Caustically Optimistic

Forth of July

The Fourth of July is a time for us to trot out our faux patriotism but I am going to trot out some resolutions.  The Fourth is just a good a time as any.  I’m going to get back to teaching, that’s my resolution.  In the meantime, as I have no students to abuse, I will abuse you with a little lesson. 

For the love of Beyonce Knowles, there is a difference between, “virtually,” and “literally.”  ‘Virtually,’ means “almost, but not quite.”  Example?  This post is virtually like ‘The Oatmeal’ but isn’t that clever.  ‘Literally,’ is used for emphasis and to verify that you are, in fact, not shitting someone.  Example? I literally become enraged when people confuse homophones and heteroglyphs in their writing.  When in doubt don’t use either word, just shut up. 

In fact, shutting up more would be a great way for me to look less stupid but Mark Twain said, “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt,” I think Mark Twain is a sanctimonious prick but really I’m just jealous that he got to be a professional sanctimonious prick and I only get to do it as a hobby. 

I’m virtually a professional smartass but Mark Twain literally was. 

Ideals and Ideas are not interchangeable.  Folksy isn’t cute or endearing; it’s why everyone likes Michelle Bachmann more than Sarah Palin.  Ideas are the things roaming around in our brains, you may not have one and that is why you get the words confused.  Example?  I have a great idea: there is a medication for this guy’s problem.  Let’s take up a collection so he can go on his meds.  An ‘ideal’ is either something expressed in perfection, a really good example or sometimes a belief.  Example?  George Washington was the ideal president because he generally stayed beyond the partisan fray. 

The ideal situation is one where we can express our ideas clearly to one another so there is no misunderstanding. 

The second thing I’d like you to wrap your brain around are some commonly misspelled words and phrases.  I read status updates on Facebook and tweets on Twitter and have a hard time understanding people. 

It’s good riddance, not “good riddens,” unless there is something called a ‘riddens’ and it’s quite good.

“A lot,” is two words (not one) while oddly enough, “motherfucker” is one word instead of two.  You shouldn’t be using either of those words if at all possible.  If Chaos Bean isn’t using it I have no idea why you need to run out and do it.

There isn’t an ‘r’ in wash, washing, or Washington.

'Jew' is a noun, not a verb, and while the English language is incredibly malleable in that regard if you have a friend (me) who is Jewish in the religious, cultural, or biological sense it comes across as incredibly rude and borderline hateful.  I realize that in the proper context I do that but it’s the same principle as people of African descent using the “n” word.  They say it and you cannot.  If it is improper to say the ‘n’ word, retard, and gay then it is probable that Jews be afforded the same respect.  Also, if we’re really as powerful and good with money as you claim we are why do you want to be on our bad side.  I realize that my use of it is bad and I should stop but there are some many vices I need to jettison before I get to that one.  This is one of the things that will get you on my list, forever. 

I need to learn the difference between affect and effect; I know I’m not perfect.  I’m not asking you to finally use ‘who,’ and ‘whom,’ correctly: these are simple things and while they’re not as exciting as watching rednecks turn left for the three hours it is still important. 

Unfortunately, this post will be commented on by dozens of people who will pull out their best invective knee slappers full of language abuse.  Emily will most likely start this, she always does, but we all have our prejudices when it comes to language use and these are the ones I hold dear. 

You can use prepositions at the end of sentences – there is no codified rule about that – and you can use double negatives for emphasis; both require the same amount of skill required to properly engage a semi-colon.  I realize that wasn’t germane to what we were talking about but Germaine wanted me to bring it up. 

 

 

 

 

 

finished ranting

I wonder if people really like the Dave Matthews Band or if they’re secretly jealous that our parents had the Stones, the Dead, and the Beatles.  I also wonder if it’s “Dave Matthew’s Band” or “Dave Matthews Band?”  I really don’t care that much.  I know people who have problem being friends with people whose politics or religion are different or diametrically opposed to their own but I’m neither “that person,” nor a big fan of music but I have a hard time being friends with someone who likes the Dave Matthews/Matthew’s Band.  We all have our own prejudices and anyone who says they accept all people freely and don’t judge is only lying to themselves. 

