Caustically Optimistic

high fidelity

Picture it: Fort Knox High School, 1996, I’m in the auditorium sitting in the section for underclassmen with my friend Erin, despite being seniors.  We’re watching the school talent show and the talent was admittedly lacking and the frosh are unsparing in their critiques.  Our friend Amanda ascends the stage to sing an anthem to Jesus.  Erin and I lean forward and tell the frosh that one word against Amanda it would go badly for them, very badly.  Amanda is our good, decent friend who, while very different from us, is someone we guard closely and resent anyone trying to hurt her.  Fourteen years can change a great deal, but fidelity is fidelity. 

Chaos Bean and I went to the movies with Amanda tonight for Recession Tuesdays.  Amanda had her niece and younger cousin with her.  The movie may or may not have been appropriate for her niece but the niece spent her time playing on a phone and eating Skittles.  She didn’t notice, watch or care about the movie. 

On the way out of the movie some unsuspecting Austrian (or Bavarian) man decided to challenge Amanda on her choice to bring the niece to the movie saying, “Did you stop to think before bringing a small child to this movie?”  One might have warned him to stop and think before getting smart with Amanda around ‘us’ but mainly around Chaos Bean.  Amanda told him it was none of his business and he protested that saying that it was (somehow) his business. 

 Chaos Bean, is the consummate German, she is honest, direct, has a keen sense of justice, and amazingly efficient.  She was, as it were, loaded for bear and she unloaded all over this old man who thought he’d put his two cents in where they weren’t solicited.  Starting with, “Did you stop to think to mind your own business,” and then as he walked away mumbling and then shouting, “Idiots!” she called him, “lame,” and followed up with the strongest language, “it must be hard to walk with balls that big, douche bag.”  He mumbled again and she said, “Did you stop to think before you [insert German wartime atrocity]?”

You know how, after an argument, you think of what you should have said?  In our family we filibuster vigilantly.  We don’t have those moments you have where you think of what you might have said, what you should have said.  We say it.  We bring it. My apple fell under the Ashkenazi tree and hers fell under the aristocratic Prussian one.  I’ll hurt your feelings, get under your skin and make you cry.  Chaos Bean will shake the very foundations of the Earth.   

Bean doesn’t take garbage off anyone but she certainly isn’t going to take garbage off a Barbarian and certainly not a faux-German Austrian.  He was mistaken to get smart with someone around Chaos Bean and he’s lucky he walked away having directed his ire at Amanda.  This man walked up to us hoping to bully someone and shame them and instead had his proverbial pants put on.    

 Chaos Bean likes to say, “The hipsters are commenting about how that was ironic,” and the fact that was I wearing the black and gold of the German National Football Union (soccer team, for the uninitiated). 

What is impressive, most impressive, is that Darth Bean didn’t use stronger language.  She didn’t once use her beloved “F Bomb,” or in our eyesight fly the state bird of New Jersey.  She did, in so many words, tell him: where he could go, walked him to his bus stop, and pay his fare.  This guy is going to send post cards once he gets there.  I cannot underestimate the saltiness of her language – she doesn’t curse like a sailor; sailors curse like a Chaos Bean.  Amanda must have rubbed off on her pretty well because she let him have it – and have it hard – without using language that was untoward even if her closing was pretty awful. 

However, we are a bit concerned that someone has taken our Chaos Bean.  We’d like her back.  

The movie was unremarkable and at this point I have no idea what we watched. 

Defiance

I saw Defiance with my friend Leslie from the campaign.  It’s against my morals to sneak candy into the movie theater, and really I have so few, so I stopped at Kroger and picked up Reece’s Pieces and Sour Patch Kids for Leslie and I.  I needed a soda and since I am a boy who doesn’t carry a purse I had to buy one inside – this is the equalizer to my sneaking in candy: the soda cost $4.25.  I looked at the soda and said, “Michael,” the clerk’s name, “this is too small!  You should have up-sold me!”  Much grumbling ensued and he took the extra quarter dollar it took to make the soda a reasonable size for the price of twenty-four sodas at Kroger.  I concluded with, “Thank you, Michael, have a nice day.”  There is nothing stranger to me than using the person’s name on the nametag as if I know them in a scolding manner.  Mainly because I never scolded my students, I never had ridiculous problems from them like that.  Michael, you’re an idiot. 

The movie had a lot of elements I was afraid of in a movie: Nazis without Indiana Jones, subtitles, and ‘based on a true story.’  However, they managed to tell a true story in a way that was honest, shooting Nazis is an acceptable pastime (even Dick Cheney will cap one in the face), and the subtitles were few and far between.  The movie ended on a note that was alternately happy and historically accurate which is all that a person can ask for in life. 

