I am not a nice person. I am a lackluster friend, a terrible son, and worse brother or cousin. Today, however, I did my annual good deed for my sister – the renowned Chaos Bean – I prevented a terrible, horrific disaster and possibly saved my sister’s life and the lives of many other people.
I will soon be going for job interviews and this means that I need to do a great deal before hand – study the organizations that will be interviewing me, having my clothing dry-cleaned, and I need my hair cut so that its manageable for the interview. I usually get the worst haircuts ever: I have a head the size of a small moon with three cowlicks and its as bumpy as the surface of the moon. I only speak English and Seventh Grader; Chaos Bean is important to this process because she is fluent in over six million forms of communication – including hairstylist.
However, this wasn’t my only reason for bringing Chaos Bean with me or allowing her to pick the stylist we went to. Chaos Bean is the good friend, daughter, and cousin and thus allowed our mother to cut her hair. I think something else in the Department of Making Mom Happy happened between Chaos Bean’s last haircut and Mom being near her with scissors and that may be an important part to the story that you’ll have to get from Chaos Bean. The important thing is that something horrible had happened to Chaos Bean with the passage of time and her stylist was needed to help her; I brought her in.
Chaos Bean’s hair was in danger of growing into a mullet. Indeed she was already starting to resemble Senator Clinton and her faux mullet. I have a faux hawk; a faux mullet while faux is still a mullet. It is not okay. I had to help her. She needed an intervention and I didn’t have time for Stacy and Clinton or any one else from TLC. I had to do it myself.
At first when I confronted Chaos Bean with the fact that she had a mullet growing on the back of her head she thought I was teasing her. She thought I was being a pig. There are definitely things that I tease Chaos Bean about, I would list them for you but if you were to mock Chaos Bean then I would throw you under a bus. The stylists, being licensed in the Commonwealth Kentucky, are bound by law not to mock a mullet whilst on duty and it took me a while to get someone to agree with me that she had a mullet and it needed to be fixed. It’s against the law for someone in a professional stylist position to imply or profess that there is anything wrong with a mullet.
Chaos Bean was distraught to learn that her haircut had turned into a mullet. I’m glad she agreed to have the mullet removed (its called a mulletectomy) because had she waited and the mullet had taken the procedure for removing it would be very similar to what they do to rabid animals. Also, had the mullet taken to Chaos Bean and attached itself to her head then she would have had her awesomeness revoked and they would have confiscated her Long Island accent.
Chaos Bean’s preemptive removal of the mullet was fortuitous because a mulletectomy is expensive and painful; they also rarely work and are only short-term solutions. Everyone agreed that the new hairstyle was superior to the Mullet and was very cute. Also, there will be no mullets in this family. I would have drown her.
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