Focus

Today I was cleaning out the closet in my room and I found the first Lego set I ever purchased.  That was at least twenty-five years ago, I’ve kept all the important pieces.  It’s a castle with knights, archers, and soldiers.  It’s called a “King’s Castle” but it didn’t come with a king, queen, courtiers or even a token damsel for distress.  I remember the trip to Montgomery, Alabama’s Toys R Us to get the set, putting it together and my mother rearranging things in the living room so it could be proudly displayed there.  When I was done with this castle it would go back into the box.  The horses, but they’re the only pieces gone.  That’s an accomplishment. 

Two things came out of finding this set.  I encountered something from my past that didn’t provoke any negative feelings and when that didn’t happen organically my mother didn’t take the opportunity to provoke them herself.  One of my goals or resolutions this year isn’t to find happiness, contentment, solace, or peace.  It’s all around me.  My resolution for 2012 is to stop letting other people ruin it for me.

Bud Potter says that being happy is a choice.  It’s not an easy choice because being unhappy is easier.  When I went to dinner with the people I used to teach with I could have focused on how the assistant principal who was terrible to everyone for sport showed up (did anyone want to see her?) or I could have focused on how nice it was to see Sandy, and to see Sandy out in the wide world enjoying herself.  When my mother talks about how I’m not apart of her family I can focus instead on the people who’ve chosen to have me in their lives instead. 

Really, the honor of being Alexandra’s godfather eclipses the unfortunate brightness of the array of ginger-cousin’s hair; picking up a spare faux-nephew and niece in the bargain isn’t bad either.  I don’t think I have time or heart left for family after contending with the avalanche of personality in those three.  Even if I were welcome on the maternal side of my family the paternal is much cooler, literate, active, and Aunt Stefanie always has bacon at her house.  The summer vacation I had with Doug, Valerie and their younger kids was the best vacation I’ve ever had – and all we did was watch elephants bathe.  Whenever I talk to Doug, Valerie, Jon or Melissa they ask, “when are you coming home” and, “when will you visit,” (respectively).  In the ten years since I’ve not been a part of the family no one has said either of those things.  It’s easier to hear what’s not being said but I should listen to what is being said.  Home is where your heart is because it’s where you’re wanted.  I was happier in Phoenix because I was wanted and needed there, not someone who was merely tolerated, barely. 

I’ll make the hard choice to be happy.  My heart is fighting me on the idea of surviving 2012 but I think fighting through to being happy will help.  Also, “The King’s Castle,” shouldn’t just be plastic blocks in my closet my heart – which I am hoping to bend to my will – should bend to the King’s will.  How much happier would I be if I left God in charge?  Following Him isn’t easy, but I don’t do easy things, women, or recipes.  Why I should I stop there?  When people roll their eyes at that or make snide remarks I’m reminded of how important it really is and I hope for those people that they find out but don’t really ever have to know.  When I hear people question God’s power or the place of faith in our lives I remember when we all held our breath, lowered our eyes, and broke our hearts when Siena wasn’t well.  When I was told that she coded I initially lost my composure and I may have thrown up in my classroom while teaching (it’s why we have so many rubbish bins about the room).  If you knew this perfectly extraordinary girl you’d never question there was a God in Heaven.   

Sandy reminds me that everyone has a cheering section and that no matter what difficulty you’re working through there is always time to be there for others.  Christ told us to love and serve God and each other.  If I know someone who could take a day off from her duty to her fellow humans it is Sandy, I’m thankful for that.  Alexandra (and cortege) should in reality present a responsibility but being a pastor’s kid’s Godfather is really an emeritus position and serves more to keep me in line than anything for her and I’m beholden to her not to divulge my base instincts.  My mother’s mother is alive today because I hold my tongue for the Al Hanjamin.  Christmas should teach us the power of infants and toddlers but it’s easy to forget.

I have the smaller resolution that I’m going be organized in my space this year and shed some of the things I don’t need.  Reorganizing the ‘castle’ I live in caused me to find the castle I used to play with as a child and reminded of whose castle it really should be.  I hate it when my blog sounds preachy or like someone else’s but in the end if I write out my resolutions here someone will keep me accountable.  It worked, for the most part, in 2011.  The resolutions I didn’t succeed in were at least worked on. 

Focusing on happiness, on where happiness is, will help 2012 (and beyond) be exponentially better than years past.