Caustically Optimistic

astronaut diapers

In preparing to visit Texas I've made a list because I have to plan to plan because planning is succeeding and also terribly annoying.  I first needed to list what I'll list and then fill in the attendant lists then type the lists and check them for accuracy and then print them and hand serve them to anyone I've deputized on the lists and also email the lists so they're forever burned into the memory of the internet and this step also removes the ability to claim plausible deniability.

The list to prepare for this trip includes: pre-flight checklist, what to pack, itinerary, contacts and blessings, provisions, maps, worst case scenarios, in-flight entertainment, and structured activities for free time.

 A pre-flight checklist is pretty self-explanatory: what needs to happen to the car before we take off for Texas?  I need to get an oil change, tire rotation and complementary pre- trip inspection at the dealer.  It's important that I give he dealer a good chance to fleece me before I leave town.  If they didn't go over one hundred twenty points on the car they might miss out on hundreds of dollars of unneeded service work.  I also need to get the car's interior cleaned because it's pretty filthy.

Then, I have to consider what to pack.  I am going to need to bring underwear, lots and lot of underwear.  My first college roommate lives in the same city as Amy – who is traveling with me – and that roommate has a fetish for my underwear and I need to have enough underwear for him, and for me.  The last time I went to see Amy we had to buy underwear in the middle of the trip.  I may also need extra clothes to change in and out of, pajamas for sleeping and for the Hugh Hefner party Kevin is throwing in Oklahoma, City.  While I write this I realize that underwear was a huge fetish at my college, not just for my roommate but also for others.  My friend Tracey lives in constant fear that a sasquatch is going to steal her panties and advised me on more than one occasion to split my underwear up and hide them around my room in case it was raided.  What is wrong with you, Concordia?  Even Alex Vance is setting this aside in the list of, “no one wants this Photoshop!” 

Our itinerary is another issue. We like to stop along the way and have our photo made by the strange and horrible things that towns set up to lure people away from the interstate.  We also need to plan our trip along a reasonable route where we’ll get there quickly and with time to see our friend Kevin along the way as well.  While in Dallas we will also need a way to fill our time that is not spent visiting our sick friend, as she’ll need to rest and her husband works – whatever that is.  A co-worker suggested taking in a Dallas Cowboys game and as I know so much about football the idea seems as exciting as witnessing a live birth.  Also, I’m not an expert in how the National Football League schedules its games but I positive they don’t do things on demand.  That’s Gail. 

Before we leave on any trip together, because we cause mayhem wherever we are together, we need the blessing of our RA: the mighty Candace of Jurchen.  I have sent an offering to her and requested her blessing, I even sent a token of appreciation to her sister who is formidable but not quite as powerful.  We also had to ask Matt permission to visit and find out how to contact the people we need to along the way for our trip to be successful.  I also arranged the day off at work, which has put out a lot of people who I now owe favors or have called in all my chips.  Nicole and especially Matthew are absolutely any offering unto the Jurchen and any concession to the conglomerate that employs me.  We also petitioned the State Department for permission to leave the United States.   

We also needed to be provisioned for the trip.  Unleaded Dr. Pepper for me, leaded for her and a host of snacks that will remain unopened.  We always get a bunch of stuff and never touch it – and by ‘we’ I may have meant ‘I.’ Amy and I also stop to eat so we can stretch and use a bathroom we think is clean.  We have very strict rules about where we eat.  The chicken, if we eat chicken, must be white meat and they must serve Coke products.  Exceptions are made for Star Wars kids meals as they almost always come with Dr. Pepper (an exception to every rule!).  We tend to prefer Cracker Barrel but we eat at Denny’s because it’s free.  Amy and I enjoy Chinese food but you can never trust it; it’s a long trip and we don’t have Astronaut diapers – Bryan took those, too. 

In flight entertainment means that I have to come up with corny mix tapes of music for the trip, while Amy finds a book on a tape for us to listen to (or not).  We also need games to eat our time on the hours and hours between corny roadside attractions, and seeing Kevin.  Our mission isn’t a happy one and it’s essential that we don’t make the trip a crescendo to a very hard good-bye.  Mad-libs and Harry Potter on CD might lessen the fostering anxiety.  The most important thing we always do is maintain a record of every important event and present it to Matthew upon the completion of what we’re doing.  Amy and I have been doing this for over ten years and somewhere Matt has all these records treasured up in case there is ever a shortage of toilet paper. 

I skipped worse case scenarios because we like to dream those up on the way and in the car.  We’ll report back with the top ten horrible things that could, and should, have happened.  This will be in the record. 

In fact, we’ll be making a list on the trip of things we need to tell you about immediately and after we return.  Stay tuned.  

Defiance

I saw Defiance with my friend Leslie from the campaign.  It’s against my morals to sneak candy into the movie theater, and really I have so few, so I stopped at Kroger and picked up Reece’s Pieces and Sour Patch Kids for Leslie and I.  I needed a soda and since I am a boy who doesn’t carry a purse I had to buy one inside – this is the equalizer to my sneaking in candy: the soda cost $4.25.  I looked at the soda and said, “Michael,” the clerk’s name, “this is too small!  You should have up-sold me!”  Much grumbling ensued and he took the extra quarter dollar it took to make the soda a reasonable size for the price of twenty-four sodas at Kroger.  I concluded with, “Thank you, Michael, have a nice day.”  There is nothing stranger to me than using the person’s name on the nametag as if I know them in a scolding manner.  Mainly because I never scolded my students, I never had ridiculous problems from them like that.  Michael, you’re an idiot. 

The movie had a lot of elements I was afraid of in a movie: Nazis without Indiana Jones, subtitles, and ‘based on a true story.’  However, they managed to tell a true story in a way that was honest, shooting Nazis is an acceptable pastime (even Dick Cheney will cap one in the face), and the subtitles were few and far between.  The movie ended on a note that was alternately happy and historically accurate which is all that a person can ask for in life. 

For instance, Casey didn’t like Elisabeth Jurchen: The Golden Age because it wasn’t dramatic enough but I liked it because it was historically accurate.  You have no idea how many times I’ve seen a Jurchen thrash someone screaming, “my [five letter word for female dogs, starts with ‘b’] wear my collars!”  The Jurchen aren’t dramatic but they’re deadly in their effectiveness.  It’s all in how you are raised and what your morals are, those suit mine.  One of the most important things to know is how to take everyday conversation and turn it into a history lesson about the Jurchen. 

What I want to know, and I rarely comment on cinematography because I feel I expose my ignorance enough already, is this: how do they cast the actor fitting the bill of, ‘creepy date-rape guy with bad teeth.’  Who reads the script – and it has to describe it that way – and says, “you know what, I do look like someone people cross the street to avoid, excepting dentists who want to know how they can bilk me for all I’m worth?”  Who does that?  I realize that some people are good actors and can turn it around and make your skin crawl.  Other people just naturally appear like the person who’d make you reach for the whistle or mace in your pocket.  Who takes that job?  The guy who played Kramer on Seinfeld certainly felt typecast but there are worse things that being the wacky neighbor.  I’d hate to spend the rest of my career being the person who made you put on another pair of underwear in the morning.