I’m not a Republican (the Rolex was a gift). 

I’m annoyed at this guy who made a mockery of my whole faith the other day by saying when the “rapture” was going to happen.   First, it shows a clear lack of keen Biblical scholarship because Christ is clear about no one knowing when He’ll return.  Second, the rapture concept is as extra-Biblical as the Easter Bunny.  The idea dates back to the revival movements in the 1800s in America where people started making money off works righteousness in America.  If another Pentecostal person tells me that I “don’t understand the end times,” I’ll point out that the fixation with the “end times” shows that they don’t understand Jesus or the Gospel.  That whole school of thought rejects Christ’s Gospel on its face and seeks to use fear of Hell (and the aversion to eternity there) as premise for faith in and following Christ.  That’s not why you should follow Christ and it isn’t the purpose of the church.  Jesus wasn’t a judgmental cracker wandering Judea frightening people about Hell.  Sure, Jesus would be the first to tell you to, “go and sin no more,” but if you look at his teaching it’s a far cry from what passes for his Gospel in the “Bible Belt.”

It’s hard to find someone trying to facilitate a conversation while also being a judgmental cracker.  It doesn’t happen in pairs. 

What I really wanted to be indignant about was the people who were making fun of someone’s religious beliefs but it’s hard to be when that set of people long for persecution.  Americans aren’t persecuted so we have to make up persecutions.  When the preferred party is out of power that’s persecution (instead of Government of, by, and for the people being non-me/other people this cycle) or that our parents didn’t love us ‘enough,’ or whatever.  We don’t have real problems so we invent some and it’s usually directed at people with real problems wanting to better themselves.  Like people who want affordable health care or immigrants.

 You can tell when someone hugs you and means it and you can tell when they don't. 

That one kills me, it really does, because everyone came here from somewhere else (sorry, “Native Americans,” science went and proved your ancestors got here first but walked from Korea).  Why did they come here?  Did they come here to take advantage of our education system and social programs?  Things like that are only believed truly by people unaware of how bad it really is here.  People come to the United States (and Canada) to make their lives better for themselves and their children.  How dare you begrudge that?  Oh, I agree they should come here legally but we pontificate upon that fact over meals provided by those same illegal immigrants we so detest usually in places cleaned and built by them.  It’s truly an American achievement to end slavery but find a way around it further south of us.

Also, I’d like to be mad at the people mocking someone’s faith but it’s amazing that the mockers are better informed than their victims.  They’ve read the Bible, they’ve learned the basics and beyond.  Yet people believe what their told despite being able to open the book they believe without error and have the author practically screaming at them that they are on the wrong path.  And truly, are you a victim of mockery if you’ve endeavored to be mocked?  If you’ve made yourself a walking joke should you get to be sad or be pitied?  If you invite something into your life do you get to be mad it’s there? 

That isn’t to say that I believe in a namby-pamby who wanted us to overlook each other’s faults and failings, sins and foibles and just love each other while braiding flowers into our hair.  Jesus was pretty clear about things and behaviors he thought were right and wrong, he wasn’t a dick about it like people who pretend to be his followers.  Sure, he wouldn’t be cool with gay marriage but allowing the gays to marry isn’t an assault on traditional marriage (whatever that is) that’s the divorce.  Divorce is frontal assault on the sanctity of marriage.  You let the gays alone and let them settle up with Jesus, worry about your own self. 

Why do I bother?  These are the people you see at Six Flags during the summer in shorts and t-shirts with ‘their women’ in long sleeves and heavy denim skirts.  Irony, inconsistency and cognitive dissonance are what they feed off. 

