it to rest and only read a chapter or two a day. During reading in Emily’s condo (where I am staying) I got up to use the bathroom and when I returned Hannah, who had been looking in the back of the book announced, “[insert nasty spoiler here]”