Caustically Optimistic

Rambling on the iPad

I'm typing to you from my iPad. At first I thought I was ambivalent about the thing because I didn't need it. Who needs anything? You don't need computers and I certainly didn't need this wee computer but there is no point in working if you don't get a cool toy once in a while, right?

This now allows me to do what my moleskin notebook hasn't allowed me to do: instantly tell you the stupid things that have wandered into my brain. For instance, Governor Bashear said the budget negotiations could prove "cataclysmic," as if the budget situation could provoke the Lord in Heaven to open up the earth and swallow Paducah or hurl a meteor at Berea.

I'm also imposing the Beastie Boys on my coworkers. I'm a little annoyed at the foul language myself but I have to support my people. I sometimes feel like Bob Cratchet at work because I sit at a tiny desk and while one of my immediate supervisors babbles inane and cruel remarks or offers a commentary on our work habits. The best times of course are the ones like right now where he makes a big show of scolding us for being lazy when his boss wanders in catching him watching videos on YouTube.

I have a new appreciation for the show, "The Office," that I lacked entirely before. There is always a heaping portion of the truth in any comedy and while I'm unfortunately Angela in accounting or Andy Benard in his less malicious moments my immediate supervisor is not unlike Dwight when left in charge. He lacks Dwight's charm though but that's fine as we have neither a Jim nor a Pam. We have Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. In these tough times its rough to be out of work.

What I'd like to eventually do is figure out how to mark a montage of the moments from "The Office," that remind me of my own place of work. It's truly appalling what goes on there and if you were exposed to the videos we take of each other and post on Facebook you'd be mortified. I should probably juxtapose the videos we've made with the ones from The Office. People in the car business aren't the villains you think they are - they're not intellectually capable of the trickery with which we are associated.

I complete this on a very tiny plane on my way to visit another professionally displaced English teacher. Those of you who love the language - or are vaguely familiar with it - would also be horrified by the people I work with and how they speak. I look forward to being around other literate adults and by God if I am going go work with children why do they have to be my boss and why can't they be actual twelve-year-olds instead of emotionally handicapped nincompoops?

Being on an airplane is also a great deal like being a child in school again - although United let me have a full soda which i absolutely regret as the person I am sitting next to is asleep or possibly dead. He also looks like Pedro and I'm terribly tempted to say, "I didn't vote for you." I refrain because he's asleep, not drooling on my shoulder, and I'd retort, "at least I don't resemble the bloated corpse of Jack McFarland."

I could also comb through the catalog they put in the seat behind you full of things that seem like a good idea thousands of feet in the air but that we'd pass on when we found it at Target. Right now I'd take the R2D2 that follows you around the house and the oak or mahogany pet kennel that looks like furniture. I'd totally go for the meerkats statue for the garden and the King Tut sarcophagus for inside the house - it doubles as a cabinet!

I can pass on the wasp traps, our neighborhood needs a little more catch and release on those. I'm also a little afraid of all the products to abuse your pets. My dog, Molly, and my koala (who prefers to have his name redacted from the internet for his own safety) are pretty much the only animals that I consider. Dogs are pretty easy going - it's the humans who could use a nap.

I thinks so far my favorite part of this iPad and this flight has been the questions. "Is that an iPad?" No, ma'am it's an brushed aluminum sandwich. "Do you love it?" It's inanimate. How can I not love it! It doesn't talk back or pee on the carpet or even use all the toilet paper.

It's like reading a book and being asked what you're doing. What are the possible answers? Also, doesn't it appear to you that I am pleasantly engaged in something and perhaps you should keep your hand out my cage?

There are a great deal of productive things I can accomplish with this computer but I'm pretty sure I'll stick to causing trouble.

cosmic crayola

A little over 1,500 days ago I traveled to New Haven with several other Bloggers to meet up and celebrate Golf Widow’s 1000^th Day as a Non-Smoker.  My friendship with and fealty to Suburban Island and Jyram are well documented but it was a nice chance to meet the other occupants of the Internet’s b list of celebrities.  I could document the trip for you but the story behind the story is more interesting. 

The short form is this:

A long time ago, a woman who writes under the name of Cosmic Crayola became sick and had to quit smoking.  A woman who reads Cosmic Crayola, the aforementioned Golf Widow, quit smoking out of solidarity.  Shut up, I know it was good for Golf Widow’s health and pocketbook as well.  That’s not how Golf Widow rolls.  While I am not entirely certain if Golf Widow would do something strictly for her health I am confident that above all things that Golf Widow would do anything for a friend.

If that doesn’t inspire you then you don’t have a soul and fuck you. 

Unfortunately it is 2,500 days and more after that our friend Cosmic is succumbing to the rigors of life.  It’s a rare friend that brings people together the way that Cosmic did that weekend in New Haven.  It’s a rare friend that inspires you to better yourself whether it is through quitting smoking or following another good example.  That day her good example and the desire to emulate it brought people together from all over the country to share fellowship and laughs.  I've met a lot of great people through blogging and photo-sharing sites but it was Cosmic who brought us together, in person. 

If I had to condense the Internet into a solid form I would steal the metaphor of the world-wide-web.  If we lose Cosmic, and I pray that we don’t, we’ll lose one of the strong tendrils that hold us all together and true to her Crayola heritage: made it more colorful.  I want to tell you more but, for now, the grief is still too near.