For instance, Casey didn’t like Elisabeth Jurchen: The Golden Age because it wasn’t dramatic enough but I liked it because it was historically accurate.  You have no idea how many times I’ve seen a Jurchen thrash someone screaming, “my [five letter word for female dogs, starts with ‘b’] wear my collars!”  The Jurchen aren’t dramatic but they’re deadly in their effectiveness.  It’s all in how you are raised and what your morals are, those suit mine.  One of the most important things to know is how to take everyday conversation and turn it into a history lesson about the Jurchen. 

What I want to know, and I rarely comment on cinematography because I feel I expose my ignorance enough already, is this: how do they cast the actor fitting the bill of, ‘creepy date-rape guy with bad teeth.’  Who reads the script – and it has to describe it that way – and says, “you know what, I do look like someone people cross the street to avoid, excepting dentists who want to know how they can bilk me for all I’m worth?”  Who does that?  I realize that some people are good actors and can turn it around and make your skin crawl.  Other people just naturally appear like the person who’d make you reach for the whistle or mace in your pocket.  Who takes that job?  The guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld certainly felt typecast but there are worse things that being the wacky neighbor.  I’d hate to spend the rest of my career being the person who made you put on another pair of underwear in the morning.  

Magic, It's Everywhere!

This is the Harry Potter Special Edition of the “Dueling Posts” broadcast between Suburban Island and Caustically Optimistic. Both authors discuss the same topic from their divergent points of view to give you a fuller view of the question at hand. If you would like to be a part of July’s Dueling Post drop either author an email or comment and we will include you in the process. First a video, then onto our story

Magic, It’s Everywhere

Like many people half my age I am excited about the impending release of not just Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I realize that I am fifteen years too old to be enjoying these books and while I could mask that with being a teacher and a writer I have to admit that I really do enjoy the story and mythology as much as the elements of fiction contained in the story and analyzing the text. I love gathering with Emily and other friends and hiking into the Forest of Nerds to our spot, past the Lord of the Rings fans but not quite to the Star Trek convention, to discuss the story, characters and our impressions and predictions.

I was first attracted to the books because of the controversy surrounding them. The same people who had been weaned on Bewtiched and The Wizard of Oz were suddenly, rabidly opposed to this book. If I know anything about Adolescent Literature I know that when adults come out against a book in force, it is a good sign that it will be a popular item with children. I know that my goal for my book once published is to offend Tipper Gore, Lynn Cheney and James Dobson simultaneously so that I can be an unparalleled success. What then was in this book that was so terrible that it needed to be taken away from children? That it should be banned, burned and discarded for other books?

I have read them all, some several times. I have found nothing in there that should create the hysteria that these books have. I have found a story that uses magic as a frame to house the story of children growing up and a classic story of good verses evil that is rivaled in adherence to the textbook hero story only by Star Wars. Often as a teacher of reading I am challenged on having the books in my classroom and I answer that challenge – and am willing to remove them from my room if this challenge is met: if you find me another series of 800 page books in British English that children fight over reading then I certainly will replace Harry Potter with your books.

They try and give me The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because that story is an allegory but considering the lack of depth in plot, character and mythology I can only call it an alle-snorey, it should be also be noted that witchcraft is present in this book as well. They try and give me the Lord of the Rings, which is oft over the student's heads, but is also an allegory despite having the same elements of magic that make Mr. Potter so offending. The Narnia Series and the Lord of the Rings are in my classroom as well, but Harry Potter is the big man on campus wherever he arrives.

The magic of Harry Potter isn’t the magic but it is how young people, and people who think they are young people, relate to the story of growing up. Readers enjoy the human characters they can relate to themselves and their friends, the plots that remind them of their own lives and realize better than we do that the magic is just the engine that drives the train.

What are my predictions about the book coming out twenty-five days from press of this posting? I compiled these with Emily’s help, editing and excellence in Potter Trivia (she got all N.E.W.T.s).

Harry vs. Voldemort
I am conflicted on this issue because while American authors feel compelled to end each story happily European ones do not necessarily feel this urge. However, these are books for children – children growing up during a time of increased awareness of terror in their lives – and I think Rowling will end this book with Harry winning. The prophecies seem to indicate the question’s answer being either/or and in this case I would put my money on Harry. However, we would have already given Rowling our money and I guess we cannot return a book or get a refund for disliking the ending, can we? I don’t think Rowling would do that.

Also, Emily and I have ascertained that the Death Eaters are really terribly incompetent. The best example we can think of is that in the first book – and following books – protections against Voldemort and his followers were frequently bypassed by the children and not by the adults they were intended to keep out.

Other Children Dying
I am going to bet against Hermione or Ron dying in the books for the same reason I do not think Rowling would kill Harry, but like any Star Trek Away Team I would expect anyone unattractive or ethnic to bite the dust. Neville? Cho Chang? Your numbers are up. Cedric Diggory dying was tragic in the story but he was not a huge character until that book. I expect that Neville’s development and usefulness in the last few books will bring him to prominence and then death. Emily notes that Neville being the other possible child from the prophecy also qualifies him for death, even if it were just a precaution. Cho Chang or Ginny Weasley – being close and beloved to Harry – makes them marks as much as their ethnicity and unattractiveness.