You know what my real problem is?  What’s really bothering me?  I’ll tell you because I’m pretty sure that by now you’ve stopped reading: I have a friend who’ll call, text, and e-mail you near to death about his problems but if you so much as mention they got your hamburger wrong at lunch or that your grandmother felt it was important to tell you that she never loved you and is disappointed the grandchildren she actually liked didn’t show up they have to hurry off the phone and put a sealant on the deck.  That isn’t what bothers me.  What bothers me is that I dutifully listen (and care) knowing damn well that I don’t have someone to soak up MY bullshit. 

 I’m finished ranting. 

 

 

 

saturday

On Saturday someone I respected and learned a great deal from was killed in Tucson along with the other people at the Safeway.  It’s very easy to be very angry in those situations and I am still angry.  Actually, I’m pretty heartbroken and I don’t know why exactly. 

Things like Saturday are more disturbing and disquieting to me than things like 9/11 because 9/11 wasn’t perpetrated by members of community, our neighbors, it was done by outsiders.  There is something different about someone breaking into your own and burning it down and quite another thing for someone who you live with to commit that crime.  

I’ll throw some blame around.

First, and foremost, we live in a culture that is very quick to assume, judge, and scold.  I posted something on my Facebook and no sooner had I done that and my aunt was calling it, ‘disturbing,’ and, ‘uncalled for.’  The media was doing the same thing and we all followed along making our own comments and conjectures.  Yes, the right had nothing to do with it but what do you expect people to think when a center-left politician’s gathering is turned into an assassination attempt/massacre?  Who might you blame if the tables were turned?  

Second, we almost never step into someone else’s shoes.  When something horrible happens we don’t want to be blamed for it – especially when there might not be someone to blame sometimes bad things happen at Safeway.  However, when someone accuses me of something I ask, “What would make people thing that?”  If I don’t like what I’m being blamed for maybe I need to stop doing things that make me seem guilty.  I’m sorry but when a politician puts crosshairs on someone’s district or another is going around talking about second amendment solutions to problems and you have a movement that co-opts the language of revolutionaries you can’t then – when bullets start flying – expect the people those politicians sought to disenfranchise not get nervous.  What did you think was going to happen with all that vitriol? 

Had you stepped in our shoes for a moment you’d understand where we are coming from, too.  I have no idea what my aunt assumed I was talking about – I’d like just one member of my family that I knew I could talk to, ever, besides a centenarian who can’t hear me on the phone – or stopped to see where I was coming from.  Some I knew, someone I worked with, had been killed.  If my life had a more fortunate trajectory it could have been me at that Safeway.  During the Obama Campaign there were several tense moments where you feared that what happened in Tucson was going to happen.  That morning the very worst of our very real fears came to fruition. 

There needs to be accountability for the things people are saying and doing as well.  The shooter didn’t shoot because Sarah Palin or anyone else had put targets and crosshairs on people.  The shooter didn’t shoot because our politicians and pundits are simply out of control and say whatever to get a reaction from people who don’t care about the consequences.  However, it doesn’t help a person who is emotionally and mentally troubled when people who are supposed to be executing and safeguarding our democracy are instead validating their delusions of what is and is not appropriate.  Further, if Sarah Palin, Keith Olbermann, the people at the Daily Kos or Sharon Angle were seventh graders they’d be expelled for their actions and words.  That’s something to consider: we don’t accept this from our children but it’s perfectly acceptable for pundits and aspiring leaders. 

During the last Senate campaign our Attorney General ran an ad against (now) Senator Paul that questioned his faith based on the most absurd story ever contrived and lost because of that ad.  While my faith in the Attorney General was shaken I was heartened when our Representative said he’d not have run the ad and condemned it and so did several Democratic senators.  No one did that with the crosshairs or the ‘second amendment solutions,’ not from their parties, and that disturbs me. 

When we devalue the process and cheapen discourse we also devalue and cheapen our leaders and ourselves, and ultimately their lives (and ours).  

