The Fourth of July is a time for us to trot out our faux patriotism but I am going to trot out some resolutions. The Fourth is just a good a time as any. I’m going to get back to teaching, that’s my resolution. In the meantime, as I have no students to abuse, I will abuse you with a little lesson.
For the love of Beyonce Knowles, there is a difference between, “virtually,” and “literally.” ‘Virtually,’ means “almost, but not quite.” Example? This post is virtually like ‘The Oatmeal’ but isn’t that clever. ‘Literally,’ is used for emphasis and to verify that you are, in fact, not shitting someone. Example? I literally become enraged when people confuse homophones and heteroglyphs in their writing. When in doubt don’t use either word, just shut up.
In fact, shutting up more would be a great way for me to look less stupid but Mark Twain said, “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt,” I think Mark Twain is a sanctimonious prick but really I’m just jealous that he got to be a professional sanctimonious prick and I only get to do it as a hobby.
I’m virtually a professional smartass but Mark Twain literally was.
Ideals and Ideas are not interchangeable. Folksy isn’t cute or endearing; it’s why everyone likes Michelle Bachmann more than Sarah Palin. Ideas are the things roaming around in our brains, you may not have one and that is why you get the words confused. Example? I have a great idea: there is a medication for this guy’s problem. Let’s take up a collection so he can go on his meds. An ‘ideal’ is either something expressed in perfection, a really good example or sometimes a belief. Example? George Washington was the ideal president because he generally stayed beyond the partisan fray.
The ideal situation is one where we can express our ideas clearly to one another so there is no misunderstanding.
The second thing I’d like you to wrap your brain around are some commonly misspelled words and phrases. I read status updates on Facebook and tweets on Twitter and have a hard time understanding people.
It’s good riddance, not “good riddens,” unless there is something called a ‘riddens’ and it’s quite good.
“A lot,” is two words (not one) while oddly enough, “motherfucker” is one word instead of two. You shouldn’t be using either of those words if at all possible. If Chaos Bean isn’t using it I have no idea why you need to run out and do it.
There isn’t an ‘r’ in wash, washing, or Washington.
'Jew' is a noun, not a verb, and while the English language is incredibly malleable in that regard if you have a friend (me) who is Jewish in the religious, cultural, or biological sense it comes across as incredibly rude and borderline hateful. I realize that in the proper context I do that but it’s the same principle as people of African descent using the “n” word. They say it and you cannot. If it is improper to say the ‘n’ word, retard, and gay then it is probable that Jews be afforded the same respect. Also, if we’re really as powerful and good with money as you claim we are why do you want to be on our bad side. I realize that my use of it is bad and I should stop but there are some many vices I need to jettison before I get to that one. This is one of the things that will get you on my list, forever.
I need to learn the difference between affect and effect; I know I’m not perfect. I’m not asking you to finally use ‘who,’ and ‘whom,’ correctly: these are simple things and while they’re not as exciting as watching rednecks turn left for the three hours it is still important.
Unfortunately, this post will be commented on by dozens of people who will pull out their best invective knee slappers full of language abuse. Emily will most likely start this, she always does, but we all have our prejudices when it comes to language use and these are the ones I hold dear.
You can use prepositions at the end of sentences – there is no codified rule about that – and you can use double negatives for emphasis; both require the same amount of skill required to properly engage a semi-colon. I realize that wasn’t germane to what we were talking about but Germaine wanted me to bring it up.
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