Caustically Optimistic

Kianauts

I am happy to report that the United States Government is not the only one wasting tax money.  I heard on NPR (I know, a new-source of ill repute!) that the Government of South Korea had spent money to find a way to make kimchi fit for space-travel.  Apparently, gamma rays in space will mix with the bacteria in the kimchi and making it do something we’d hear from Melody about from a Science Fiction entertainment and kill the cosmonauts and astronauts in the space station.  Either that or it’d do something to the bacteria and it would come back to Earth and kill us all or mutate the humans. 

According to NPR the Koreans cannot live without kimchi.  I think the Koreans need to toughen up but I don’t pay taxes in Korea so who I am to judge?  I just hope they have Hyundai making their spaceship and not Kia; the poor bastard won’t make it to the stratosphere in a Kia and they would have wasted all that money on irradiated cabbages.   Yes that is what they did: they irradiated the kimchi so it wouldn’t have the bacteria that make kimchi, kimchi.  Essentially, they put it in the microwave for a couple of minutes and everything was fine.  One of my art professors at the University once said that some of the best things in Art happened on accident and perhaps this is true as well about science – I think he was wrong but he has a classroom and I do not so I’ll keep my opinions to myself.  No, no I won’t. 

I have no idea what you’d call a Korean astronaut or cosmonaut.  I’d call them a Kianaut since that is what I am alleging they’ll be strapped to.  I will delete all the comments that will come flooding in about how people have a Kia and love it or that they’re reliable or safe.  I know that some of them have high safety ratings but those come from the government – the same geniuses that brought us our economic situation, the Iraq war, unmitigated climate change, and a world-class public transportation network.  Okay, we don’t have the last one but I think you’re getting my point: they’re not exactly good what they do, or don’t do. 

Also, you do not love that Kia: you love what you paid for it.  I can’t wait to see you try and trade that bucket in.  I had a Saturn once and I would have told you that I loved it.  I would have sworn up and down that I loved that Saturn, but I am a liar and I was lying then.  I was very happy with the Saturn.  I was very happy that I wasn’t walking. I did not love it.  I wouldn’t want to be strapped to it and ride all the way to Connecticut again or from Connecticut to Arizona and I wouldn’t want to be strapped to it and shot into space.  I am sure the trade-in value of the Saturn directly correlates to the amount of change stuffed in the cushions and their ability to take the tires off the car and put them on another vehicle. 

And I wouldn’t want to go to space anyway, not if there is radiation that could somehow make kimchi worse.  Methinks the Korean government is actually using kimchi to control its people – both in the north and the south, around the world, and if they let it go into space it might lose its opiate qualities and allow the Korean Kianauts to see the truth.  They’d come back to earth and they’d free their enslaved brethren that have hitherto been drugged into believing that their government was good and kimchi was edible.  Don’t laugh, Australia, I know what you’re up to with the vegemite.  I’m very hard to fool.

 I just don’t see the point in going into space: we already have Tang and Velcro.  What else are we going to find in space?  They’re always telling us that we find a lot of inventions in getting ready to go to space and in going to space.  Considering our current situation the time of having so much money to waste on earth meant needing to waste it in space as well are long gone.  Why do we need to go into space?  Do we need to go to Mars?  We don’t need to bring back Martians for day labor or to outsource our jobs to Mars; going to Jupiter would be stupider.  Going to space to say we did it is stupid.  I’ve done a lot of things to do them and to say that I’ve done them and, ‘for science.’ 

Anyone who reads this knows that I do a lot of stupid things and if I am any example to anyone, if I’ve brought anything to the world through the work of my writing it should be this:  I am an idiot.  I do dumb, dumb things.  I am not an example to follow.  So please, lets not send the Kianauts into space, it seems foolhardy at best.  I’m also pretty confident, as confident as I am about anything, that kimchi and Tang being separately disgusting will not mix together very well at all. 

 

Magic, It's Everywhere!

This is the Harry Potter Special Edition of the “Dueling Posts” broadcast between Suburban Island and Caustically Optimistic. Both authors discuss the same topic from their divergent points of view to give you a fuller view of the question at hand. If you would like to be a part of July’s Dueling Post drop either author an email or comment and we will include you in the process. First a video, then onto our story

Magic, It’s Everywhere

Like many people half my age I am excited about the impending release of not just Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows but the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I realize that I am fifteen years too old to be enjoying these books and while I could mask that with being a teacher and a writer I have to admit that I really do enjoy the story and mythology as much as the elements of fiction contained in the story and analyzing the text. I love gathering with Emily and other friends and hiking into the Forest of Nerds to our spot, past the Lord of the Rings fans but not quite to the Star Trek convention, to discuss the story, characters and our impressions and predictions.