Third, there are people that pretense to this being a Christian nation, a developed nation, a nation that leads the free world but we have an education system and a health care apparatus that completely failed this young man.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in meetings as a teacher and advocated for help for kids to have it pushed back at me.  I’ve even had my career scuttled for taking up for a child that without help could end up like this.  If we’re not talking care of and caring about our weakest members of our community of course this will happen to us and to our leaders.  We can’t call ourselves people who fear, love and trust God and live in a just and equitable society when we’ve failed to help this person and at the very least put him in a situation where he isn’t a threat to himself or others.  Conservatives would do well to look upon education and health care as an investment in their own future and in the future of the country they love. 

So, if I am going to blame someone I am going to blame myself and the rest of society because we’re too quick to assume, we’re too quick to be hateful, we’re too quick to tear down the institutions meant to protect us and painfully slow when it comes to taking care of each other and doing what’s right for one another.  

My heart is broken.  Maybe it is because this isn’t America and the behavior isn’t American.  We can live together in peace and disagree vigorously using appropriate metaphors and symbolism.  We can take care of each other as a community and make sure that we’re not just safe from the faceless fears across the sea but from the faces we see each day in our own communities.  Sarah Palin delightshe in taking the First Lady's statement about being proud of America out of context, please take this in context: I'm ashamed of us.  We can do this, but we won’t.  This golden opportunity to adopt some civility will be wasted due to a lack of introspection and gumption.  Why?  It’s easier to tear down than it is to build up.  

This is a America where the only real Christian concept we embrace is that of rebirth and another chance.  No one is going to take this opportunity to turn the rhetoric and the hate down and move toward helping each other towards a better tomorrow but I will even if you won't and I'm alone in doing it.  

 

I Need Another Story…

I was given an iPad for my birthday.  I’ve become an app aficionado; I especially like the free ones.  I’ve transferred this to my iPhone as well with the multitasking.  My favorite app is the Kindle app.  Emily and I were discussing the usefulness of the app and how it’s on every platform either of us encounter. 

 

Emily and I are experts and making observations and passing judgments.  Sure, it’s a great application but when was the last time you needed 3,500 books at your fingertips?  It’s like my iPod being able to hold enough songs to drive from New York to Los Angeles and back without hearing the same song twice.  When are you going to do either of those things?  If I read one book a week I’d read fifty-two books a year and I would read 3,500 books in a little over sixty-seven years.  I’ll be one hundred years old by the time I accomplished that task.  Luckily, you can access your books on your Kindle app anywhere on any device.  Evidently, when I’m at Saint Luke’s waiting for Jesus I’ll be able to access it on whatever Steve Jobs has cooked up for us.

Yes, I think that somehow Steve Jobs is going to outlive us all. 

Emily says that I cannot read that many books, ever.  I’ve read The Count of Monte Cristo, The Son of Monte Cristo I & II, Pride and Prejudice, and Isaiah on my iPad.  I’ve also read the Gospel of Luke, Harry Potter and the Incredibly Long Camping Trip, Santa Evita, Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, and The Hobbit in the traditional print format.  I’ve read another things and I can’t remember what they are but there you have ten books before this year began.  I’m not going to count those but I did start Les Miserables and Treasure Island on Christmas and I am going to count those. 

Can I read 3.500 books between now and Great Grandma Johnson?  No.  Can I read a book a week from now until I die?  Yes. 

There are some rules, I can’t count Philemon but I can count the Acts of the Apostles.  I can’t count Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day but I can count longer chapter books.  I can also inflict terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days upon people but that’s another contest.  Books found in traditional print can count as well as books that are found on Kindle format.  Technical manuals for work don’t count but if I read a cook book, informational text, or work of theological drudgery I will count it. 

I’ll report my findings here, because above all else, this keeps me honest.  So far my schedule is Treasure Island on the iPad and Les Miserables in the traditional printed format.  After that I’ll read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (it was suggested to me by the Bald Librarian).  I adore librarians and aspire to one day be one. 