Dumbledore (and Snape)
Dumbledore isn’t dead, completely. Rowling said there would be no Gandalf moment where he’d be resurrected – and someone resurrecting from the dead would really set the Christians off. Emily and I believe his animagus is a phoenix and that is why a phoenix rose at his funeral – in some shape or form Dumbledore will still remain with Harry – not unlike Obi Wan remained with Luke in Star Wars.

Dumbledore pled for mercy from Snape when he was killed and while I do not like Snape I also hold out hope that people – real and fictional – are redeemable. Snape could have been in cahoots with the Headmaster, allowing him to remain ‘good’ and uphold his oath to Lady Malfoy to help Draco Malfoy kill the Headmaster.

I think that Dumbledore, like Obi Wan and Jesus, knew the power that Good has over death and that their deaths are not permanent. Obi Wan and Jesus prepared themselves to die at the hands of their prodigies knowing they could better serve their other followers that way. In Chamber of Secrets Dumbledore says that he will not leave Hogwarts as long as there are people still loyal to him there. Emily also reminds us that Dumbledore tells Voldemort that there are things worse than death in Order of the Phoenix.

Snape is duplicitous and this could be another clever turn on his part or genuine treachery. Emily believes Snape is evil and opportunistic and I would like to see him ‘good’ in the end. We have to remember that Lupin defends James Potter and Sirius Black’s bullying by telling Harry that Snape was no “innocent victim.” Many death eaters, most notoriously the Malfoys, recanted or helped the Order of the Phoenix – but were really still servants of the Dark Lord. I will grudgingly side with Emily because she is the Potter Scholar and better judge of character (real and imagined) but keep my fingers crossed behind my back that Rowling pulls out some genius move with Snape.

Hogwarts
Hogwarts will reopen, under the leadership of Minerva McGonagall. The office opens to her – and only respects the real Headmaster or Headmistress of Hogwarts – so there is little question to her leadership of the school. I would also submit that despite it all the school is still the safest place for the children. Emily thinks that once Voldemort is defeated the school will reopen, I would think sooner for literary continuity – but we are unsure if Harry will return.

Will Harry become an Auror?
He would have to return to school and get N.E.W.T.S on all core subjects to be admitted for formal Auror training. However, for ease of storytelling, I think the school will close and Harry will join the Order of the Phoenix and fight the Death Eaters. He may not become a formal Auror but I am certain that he will, at the least, perform the duties of one in his mission. McGonagall and the other members of the Order are well aware of the prophecy and also know what Harry must do; they’ll train and teach him, protect and guide him. Ultimately – as she promised – McGonagall will train Harry to fight the Death Eaters and Voldemort. Hermione and Ron won’t leave his side – and I am sure that will be a subplot to watch.

Who learns magic late in life?
This was a hard one for Emily and I to answer. We considered Dudley and Petunia – but they are obviously Muggles and I am not sure that Dudley is in ‘late life.’ I would hate to see Uncle Vernon receive redeeming qualities. Hagrid knows magic, does magic, but how much magic does he know? Could the ability to do magic and a need for formal training be two issues? Hagrid learned something but his training is incomplete – otherwise he would have been implicated in the Order of the Phoenix. Cornelius Fudge has yet to show redeeming qualities, so it could be him.

I would put money on Hagrid learning a few tricks. When they have wanted to Dumbledore and McGonagall have bent rules for the greater good – and to protect and promote Harry – and Hagrid would be a good candidate for greater literary glory. This could also be the end of him.

Harry and Ginny
Will Harry marry Ginny Weasley? This question has been obvious since the beginning. They had the beginnings of a romance and that will return after the Dark Lord dies but considering the timeline of events Harry Potter will eventually come to America to defeat Hillary Clinton, when this happens he will meet and fall in love with Emily and they will live happily ever after. Besides, it is weird to date your best friend’s sister.

So tell us, what do you think?

Dukes of Hazard

The reviews are in: The Dukes of Hazard is a terrible movie. The stock complaints about the movie are that it is sexual, crude, and makes the southern United States look bad. Starting with such genius as the original television series, I have a hard time believing that we ended up with something like this. I refuse to see it!

I cannot understand how a movie staring Jessica Simpson, Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, and Willie Nelson could go so terribly wrong. When I think of “intelligent cinema,” Jessica Simpson, Seann William Scoot and Johnny Knoxville pop right into my mind and if you were to ask for just intelligent, Jessica Simpson is the first woman I think of, who else would dare to ask the great questions of the day, “is it chicken or is it tuna?” I mean, when she is the smartest person in the room that is saying something – usually monosyllabic.