I was first attracted to the books because of the controversy surrounding them. The same people who had been weaned on Bewtiched and The Wizard of Oz were suddenly, rabidly opposed to this book. If I know anything about Adolescent Literature I know that when adults come out against a book in force, it is a good sign that it will be a popular item with children. I know that my goal for my book once published is to offend Tipper Gore, Lynn Cheney and James Dobson simultaneously so that I can be an unparalleled success. What then was in this book that was so terrible that it needed to be taken away from children? That it should be banned, burned and discarded for other books?

I have read them all, some several times. I have found nothing in there that should create the hysteria that these books have. I have found a story that uses magic as a frame to house the story of children growing up and a classic story of good verses evil that is rivaled in adherence to the textbook hero story only by Star Wars. Often as a teacher of reading I am challenged on having the books in my classroom and I answer that challenge – and am willing to remove them from my room if this challenge is met: if you find me another series of 800 page books in British English that children fight over reading then I certainly will replace Harry Potter with your books.

They try and give me The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe because that story is an allegory but considering the lack of depth in plot, character and mythology I can only call it an alle-snorey, it should be also be noted that witchcraft is present in this book as well. They try and give me the Lord of the Rings, which is oft over the student's heads, but is also an allegory despite having the same elements of magic that make Mr. Potter so offending. The Narnia Series and the Lord of the Rings are in my classroom as well, but Harry Potter is the big man on campus wherever he arrives.

The magic of Harry Potter isn’t the magic but it is how young people, and people who think they are young people, relate to the story of growing up. Readers enjoy the human characters they can relate to themselves and their friends, the plots that remind them of their own lives and realize better than we do that the magic is just the engine that drives the train.

What are my predictions about the book coming out twenty-five days from press of this posting? I compiled these with Emily’s help, editing and excellence in Potter Trivia (she got all N.E.W.T.s).

Harry vs. Voldemort
I am conflicted on this issue because while American authors feel compelled to end each story happily European ones do not necessarily feel this urge. However, these are books for children – children growing up during a time of increased awareness of terror in their lives – and I think Rowling will end this book with Harry winning. The prophecies seem to indicate the question’s answer being either/or and in this case I would put my money on Harry. However, we would have already given Rowling our money and I guess we cannot return a book or get a refund for disliking the ending, can we? I don’t think Rowling would do that.

Also, Emily and I have ascertained that the Death Eaters are really terribly incompetent. The best example we can think of is that in the first book – and following books – protections against Voldemort and his followers were frequently bypassed by the children and not by the adults they were intended to keep out.

Other Children Dying
I am going to bet against Hermione or Ron dying in the books for the same reason I do not think Rowling would kill Harry, but like any Star Trek Away Team I would expect anyone unattractive or ethnic to bite the dust. Neville? Cho Chang? Your numbers are up. Cedric Diggory dying was tragic in the story but he was not a huge character until that book. I expect that Neville’s development and usefulness in the last few books will bring him to prominence and then death. Emily notes that Neville being the other possible child from the prophecy also qualifies him for death, even if it were just a precaution. Cho Chang or Ginny Weasley – being close and beloved to Harry – makes them marks as much as their ethnicity and unattractiveness.

Dumbledore (and Snape)
Dumbledore isn’t dead, completely. Rowling said there would be no Gandalf moment where he’d be resurrected – and someone resurrecting from the dead would really set the Christians off. Emily and I believe his animagus is a phoenix and that is why a phoenix rose at his funeral – in some shape or form Dumbledore will still remain with Harry – not unlike Obi Wan remained with Luke in Star Wars.

Dumbledore pled for mercy from Snape when he was killed and while I do not like Snape I also hold out hope that people – real and fictional – are redeemable. Snape could have been in cahoots with the Headmaster, allowing him to remain ‘good’ and uphold his oath to Lady Malfoy to help Draco Malfoy kill the Headmaster.

I think that Dumbledore, like Obi Wan and Jesus, knew the power that Good has over death and that their deaths are not permanent. Obi Wan and Jesus prepared themselves to die at the hands of their prodigies knowing they could better serve their other followers that way. In Chamber of Secrets Dumbledore says that he will not leave Hogwarts as long as there are people still loyal to him there. Emily also reminds us that Dumbledore tells Voldemort that there are things worse than death in Order of the Phoenix.

Snape is duplicitous and this could be another clever turn on his part or genuine treachery. Emily believes Snape is evil and opportunistic and I would like to see him ‘good’ in the end. We have to remember that Lupin defends James Potter and Sirius Black’s bullying by telling Harry that Snape was no “innocent victim.” Many death eaters, most notoriously the Malfoys, recanted or helped the Order of the Phoenix – but were really still servants of the Dark Lord. I will grudgingly side with Emily because she is the Potter Scholar and better judge of character (real and imagined) but keep my fingers crossed behind my back that Rowling pulls out some genius move with Snape.

Hogwarts
Hogwarts will reopen, under the leadership of Minerva McGonagall. The office opens to her – and only respects the real Headmaster or Headmistress of Hogwarts – so there is little question to her leadership of the school. I would also submit that despite it all the school is still the safest place for the children. Emily thinks that once Voldemort is defeated the school will reopen, I would think sooner for literary continuity – but we are unsure if Harry will return.