You can suggest books but note that I read Pride and Prejudice because I thought it was going to give me advice about being more prideful and more prejudicial and Suburban Island suggested the book.  Nature abhors a vacuum and I abhor Jane Austen.  I’ll take suggestions but if the book involves vampires or was written by Stephen King know in advance that I’ll ignore you. 

I’d try to make this more interesting but I have to read…

 

meeting notes - 2010

I was reviewing my notes from meetings I’ve had this year and decided it was wise to destroy those notes because I don’t really take notes about what is going on the meeting but my snide observations about the world.  Here are a few of them:

I’m going to name my daughter “Apostrophe.”  Apparently, I’m the only person who knows what an apostrophe is and everyone will think it’s a Greek name. 

Maureen Dowd was correct: people who want English as the official language are terrified of those of us who are fluent.

If you have to say (several times) that it’s not a dictatorship then it probably is. 

Tearing people down doesn’t build you up, unless you’re clever like I am. 

Alexandre Dumas was right: we don’t suffer because the Good Lord hates us.

 If they sell more than we (you) do then their process isn’t broken – ours is.  If our system is superior we should be outselling them.

 The first step in fixing a problem is: owning the problem; not blaming someone else.

The English language evolves but I’m pretty sure we haven’t abandoned grammar, not completely. 

Few people are as important to your career as your tailor.  There is nothing wrong with buying off the rack, but do you have to look like you just bought it at Target?

I don't understand how someone can eat food from a drive-through with the same vigor and enjoyment of, say, a fine French or Japanese meal.  

 

 

all apologies

Someone at work really irritated me, irritated me so much I went to the trouble of trudging up the steps to the HR department to complain about the situation.  The person, hours later, came by and tried to apologize for the situation and I refused to accept the apology.  I know that going to HR is pretty lame but as I told the person, if I thought we were capable of having a man-to-man talk I’d not have gone.  I also don’t accept apologies that are forced upon the person offering them. 

I almost never apologize for things I’ve done, mainly because I’m a sociopath and I’ve planned out most of the things I’ve done.  I can’t be sorry for something I meant to do, especially after all the careful planning I’ve laid out.  The other times I’ve been asked to apologize for something it’s been a situation where I’ve expressed (usually under duress) my opinion on a topic.  I don’t think I should have to apologize for your having stuck your hand into my cage. 

My godmother thinks I’m autistic but autistic isn’t code for asshole.  People, especially my godmother, don’t jump in front of busses when they make situations awkward for me or say something that offends me so I’m not running out to do it either.  This is America, I may not be entitled to health care, a job, or personal security from all the people we’ve set out to piss off around the world but I am entitled to my opinions and my actions. 

I was at dinner a few weeks ago and was verbally attacked by someone who was also at this dinner and people who I was under the misguided impression were my friends sat by and watched.  Two things should have happened, first they should have changed the subject and second they should have warned their friend who he was attacking.  I am no one’s punk, my deference to my debate coach is often mistaken for this but it’s that I know the limits of my own powers.  It’s as Albus Dumbledore said, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.”  I would never, never in the million years I’ve walked the earth allowed a friend to be bullied thus and wasn’t going to take it myself.

My point being, that’s a mistake that I haven’t made but had I made that mistake it wouldn’t have taken me five days to call said friend up and apologize for it.  I don’t feel like I have to accept that apology, nor maintain that friendship.  I mean, after five days, why bother?  Also, if you’re willing to let one friend bulldoze another (especially when that friend has stood up for you too many times to count) then do you really value that friend at all?  I submit that you do not.  Will we be friends again?  Were we friends in the first place? 

The problem that arises for me is that my faith dictates that I not only apologize but also accept apologies from other people. This is incredibly difficult because the human heart doesn’t want to do that.  I really don’t like admitting that I was wrong – even to myself – and I certainly don’t like receiving apologies. 

It’s harder to receive an apology than it is to make one.  You have to first relive whatever indignity is being discussed, then you have to endure the person’s explanation of their assholery, and finally you have to accept this crap.  If people could just keep it to, “I’m sorry,” I think I could handle it.  My other favorite component is where they try to get you to apologize as well.  I think the worst is when you find out MORE than you knew in the first place. 

This is the beautiful thing about faith: it compels you to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do.  It overcomes the animal in you; it overcomes your human impulses and makes you behave in a new and more beautiful way.  They say giving and accepting apologies makes you a bigger person but it’s the faith that guides you there that makes you a bigger person because to do it you need to believe in something bigger than you.    

 

how to avoid an online creep

It’s no secret that I am an Apple aficionado and that I love my iPhone; it’s not legal (even in Massachusetts) but it’s true.  I love besting my Droid slinging friends with cooler applications and out-of-the-box-ready-to-go-ness of my products. 

My favorite applications are the ones where I can play games or keep up with my friends.  I’m very excited about Words with Friends where I can play a Scrabble-like game with people, phone-to-phone.  I have seven games going right now: five with friends, one with a co-worker I sit next to (never talk to and wouldn’t spit on if they were on fire) and one game with a complete stranger. 

I started a game with my friend Candace, one time Empress of Ethiopia, and we chatted and I thought it was strange that she didn’t know half of what I was talking about.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen Candace, we’ve known each other since the Bronze Age, so I can see forgetting some stuff.  I don’t think much of it until – on a dare from my sister – I use a word that is in no universe an appropriate one to use in mixed company but Candace has a sense of humor that would appreciate that word being used in Words with Friends.  I didn’t think it would take the word but it did. 

 Do you know that many people have the name Candace?  Did you also know that it’s possible that I know more than one Candace?  You’ve already jumped to the conclusion that despite me thinking the computer would over-ride me using the word, “boner” and it did not whilst I was playing a Candace who isn’t exactly my RA from University but another young lady – who is perhaps a bit more demure than the other Candace – that I did time with in Leavenworth.  

  I went into the chat and she said something that made me realize, “Hey, this isn’t the kind of girl who giggles when she sees the word boner.  Perhaps we shouldn’t have chosen this moment in time to succumb to peer pressures.”  I was really, truly embarrassed and it’s incredibly difficult for me to feel embarrassment or shame.  I sell cars now; I traded in my soul for a plaid jacket. 

The moral of the story kids is that we need to watch who we’re playing with when we’re on the Internet.  You never know what foul-mouthed creep you’ll run into.  

 

high fidelity

Picture it: Fort Knox High School, 1996, I’m in the auditorium sitting in the section for underclassmen with my friend Erin, despite being seniors.  We’re watching the school talent show and the talent was admittedly lacking and the frosh are unsparing in their critiques.  Our friend Amanda ascends the stage to sing an anthem to Jesus.  Erin and I lean forward and tell the frosh that one word against Amanda it would go badly for them, very badly.  Amanda is our good, decent friend who, while very different from us, is someone we guard closely and resent anyone trying to hurt her.  Fourteen years can change a great deal, but fidelity is fidelity. 

Chaos Bean and I went to the movies with Amanda tonight for Recession Tuesdays.  Amanda had her niece and younger cousin with her.  The movie may or may not have been appropriate for her niece but the niece spent her time playing on a phone and eating Skittles.  She didn’t notice, watch or care about the movie. 

On the way out of the movie some unsuspecting Austrian (or Bavarian) man decided to challenge Amanda on her choice to bring the niece to the movie saying, “Did you stop to think before bringing a small child to this movie?”  One might have warned him to stop and think before getting smart with Amanda around ‘us’ but mainly around Chaos Bean.  Amanda told him it was none of his business and he protested that saying that it was (somehow) his business. 