Will Harry become an Auror?
He would have to return to school and get N.E.W.T.S on all core subjects to be admitted for formal Auror training. However, for ease of storytelling, I think the school will close and Harry will join the Order of the Phoenix and fight the Death Eaters. He may not become a formal Auror but I am certain that he will, at the least, perform the duties of one in his mission. McGonagall and the other members of the Order are well aware of the prophecy and also know what Harry must do; they’ll train and teach him, protect and guide him. Ultimately – as she promised – McGonagall will train Harry to fight the Death Eaters and Voldemort. Hermione and Ron won’t leave his side – and I am sure that will be a subplot to watch.

Who learns magic late in life?
This was a hard one for Emily and I to answer. We considered Dudley and Petunia – but they are obviously Muggles and I am not sure that Dudley is in ‘late life.’ I would hate to see Uncle Vernon receive redeeming qualities. Hagrid knows magic, does magic, but how much magic does he know? Could the ability to do magic and a need for formal training be two issues? Hagrid learned something but his training is incomplete – otherwise he would have been implicated in the Order of the Phoenix. Cornelius Fudge has yet to show redeeming qualities, so it could be him.

I would put money on Hagrid learning a few tricks. When they have wanted to Dumbledore and McGonagall have bent rules for the greater good – and to protect and promote Harry – and Hagrid would be a good candidate for greater literary glory. This could also be the end of him.

Harry and Ginny
Will Harry marry Ginny Weasley? This question has been obvious since the beginning. They had the beginnings of a romance and that will return after the Dark Lord dies but considering the timeline of events Harry Potter will eventually come to America to defeat Hillary Clinton, when this happens he will meet and fall in love with Emily and they will live happily ever after. Besides, it is weird to date your best friend’s sister.

So tell us, what do you think?

Science in the Kitchen

We have had a bad smell in our classroom of late; there have been a great deal of accusations flying around about whom is responsible for the bad smell. I had decided to find the smell on Friday, if I could. However, Sunday was my cranky day. It snowed during the night so that meant early in the morning I was woken up by the hissing of my sister’s coffee pot and the scraping of snow shovels on the pavement outdoors. I would have been okay with the snow on a school day but snow does me no good on a Sunday.

My sister got her coffee pot from my secretary. The coffee pot makes two to-go cups instead of a carafe, because of that it does do a nice slow, quiet drop. It hisses the coffee out in an awful racket that sounds like parseltounge with a lisp. I would have been okay with the coffee noise waking me up if she had brought it with her or drank whatever she had made. As it stands, she just made a great deal of noise on my ‘sleep in’ morning. There was also grumbling about where the second cup was – which probably caused the mess.

When I went to my classroom; I graded papers and clean up a bit. There are a thousand little messes that the kids make and a million places for things to be misplaced. While I was cleaning up, I found the extra coffee cup. Under normal conditions, I would be ecstatic to find the missing cup. My sister blames me for every anomaly in the apartment and for once, I would like to be at fault. However, this cup got pushed behind books on a bookshelf, half-full of milk (for health and optimism), in September. This answered both the mystery of the smell and the mystery of the missing to-go cup.

I had grown, with the help of that week’s student librarian, cheese that smelled like the inside of an eighth grade boy’s gym shoes (I am approximating). I looked was snow white and had holes in it – I am not calling it Swiss Cheese; I am just saying it was disgusting. It tasted worse than it smelled – it was probably French.

I can quit my second job – I have a new skill, making cheese.

in black and white

Peter, who I am about to starting calling “Radio Free – Vatican” told me that, “Dude, the world isn’t black and white,” and I countered, “It is when you’re color blind.” That is, indeed, the story of my life. Here is the run down on our conversation, and where I am black and white:

Newt Gingrich is thinking of running for President, giving hope to fat, Lutheran kids who had sex with their geometry teacher with an absolute lack of social skills that they too will do something with their lives. However, in defense of this small demographic, please, Newt, do you think that being humiliated in front of the Republic once enough? Do you have to do this, again? You have to ask yourself, “How many times did he touch that hot stove before his mother viciously beat him out of the kitchen and back into his room where he wrote tawdry geometry proofs?”

Newt did something some thing most politicians only talk about: some thing. He did something while he was Speaker of the House and not many can claim that. After forty years, the Democrats had little to show for it and all of Bill Clinton’s accomplishments are rooted in the Contract With America. Newt may be social inept, but his revolution was why I could not vote for John Kerry in 2004 – what did John Kerry do as a legislator? Nothing, he never led and henceforth anyone leaving the Federal Legislature should have something to show for it if they want me to promote him or her to Commander In Chief. Bill Clinton’s legacy as President is putting the Republicans in control of the Congress, the Courts, and practically electing George W. Bush, twice.