 Chaos Bean, is the consummate German, she is honest, direct, has a keen sense of justice, and amazingly efficient.  She was, as it were, loaded for bear and she unloaded all over this old man who thought he’d put his two cents in where they weren’t solicited.  Starting with, “Did you stop to think to mind your own business,” and then as he walked away mumbling and then shouting, “Idiots!” she called him, “lame,” and followed up with the strongest language, “it must be hard to walk with balls that big, douche bag.”  He mumbled again and she said, “Did you stop to think before you [insert German wartime atrocity]?”

You know how, after an argument, you think of what you should have said?  In our family we filibuster vigilantly.  We don’t have those moments you have where you think of what you might have said, what you should have said.  We say it.  We bring it. My apple fell under the Ashkenazi tree and hers fell under the aristocratic Prussian one.  I’ll hurt your feelings, get under your skin and make you cry.  Chaos Bean will shake the very foundations of the Earth.   

Bean doesn’t take garbage off anyone but she certainly isn’t going to take garbage off a Barbarian and certainly not a faux-German Austrian.  He was mistaken to get smart with someone around Chaos Bean and he’s lucky he walked away having directed his ire at Amanda.  This man walked up to us hoping to bully someone and shame them and instead had his proverbial pants put on.    

 Chaos Bean likes to say, “The hipsters are commenting about how that was ironic,” and the fact that was I wearing the black and gold of the German National Football Union (soccer team, for the uninitiated). 

What is impressive, most impressive, is that Darth Bean didn’t use stronger language.  She didn’t once use her beloved “F Bomb,” or in our eyesight fly the state bird of New Jersey.  She did, in so many words, tell him: where he could go, walked him to his bus stop, and pay his fare.  This guy is going to send post cards once he gets there.  I cannot underestimate the saltiness of her language – she doesn’t curse like a sailor; sailors curse like a Chaos Bean.  Amanda must have rubbed off on her pretty well because she let him have it – and have it hard – without using language that was untoward even if her closing was pretty awful. 

However, we are a bit concerned that someone has taken our Chaos Bean.  We’d like her back.  

The movie was unremarkable and at this point I have no idea what we watched. 

user name: spritopias

I’ve forgotten my password to get into my manufacturer’s training website.  It’s very secure and I’d like to congratulate the jerk that locked it down like it is Fort Knox or Buckingham Palace.  The absurdity of this situation is that I don’t know the answer to my security question to get be back into the system.  My choices are: my favorite sports star, my favorite childhood television show, my favorite television show, my favorite cartoon character, the best man/maid of honor at my wedding or my pet’s name.  Let’s discuss how genius those questions are. 

I don’t watch television, I don’t have a favorite sports star because I don’t care enough to have one, I haven’t been married and I didn’t have a dog when I was hired.  I could make one up but will I remember that later?  Also, and this is more important, if I were a normal human being you’d know that it was the Golden Girls, Battlestar Galactica, Alex Rodriquez, Fry, Alex Vance, and Molly Ringworm.  It’s on my Facebook, we’d have talked about it around the water cooler, something…but probably not going to know my mother’s maiden name. 

 I mean, if you’ve been following along you know that I’d have put Beelzebub, Hapsburg, or something similar - but it’s unlikely that you’d guess what I put or care. 

 You’re also not going to break into the manufacturer’s training site and do my tests for me – not that I’d stop you or care.  I’m starting to think that I put Jay Z as my favorite sports star because he can make a Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can.  If you want to do my tests for me, I’d appreciate it because I have to know a bunch of things you won’t ask me when you come in to buy a car. 

 My favorite one, from another site completely, is, “Who did your best friend lose their virginity to?”  It really should be, “To whom did your best friend lose their virginity?”  Or, “What dirty whore gave it up to that scumbag you call a homie?”  Also, my best friend is a little more discrete and less indelicate about things like that.  So I remember how to get my password back I ended up answering, “Your Mom.” 

 I can’t decide what’s more offensive to me: the question or the bad grammar in which said question is posed. 

 My point is this: there are so many sites you have to have complicated passwords to and I honestly doubt anyone is so incredibly bored that they’re hacking into my life (my debit card excluded) and taking my tests for me.  I don’t know who people think I am or what their website is but I’d bet people don’t care enough to hack into my lameness. 

The tragedy is that beyond their incredible security hoops I can save my passwords and had a passive aggressive coworker not set my computer to not remember passwords or security protocols I wouldn’t have to bother with it, because really – how secure are you if you let me save the password in the first place? 

For the record, my mother’s made name is Mephistopheles – but the key is remembering that correct spelling.  

Relentless

Yesterday, after a brief audience with Colonel Sanders, Emperor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky I gained a dispensation to leave before the end of the Derby Festival and upon receiving it fled to Colorado. I've been in Denver and the surrounding environs and will get about forty-eight solid hours in. I always enjoy traveling in Colorado in general and Denver specifically. Approaching Denver is like approaching the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz. It rises out of no where and presents it's impressive skyline to the traveler and seems to welcome them in from the austere loneliness of the surrounding farms and ranches.

So far, this trip has been a brilliant success. My boss insisted that I take some time off and relax but I think I should introduce him to Emily or let I'm spend the day with her. I enjoy visiting Emily because you'll have a full day, everyday. I think she has Carpe Diem tattooed on the back of her eyelids.

Today we went to the Furry Scurry which benefits the Dumb Friends Society which I was surprised to find out had to do with animals. I spent the entire ride over wondering why - if the friends were dumb - you'd want to or would be able to help a friend who was stupid. We walked around a park for an hour with a herd of corgis and helped raise (I think) over a million dollars for homeless pets the Denver area.

Emily's corgi needs companionship during the day and there was a co-jack (Corgi, Jack Russell mixed) in need of adoption. We headed put to the shelter and Emily and Ginny made their introductions with the yet to be named Co-Jack.

Ginny is a very spirited and relentless corgi. She is a furry creamsicle of energy. She's also an only canine and one can never really know how they'll react to someone being introduced into their pack. Ginny was initially cool to the puppy and perhaps a wee bit annoyed at his Russell-tactic-ness (if that wasn't an all out assault on our language, what is?). The-puppy-who-must-not-be-named is currently being tolerated by Ginny and she'd like me to note that its the puppy who should not be petted, played with, held, talked to, noticed, fed, watered or walked. She's currently occupying her old bed so that her little brother cannot use it (live with it, Ginny, he's staying).

After the trip to the shelter we went through the foothills because it is too cold for us to willingly wander into the mountains. We went to Morrison, Idledale, and Evergreen. If there is am ugly part of Colorado I've not been there. We were able to walk Ginny and Puppy-who-hasn't-yet-been-named around and it didn't wear them out at all. Corgis are relentless, even Co-Jacks. We were able to see sights, buy candy, and do the "trip to Colorado isn't complete without a" wine tasting. Normally, I like all the winds and tumble down the mountain but this time I noticed some of the subtle differences and what I don't like in a wine. Emily noted that she was noticing the different notes in they wine herself - I lack her vocabulary (and refinement).

The fun after returning Emily's home wasn't the Ginny & Ginny show, where the delightful and jovial corgi runs circles around the world and makes watching a goofy movie with a bottle of wine an event all its own. Instead, we had a sociology lesson from the dejected and jealous corgi as she responded with all the aplomb of an eighth grade girl who's just announced that she hates her parents and the whole world is against her. She looked ten times more hurt than when I leave my Molly in the morning to go to work. She was cool with the puppy when they were hanging out but was horrified when she realized he was staying. It was cute, funny and very sad. If you're reading this Molly, I'll never do that to you.

Tomorrow I return to the Commonwealth, my only instructions being from the Colonel that I shouldn't have anyone else's chicken on my breath. Most of the time when you leave a place after a vacation you'll note that it was a nice place but you wouldn't want to live there. Colorado isn't that place. I hope to grow up, get a real job, and move to Colorado.